Yay, it’s the triumphant return of Trashy Tuesday! I can’t guarantee I’ll be writing these weekly anymore (because blergh), but I’ll try to do them once in a while. For those of you unfamiliar with Trashy Tuesdays, please don’t misunderstand and think that this is in ANY WAY a review. It is not a review. Trashy Tuesdays are where I read crappy books so that you don’t have to and then report back. There are spoilers beyond this point. If you intend to read this book and do not wish to be spoiled, you probably shouldn’t read any further. If you read this and want MORE TRASHY TUESDAY, scroll up to the top of the page and hover your mouse over the What is Trashy Tuesday? tab. I have links to everything in FOLDERS AND SUBFOLDERS because I am sometimes the most organized.
MOVING ON!
ZOMG, Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later… I am not even gonna lie. When I saw that this WAS A THING I got ridiculously excited. Like, the only thing that would have made me MORE EXCITED would have been discovering that Ann M Martin had written a follow-up to the BSC in which we learn that Dawn is growing massive quantities of pot in Northern California and Kristy admitted she’d been in love with MaryAnne since kindergarten, but MaryAnne had already had 8 kids (all under the age of 10) with Logan so theirs was a DOOMED LOVE, DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
[ahem]
So, for those of you who didn’t read Sweet Valley High (or any of its eleventy billion spinoffs) when you were growing up, allow me to recap. The series focused on the lives of young Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, identical size-6 twins with flowing blonde locks and aqua eyes. They were trashy as hell and I could probably spend years writing Trashy Tuesdays just about their misadventures. Like the time that Jessica spiked Elizabeth’s drink at a dance, but Elizabeth didn’t KNOW she was drunk so she drove off and GOT INTO A WRECK AND KILLED HER SISTER’S BOYFRIEND! There was a whole manslaughter charge and everything.
They didn’t SAY the dodisharkicorn was involved, but of course he was.
No, seriously, this is the kind of stuff I read a lot of in late elementary school, and I blame SVH for giving me false expectations of what high school would be like.
ANYWAY, Sweet Valley Confidential takes place (as the name suggests) 10 years after the twins graduated from high school. Jessica and Elizabeth haven’t spoken in EIGHT MONTHS because Elizabeth is FURIOUS after finding out that Jessica slept with her boyfriend Todd one time while they were in college.
The book primarily consists of flashbacks to this college indiscretion and the time when Elizabeth found out about it. During the present scenes, Elizabeth is an independent journalist living in a tiny NYC apartment while Todd and Jessica are shacked up and engaged back in Sweet Valley.
It switches back and forth between first and third person like my dad changes channels, and honestly, a lot of it is confusing.
I kept thinking that something was VERY DIFFERENT (aside from all the sexy situations) while reading, and that was when I discovered that this is the VERY FIRST Sweet Valley novel written by its creator, Francine Pascal. She can’t write. Seriously, it was horrible. I was ready to cry reading Jessica’s sections because Franny (I hope she doesn’t mind my calling her that) thought it would be TOTALLY AUTHENTIC to have Jessica THINK “like” in pretty much every sentence.
Without being conceited, I know I’m pretty but not nearly as gorgeous as Elizabeth, who like never has to do anything to look absolutely flawless.
and
It’s like unfair…
and
which is like practically forever
and
there was like so no choice.
ALL IN THE FIRST JESSICA CHAPTER!
So, that wasn’t annoying at all.
The primary conflict here is that Jessica wants Elizabeth to come back to California for her wedding, but Elizabeth thinks her sister is a total ho bag and refuses.
Elizabeth kind of sleeps around to try to forget Todd, but it doesn’t really work.
We get glimpses of current day Sweet Valleyians. They’re all either assholes, dead or have cancer. Some were assholes before they died of cancer. Bruce Patton is now Elizabeth’s best friend (?!) and Winston Eggbert is a RICH asshole who dies by falling off his balcony one night. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Yeah, I don’t know either. Of course, Lila Fowler is the sluttiest slut since sluts came to Slut Town, doesn’t matter that she’s married. Her relationship with her husband is very odd.
Um…Steven (the gorgeous Wakefield brother) is married, but he ALSO sleeps around and his wife bakes to compensate for her depression.
Jessica discovers that NOT ONLY is Steven having an affair, but he’s HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MAN ZOMG, and suddenly he’s freaking out because NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW! OF COURSE Jessica runs and tells his wife. ”Look, it’s totes not you, it’s him HE’S GAY!”
Because Jessica is a selfish twit and thinks she knows what’s best for everyone.
Um…there was more stuff but in an effort to protect itself, my brain has already blocked most of it.
Happy ending for everyone, of course. Elizabeth forgives Jessica and Todd and falls in love with Bruce and blahblahblah.
