To recap my post from last night, I didn’t hate this first The Hobbit movie, but as a huge Tolkien fan, I do have some major problems with it. The accuracy of the stuff PJ and co. pulled from the appendices is lacking (I don’t know why I expected better, given what he pulled with LotR but I was HOPING) and there’s other stuff that was just straight up FABRICATED for no apparent reason (even though I kind of think I know what those reasons are and THEY DON’T MAKE ME VERY HAPPY).
So, in last night’s post, I had a footnote about how there were other things in the opening Erebor sequence that bothered me.
I can sum up the majority of the rest of my problems with that scene with one word.
What? That doesn’t make sense? Fine, let me explain.
Why the hell was he even there? Why were there eleventy billion Mirkwood elves just KICKIN’ IT watching Smaug take over Erebor? This doesn’t even MAKE ANY SENSE! Not only does it not make any sense in this context, but it turns a since the DAWN OF TIME antipathy into a personal grudge match between Thorin and Thranduil. I don’t even…
This unnecessary meeting paves the way for Thorin’s mistrust of the elves, which goes SO FAR as to have him wanting to take the long way ’round just to avoid visiting Rivendell.
Of course, in the movie, they kind of HAVE TO go there because they’ve met Radagast, who has some MOST DIRE NEWS to tell them about how the Necromancer has taken over Dol Guldur and Greenwood is RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND turning into what will be known as Mirkwood.
It was kind of nice that PJ tried to appease us a tiny bit by having Radagast tell us that the giant spiders he followed were probably some offspring/descendants of Ungoliant, BUT TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Because I have quite a few problems here.
- Thráin was being held captive by the Necromancer (Sauron) in Dol Guldur and was being tortured out of his wits when GANDALF found him there, which is WHERE THE KEY AND THE EFFING MAP CAME FROM. There was no explanation given in the film as to where Gandalf found Thorin’s father, just that he had been given the key to pass on. This is all just so wrong, it makes my head hurt.
- I kind of glossed over the other reviews of the movie before I went because I wanted to go in as open-mindedly as possible. This means I really only knew that Radagast rode a bunny-powered sleigh and was a bit eccentric, which I was totally cool with. I was NOT aware that he was completely loonypants, ate too many mushrooms, is now a buffoon with birdshit dried on the side of his face. Contrary to what many other people seem to be thinking, I actually kind of liked the bunnies. They made me smile and seemed terribly appropriate.
- The White Council. I don’t really have a problem with this stuff being included here. What I DO have a problem with is the fact that I could HEAR PEOPLE MURMURING and even MY DAD leaned over to ask me if Saruman was really already working for Sauron at this point in time. No. No, he wasn’t. He didn’t WANT them to raze Dol Guldur, but it’s because Saruman wanted that Ring for himself, and he hoped that if they left things alone, Sauron’s Will would draw the Ring out of hiding. This was weird and confusing for a few reasons. Gandalf and Galadriel had their little telepathic exchange, and it seemed even then that they were aware that Saruman was on the road to corruption. Look, PJ, if you want to play it that way, that’s fine, but you’ve already contradicted your own films because Gandalf the Grey rode to Isengard to ASK FOR SARUMAN’S HELP!
- PIPE WEED IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT POT!
- The Dwarves+Bilbo leaving Rivendell on their own (without so much as a faretheewell to Gandalf) is the SAME THING as Sam ACTUALLY LEAVING FRODO on the steps of Cirith Ungol. It didn’t fucking happen and there’s NO REASON FOR IT TO HAVE HAPPENED.
Since this is already getting really long, I’m going to skip ahead a bit. I don’t need to talk about the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Stone Giants, just know that I didn’t like it. Plus, I already saw that same scene in King Kong, but it was dinosaurs. [shrug]
Let’s talk about the Misty Mountains.
I already ranted a little about my feelings on the Great Goblin (see this post), but I had no idea how very much I would dislike him before last night. I wasn’t a fan of the way the Misty Mountain caves and tunnels looked very much like the mines of Erebor, nor was I a fan of
Jabba’s the Great Goblin’s little giggling version of Salacious Crumb.
The worst parts for me, though, involved Gollum. I was actually looking forward to the Riddles in the Dark, because it was something I could see translating REALLY WELL to film.
Instead, I was embarrassed when the Ring went flying out of the LITTLE COIN PURSE Gollum had attached to HIS LOIN CLOTH, I was disgusted watching Gollum butchering a Goblin, and I was angry that Gollum realized IMMEDIATELY that the Ring was gone. I was confused as to why he decided to start throwing rocks at Bilbo, when he already knew that Bagginses had the Precious, and I was ENRAGED when Bilbo spared Gollum’s life, only to KICK HIM IN THE FACE ON PURPOSE when he jumped over his head to the exit.
I was kind of happy that the waistcoat buttons popped off, even if it happened far too soon.
From that point on, it’s pretty much a race to the temporary endpoint. Instead of Bilbo sneaking up into the campsite, he meets up with the Dwarves and Gandalf after following them down the mountain, but first he overhears Thorin talking a bunch of smack about him.
Then there’s this whole battle with Azog on the edge of a stupid cliff (which IS set afire thanks to our Grey Wizard) and Gandalf Moth Whisperer is back to send his winged friend to ask the Giant Eagles to come rescue their asses. But not before Thorin is almost killed by Azog, only to be saved by NEW
AND IMPROVED BADASS BILBO BAGGINS.
Then the terrible CGI Eagles swoop in and save everyone from certain death before dropping them all off at the Carrock, no dallying at the Eyrie necessary.
Now, I know you’re likely getting the impression that I hated this movie, based on the last 2000 words of ranting. I didn’t hate it, and I actually liked some parts of it, which is more than I can say for LotR. I just don’t understand the changes that were made for no reason.
I probably won’t be talking about the things I liked because my mind isn’t letting me remember any of them right now. Oops.
But I kind of loved Ori. Like, seriously, I’m sad he dies in Moria cos he was the best part of the movie for me. Although, since he’s changing everything else, maybe PJ will retcon it so that NEVER HAPPENS.