THAT IS SO JACKSONED!

This post is for Mrs Heather at Between the Covers.  She’s kind of the only person I expect to be as outraged as I am.

(2) Orc is not an English word. It occurs in one or two places but is usually translated goblin (or hobgoblin for the larger kinds).

So sayeth Mr Tolkien in the Author’s Note of The Hobbit.   If one has actually READ the Author’s Note, one would be aware that this means that those beasts referred to as “goblins” in The Hobbit are the “orcs” mentioned in the rest of the Middle-Earth books.  Right?  Right.

Also, don’t forget we talked about this during the very first Puttin’ the Blog in Balrog post.

SO!

This would lead one to believe that (as Jacksoned as they may be) the goblins in the upcoming (three!  wts, three?!) Hobbit movies would look pretty much like the orcs from the LotR films, yes?

Well, that’s where you would be wrong.

Let’s take a look at a handful of orcs from the films we already have, shall we?

We have Gothmog (foreverafter referred to as Waits Orc, cos he sounds like Tom Waits):

We have Grishnakh:

And various other orcs at play:

Imagine my surprise when today when I see an article about the new toys being released for the (three!) Hobbit movies.

In case you’re too lazy to click, this is what they’ve decided the Great Goblin (y’know, the King Under the Misty Mountains?) looks like:

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?  No.  So I decided to watch the newest trailer, which I’ve already been adamantly opposed to, but it was for SCIENCE YOU!

I found this:

WHAT THE ACTUAL SNAPE, THAT IS NOT A SNAPING ORC, THAT IS SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!!!!

Capattack totally necessary.

No, seriously, I am so beyond angry about this that I’ve been ranting to myself about it all day.  Then I said “Wait, isn’t that what you have a blog for in the first place?  Write that ish up!”

So I am.  And I know that no one else views Peter Jackson’s interpretations of these works with as much disdain as I do, but COME THE SNAPE ON!  You already created this species THE LAST TIME!  I don’t understand why the snape an entire new species had to be created HAVE YOU EVEN READ THE BOOKS?!

Ugh.

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58 thoughts on “THAT IS SO JACKSONED!

    • And then there will be a random cameo by the Goblin King from Labyrinth, doing a little Magic Dance. And while everyone in the theater will be all WTF WAS THAT I will be secretly doing my patented half-restrained-wavy-fists-of-glee.

      …What?

        • I do it every time I see Martin Freeman in the Hobbit trailers. He and Cumberbatch are the main reason I’m actually looking forward to the movie(s…srsly, though, WHY 3 movies…be$ide$ the obviou$ rea$on, of cour$e…??)

  1. Oh. My. God. This is just terrible (the Jacksoned Orcs themselves, not the post about the Jacksoned Orcs.) What the hell?

    AND WHY ARE HIS MAN TITTIES POINTING AT THE FLOOR??? Old age and gravity affect more than the nether regions on Orcs, apparently.

  2. I just can’t get past the crassness of turning Hobbit in to 3 films. I can’t even focus on anything else. Why not 5 films, Jackson? Just leave all the raw footage in there, and some flubbed lines and a gag reel and really draw this sucker out.

  3. I don’t know what else to add after all the comments above. I heartily agree with everyone. I always thought that goblins were actually a weaker variety of orc, smaller but related. Didn’t realize they were supposed to be the same species. Am absolutely certain that they weren’t supposed to be BIGGER! That goblin king looks like a mishapen TROLL! Maybe I’ll give all the movies a pass except the one where Smaug shows up. He better not screw up the dragon!

    • I am very nervous about Smaug.

      Honestly, I wouldn’t even bother seeing them, but my dad keeps talking about how we have to go see them TOGETHER. It doesn’t make any sense, because he HATED watching the Harry Potter movies with me. “Will you JUST SHUT UP?” Seriously.

  4. Disappoint… major disappoint. I know that directors and producers always feel they have license to change things when they take a book to the silver screen – but to entirely reimagine something so classic is a slap in the face for Tolkien fans. And I’m with Byronic: the fact that Jackson’s turning The Hobbit into a trilogy cash cow is revolting.

  5. So, I realize I’m probably going to be handed my head here…. but I’m going to reserve judgment on this till I see the movie. I think the toys they make for this stuff is generally hit and miss and if I paid much attention to it I’d never see a Batman movie in my life.
    I have no idea what explanation is posed for why The Great Goblin looks so different from other orcs in the movies (who all looked very different from each other) — but who knows? Maybe there is one.
    I noticed too, that there were giants throwing boulders around in the Misty Mountains in the new trailer, and I don’t think Tolkien ever explained in the books or appendices where giants fit in in Middle-earth, despite making them so fearsome as to drive Thorin and company into the cave where the goblins/orcs capture them. Jackson’s not the only one with inconsistencies in his Middle-earth…

    • Well, you can clearly see the Great Goblin in the screenshot I included at the end, as well as numerous other times throughout the trailer. This was the only decent shot I was able to get, though.

