I realized this morning the real reason I have continually put off participating in NaNoWriMo, and it’s not just because I have this massive fear of failure.
Tomorrow is my youngest son’s birthday. He’ll be 6. In all the rush to get Hallowe’en costumes ready, and stressing over what the hell I’m going to write about starting today, his birthday was kind of put on the backburner. It wasn’t until he got up today and ran over to the calendar tacked onto the fridge and shouted “TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!” that I realized how little I’m prepared for it. There are still gifts to buy and…I don’t know – something to plan. Maybe a cake to bake. He never really eats cake, though, even when I make it exactly like he wants.
…and then, next week is husband’s birthday. And while we as adults never really celebrate our birthdays, I still want to do something. Luckily, his birthday always falls near the release of a new Call of Duty game (seriously, the last several years, that’s been his gift – talk about ease of shopping), but I’d like to do SOMETHING for him.
Oh, and the week after that is middlest son’s birthday. So. Of our family of 6, half of them have birthdays in November.
Plus, there’s Thanksgiving, and that takes 2 days of preparation (I do all the baking, shut up – it takes forever), plus the actual stupid holiday, plus all of the clean up.
Add onto all of the birthday stuff trying to write 50,000 words in 30 days, when almost a week of possible writing days are already taken by other previous things, and…well, that’s why I’ve never attempted it before.
I’ve managed to write close to 800 words so far today (not including however many this post ends up being). I hate most of them. I also am no longer so in love with this idea I had that I was ZOMG SO EXCITED about. I actually think it’s kind of stupid and don’t even know that I want to write it anymore, but I feel like I did all of this outlining and reading in preparation that I SHOULD write about it.
Honestly, I know all of this is just me being down on myself. I truly am afraid of failing. I wish I were one of those people who signed up for NaNo under a name no one knows so that if I won, I could be all “SURPRISE, LOOK WHAT I DID!” but if I failed, I wouldn’t have to admit to anyone that I’d even tried.
I’mma just go curl up in a ball on the couch and try not to hyperventilate for a bit. The kids are all running around screaming right now, anyway, and I can’t even muster up enough the enthusiasm to yell.