The other day was all full of warm fuzzies for music that I loved. I can’t really post about music that I hated because I don’t listen to music I hate. I DO, however, force myself to slog my way through books I can’t stand. Let’s take a look at some of those, shall we?
Since I was forced to write a post about music I hate, that original paragraph doesn’t matter anymore. I was going to do nice/naughty/nice, but now you get two naughty posts in a row.
Here are some books I think should DiaF.
~o~
sj’s Worst Books Read in 2012
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Fifty Shades of WTS IS THIS ISH I’M READING?! by Stephenie Meyer EL James
I know you all know about these, so there’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said a billion times everywhere else on the internet, but dude. I thought the first one was bad enough (and really, the sex wasn’t sexy so I feel bad for the people who think this not-all-that-kinky kink is truly hot, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT HERE) with our virgin Ana losing her flower to multi-gazillionaire Dom Christian Grey, but they just got worse as they progressed. Stalker sexually-harassing ex-boss? I CAN TOP THAT WITH A HELICOPTER CRASH! No, I am not joking. And then it turns out that the harassing ex-boss was actually supposed to be adopted by the Greys, but was passed over in favour of Christian? ZOMG, SO MUCH DRAMZ. Ridiculous. I hated these. And the worst part for me is that if something fanfic was going to be pulled to publish (don’t get me wrong, I have major problems with that, this is a total just sayin’ moment here), I can find you 20 pieces of fanfic right now that are better than this crap. AT LEAST 20. Full of typos, full of wonky sentence structure, the worst dialogue you’ve ever read. Just don’t even bother, please?
If you’re looking for kinky erotica, try Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty books. They’re miles beyond this.
~o~
Grave “Not really about assassin nuns at ALL” Mercy by Robin LaFevers
Some of you weren’t around when I wrote about this book for Trashy Tuesday, so maybe you should all go read that post before continuing? Oh, and then read this, which was a FOLLOW UP post. Okay, done reading those? Good.
I know this book is going to end up on ALL the BEST OF 2012, ZOMG lists, but it was SO BAD. So, so, so bad. Seriously. I don’t understand how someone can take an exciting premise like ASSASSIN NUUUUUUUUUUUUNS and make it stupid and boring. Boring! ASSASSIN NUUUUUUUUUUNS! They should never be boring! I made this audioboo for Meg while I was reading it (it was my first boo, so ignore how quiet I’m talking and how loud the fan on my laptop is) of a section of the book. You can hear both my random pirate voice and the sound of me dying laughing at the end.
~o~
“I stole from every series anyone ever loved” by Cassie Clare
I read all of these this year, but only wrote about the first four for Trashy Tuesday. By the time the fifth came out, I was pretty much deep in “Oh, who the fuck CARES?!” mode about them. If you visit that first post, you’ll see that I said the author put Harry Potter, Buffy, X-Men, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars in a blender and poured this mess out. I stand by that statement. It also pisses me off to see people say “oh, she used to write fanfic, but she never PUBLISHED any of it!” Um…really? Cos I have a PDF of the Draco Trilogy (from when she still spelled her last name ‘Claire’) on my hard drive right now that begs to differ. Whole passages lifted, just changing the names (cos she can’t have everyone knowing that Jace is really just leatherpants!Draco, can she – IT’S NOT OBVIOUS AT ALL), so…don’t try to tell me that she didn’t publish her fanfic. She did.
I still need to write up the most recent, but I have ALREADY FORGOTTEN most of what happened and I don’t really feel like subjecting myself to that again. Except I remember something about Jace being bound by evil and a TARDIS-like apartment that took them all over the world and was bigger on the inside. Stupid. Don’t read these. Please. Don’t let my hours spent reading them so you don’t have to be in vain.
~o~
Socialpunk by someone who doesn’t care enough to put their name on the cover
Monica Leonelle (the author, even if her name isn’t on the cover, you can trust me on this) came onto my radar because I (and 999 other people including Meg) won one of her books in a First Reads giveaway. Not one of us ever received the book. Why? BECAUSE IT STILL HASN’T BEEN WRITTEN.
Let that sink in for a second.
Yes, 1000 people won a copy of a book that hasn’t been written at all. Fun, right? Yeah, but not really.
Anyway, this book was free on onlyindie.com (which apparently doesn’t exist anymore) and I like free things. Except when I don’t. And I didn’t.
It only took me a few hours to read, but it was so bad, those hours felt like I was being dragged naked across rusty nails embedded in shattered glass that was set on fire.
Maybe I exaggerate, but seriously.
Take The Matrix (which I already hate), cross it with every other dystopian teen story in existence, mix in a stupid cliffhanger where it turns out the boy she’s been sleeping with is gay, and you have this book.
I’m at a loss as to how it has any decent ratings at all, but maybe people like boring and predictable? [shrug]
~o~
I Have Daddy Issues, So Will Write a Book About Myself by Charles Yu
As I already said in my mini-review of this book, I had expected something like Thursday Next meets Doctor Who. You know, a time travel machine repairman that lives in a fictional universe where you can go hang out in Star Wars any time you want? Where you can go back and forth in time at the press of a button? It should have been cool, but IT WAS A LIE.
I told you all during my non-reviews of Justin Cronin’s Passage series that I’m not a fan of literary/genre fiction. This could have been a lot of fun, but it wasn’t. It was SO DEPRESSING. I had to force myself to keep reading, and put it down several times. It was just…ugh.
So, then! I get emails from Pantheon about THE NEW CHARLES YU! and I think “OH, HELL NO! You are NOT fooling me again!” It’s again described as a mashup of literary and genre fiction. I think I’m putting him on my “Done with this author forever” shelf, just as a reminder. In case I ever think “OOOOOOH, that sounds AWESOME!” again, I’ll know that it just won’t be.
~o~
Okay. There you have my most hated books of 2012. Anything you read this year that you’re feeling particularly ragey about?