    • DJR, just so you don’t feel intimidated here, I’m with you. I’d rather wait and see the movies (at least the first one) before deciding I hate them already. (Sorry, SJ et al. ;) Hope you don’t slice off my head, either.)

      I actually didn’t hate the LotR movies. I tend to think of movie adaptations as completely different artifacts from the books they’re based on, though, so that might have something to do with it. If I’m not mistaken, movie adaptations need to be at least 30% different from their books by law, though I admit I no longer remember the reason why it’s that number or how they quantify it.

      Also, since I’m hoping my novel trilogy gets made into an HBO series one day, I’m sort of preparing myself now to let it go emotionally before a director and/or screenwriter gets ahold of it. ;)

      • I’ve never heard of that law before and can’t find any information on it. Can you point me in the right direction so I can read up on it, please?

        I don’t get mad at people who like these movies, but I do get mad when someone tries to tell me that they’re faithful. We already know that PJ is adding a dwarf/elf romance to The Hobbit, which is nothing more than fanfic and invalidates the whole dynamic between Gimli and Galadriel.

        As I’ve said many, many times – they’re pretty and well cast, but they aren’t Tolkien to me. I am insulted by the assertion that they are.

        (not mad at you, but tired of having to explain my opinion over and over.)

  6. I am sort of confused… stop laughing… I thought orcs are like made in vats by magic evil people, and contain DNA of long ago captured elves. Didn’t one of the books say that? But goblins are more like a race, not created by the evil ones, but tending to take their side in times of trouble… Help me, Mrs. Wizard…

    • No, “goblin” is how hobbits say “orc,” which is why the hobbits refer to the orcs as goblins more than once in LotR.

      Also, in The Hobbit, when Bilbo is running around lost under the Misty Mountains, he thinks to himself:

      “A bit low for goblins, at least for the big ones,”

      To which the narrator interjects:

      even the big ones, the orcs of the mountains, go along at a great speed stooping low with their hands almost on the ground.

      Also, originally, Tolkien called them goblins throughout and hobgoblin was used in reference to the Uruk-hai, but changed it when he realized that hobgoblins were supposed to be smaller than goblins.

      • So they split from Mordor? Did they get a severence package? Are they supposed to come back when a war starts? And what about trolls? Are they the big ones that open the gate and push the catapults? And if they are the same as the ones in the Hobbit, howcome they don’t turn to stone when the sun comes out? I should know this stuff.

        • There’s a pretty great article on them over at Tolkien Gateway (which, I’m happy to notice, refers to them as the ORCS of the Misty Mountains).

          If you don’t want to click, the short version is that we don’t know how/when they came to the Misty Mountains, but before that, these orcs were present (if under the command of the Mordor orcs) at the Battle of Gladden Fields and were among those that killed Isildur. They then took up house in Moria after the fall, but moved to the Misty Mountains.

          During the time of the War for the Ring, they were back under the control of Sauron and Saruman and were present when Merry and Pip were captured at Parth Galen.

  7. I honestly don’t know which version icks me out more. The orcs are so disgusting. Their teeth! I like to lightly mock the movie while my husband watches by saying “But how can you TELL they’re evil?” It’s just so funny how anything remotely evil is so physically repulsive. And then there’s Good Ol’ Frodo, who is so very lovely, my daughter refers to him as “the beautiful princess.”

    That goblin is so horrible. He looks like he’s made of Gak or cornstarch and water goo.

  8. I’m outraged too; but at the whole LOTR saga! And at the bitter end, it doesn’t even matter if it’s the bastard offspring of Gimli, a giant, and an orc. In all fairness; form afar; it does look reminiscent of the “chain boss” from Moria. And that’s because it’s HIS interpretation, and no one else’s; at all. For all effects and purposes, he’s the despotic gawd of Middle-Earth! And you better like’em, otherwise you’re a hater or a troll (ol obv), or both! At the very least, you’d be perceived as not cool :(

  9. Peter Jackson does suck. He has completely butchered the works of Tolkien producing HIS movies.

    What amazes me is that there are so many apologists who forgive him. When David Lynch made Dune there were a ton of Frank Herbert fans who were completely pissed off… Over all Lynch stayed fairly close to Herberts original work.

    Jackson on the other hand completely distorts the original work. Open up the LOTR book and read the part where the Nazgul chase Frodo near Bucklebury Ferry. Then watch the movie…

    If you’re not completely angry after that, there is no hope for you.

    • I wouldn’t even have as much of a problem with the new stuff he added, if he hadn’t removed integral pieces of the story to do it. He not only changed everything, but he changed primary character motivations and turned them all into shadows of themselves. Not cool.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  10. Pingback: “I don’t remember that…?” (Part II) | snobbery

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