Oh, I know. You probably all THINK you know what I’m going to talk about for this category, but you are SO WRONG. Because, well – as mad as LotR makes me when I watch stupid PJ’s FANFILMS, I don’t think I’ve ever embarrassed OTHER PEOPLE after watching them like I did with the one I’m about to talk about today.
Book Turned Movie That Was Completely Desecrated
I know. You’re all in a state of shock right now. Because I COULD HAVE talked even more about LotR (but really, aren’t you all tired of that by now?) or I COULD HAVE talked about any of a number of PKD films (including Blade Runner, yes) that REALLY piss me off.
So why’m I talking about Anne Rice, who I only really read when I was a teenager and have kind of given up on in recent years?
Well, I was trying to decide what to write about tonight, so I asked my husband.
“OTHER THAN LotR and Harry Potter, which have I complained more about…?”
And then I listed off a bunch of movies.
And he was about to say Blade Runner, but then I mentioned this, and he said “Oh, shit. I totally remember that. You’re lucky we were still kinda newlyweds at the time, because that was super embarrassing. You know I wouldn’t let you even do that now.”
To which I replied “Whatever. I would just write a letter now and you wouldn’t know anything about it. OR I COULD BLOG ABOUT IT because I HAVE A BLOG NOW, which tens of people read DAILY.”
And then he said he might start reading my blog more often, but I’m totally not holding my breath because he’s all about non-fiction and I’m all about fiction and NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET.
Um, what was I talking about?
What was so embarrassing, I’m sure you’re all wondering.
I already told you guys that I write lots of angry letters and make lots of angry phone calls. As shouty as I am here, I’m even MORE shouty in real life. I know it’s probably difficult to believe, but it’s true.
Anyway. I wasn’t about to see this movie in the theatre, because Interview with a Vampire had been SO VERY DISAPPOINTING (c’mon – whoever decided Antonio Banderas should play a 14 year old Italian boy should be snaping shot) when I was in high school, so I successfully avoided spoilers and waited until it was out on video. When I RESERVED IT and rented it the very day it was available.
Look, I’m not going to apologize for the things I read and watch. I’m totally the judgey one here, that’s why I’m the snob and you’re not.
So. Day of video release and I bebopped all the way down to Hollywood Video (they still had them then) and ignored the smirky glances from the clerks and took the movie home with me.
What? You thought I was going to buy it without seeing it first? Are you crazy?
Anyway, I got it home and ended up watching almost the entire thing with my fingers over my eyes.
Was it because it was scary? HELL NO!
It was because it was (and is) the worst book to film adaptation there ever fucking was.
HOW BAD WAS IT?
Let me tell you. It was so bad that the second it was over, I called Hollywood Video and asked if I could have my money back for the rental.
They said no.
I asked to talk to a manager.
It was, like, midnight, so they said I’d have to call in the morning.
So I went down there the next day.
And I got very loud.
And husband was the MOST embarrassed.
Because this movie was so bad, I couldn’t bear the thought of having spent two dollars to rent it.
So – now I’m not allowed to talk to people that work at video stores, and I have to watch things by myself first.
Because I’m EMBARRASSING when I get worked up.
Also, this is why my dad is so glad there are no more Harry Potter movies.