I got back about an hour ago from seeing The Hobbit with my dad. Since my dad is Odin, we didn’t see it in 3D or the 48fps, so I can’t comment on those.
Contrary to what everyone probably thinks, I didn’t absolutely hate it. I didn’t HATE it, but that doesn’t mean I liked it. I spent a lot of the movie like this to keep from yelling things that probably would have gotten me kicked out of the theatre:
Hey, how about we start at the beginning? That seems logical, right?
First, let me say that I went in already pissed off that Elijah Wood was going to be in the movie. I’m not a fan of Mr Tiny Hands, but I DIDN’T HATE THE INTRO! No, it actually made sense to me, and I can appreciate that The Hobbit is now connected to the LotR films. It makes sense.
Did anyone else giggle at the mention of Lobelia and the spoons? I did. But it might have been the last time I laughed at something I thought was funny and not just stupid or WTF-y.
Oh, hey, look – IT’S BACKSTORY TIME!
- Yes, the whole “good morning” conversation happened word for word BUT WHY WAS BILBO SUCH A RUDE LITTLE HOBBIT?! He didn’t invite Gandalf for tea, and he just…he wasn’t really Bilbo, I don’t think.
- Once the dwarves start showing up, Bilbo grows EVEN RUDER. Dude, the Bilbo at the beginning of the book was the perfect host. He may not have been happy about it, but he was POLITE! He didn’t go SNATCHING THINGS out of the hands of his uninvited guests. Ugh.
- I appreciated that That’s What Bilbo Baggins Hates was included in the songs. That actually kind of made me glad I went to see it, because I was mouthing the words and stomping my feet along. Luckily there weren’t many people in the theatre, and there was no one else in our row, so I didn’t really worry about it bugging people.
- I still don’t like that the dwarves’ song sounds like a Klingon space shanty, but whatevs. It’s not like I was consulted (even if this summer I was #1 in Hobbit +K).
I’m happy that PJ decided to try to give people that haven’t studied the Appendices and Tolkien’s other works a bit of backstory on Thorin. It would have made me happier if he’d gotten the story right. This was one of the worst parts for me, that from the VERY BEGINNING, I was doubting myself. ”Did it really happen like that? It didn’t, did it? I could have sworn that Thrór didn’t get all greedyguts until after Smaug rousted them and the Ring they had kind of started to warp his mind?” So OF COURSE I looked it up as soon as I got home.
Listen, this is probably a small thing to the people that would even notice the difference and I can understand that it’s a relatively minor thing for me to get all nitpicky on. Hush, DON’T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL YET?!
Anyway, listen. What it shows in the movie with Thrór being all Scrooge McDuck-y and twirling around in his SWIMMING POOL FILLED WITH GOLD is not accurate. And AGAIN, I realize this is something that most people won’t even notice, but it did NOT set everything off in a way that gave me much hope.*
I hated that Bilbo just UP AND RAN OFF with his contract in hand, that there was NO NOTE AND NO GANDALF rushing him out the door. Would it have been THAT DIFFICULT to do? No, it wouldn’t.
AND THEN! I was REALLY looking forward to the trolls. Like, really really. I don’t understand why the ponies had to be stolen, I don’t understand why “a burgler-hobbit” was better than “a burrahobbit” and I don’t understand why Gandalf had to BREAK A ROCK to bring in the sun. Seriously? I just…blergh.
I’m about to go off on a bit of a rant about Azog. Those of you who’ve only read the books proper and not the appendices probably have no idea how wrong this is, or maybe just thought that he was talked about in something you hadn’t read.
That’s partially correct, and where the title of this post came from. When all of the backstory of Azog, Thrór and Thorin was going on, my dad leaned over and said “I don’t remember that…?” Yeah, dad. You don’t remember it because that’s not how it happened.
Yes, Azog had decided he was King of Moria and YES, he killed Thrór. But it wasn’t in a mighty battle. Thrór had left his kinsmen (giving custody of the dwarvish Ring to his son Thráin) with only ONE COMPANION (Nár), and together they traveled to Moria. Thrór got all excited cos the gate to Moria was open, and against Nár’s advice, went running up.
Nár hid for a bunch of days, and then Thrór’s body was THROWN OUT minus his head (which was thrown separately).
‘If any of your people poke their foul beards in here again, they will fare the same. Go and tell them so! But if his family wish to know who is now king here, the name is written on his face. I wrote it! I killed him! I am the master!’
Then Nár turned the head and saw branded on the brow in dwarf-runes so that he could read it the name AZOG. That name was branded in his heart and in the hearts of all the Dwarves afterwards. Nár stooped to take the head, but the voice of Azog said:
‘Drop it! Be off! Here’s your fee, beggar-beard.’ A small bag struck him. It held a few coins of little worth.
AFTER THAT, once Thráin found out what had happened to his daddy, came the battle depicted in the film, BUT Azog was DECISIVELY KILLED by Thorin’s second cousin. Dáin Ironfoot beheaded him with an axe and then STUFFED that pouch of coins in Azog’s mouth.
So. This whole nonsense with Azog HUNTING DOWN the line of Durin was ridiculous, unnecessary, and I assume only done to provide filler and excitement? I don’t know. The CGI was AWFUL, like, the Waits Orc in LotR looked so much realer, this just looked like the troll in the first Harry Potter movie.
The whole “Thorin cut Azog’s arm off and now the orc has a HARPOON just shoved up on in there with the end STICKING OUT THROUGH HIS UPPER ARM” was stupid. I don’t like any of these bits, which makes me sad because they took up MOST OF THE MOVIE.
Now that I’ve built up a healthy head of ranting steam, I’m going to pause here and finish tomorrow. Please, I’ve seen so many reviews and comments that say that anyone who doesn’t like these movies is just an asshole, or not a “real fan” so I’m going to ask anyone reading this that’s tempted to comment like that to NOT LEAVE THAT COMMENT. If a comment like that is left, it’ll either be deleted or changed some way so that I can make fun of you. I’m not calling anyone an asshole for liking this movie, please respect me the same way. Thank you.
* I have other problems with this, but I’ll go into it tomorrow.
