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Ladies, Can We All Just Stop Being Bitches for TWO SECONDS?

by sj

I don’t follow the One Million Vaginas facebook page (mostly because I don’t “like” many pages, I don’t comment on public posts so it’s kind of pointless), but many of my friends do.  Since the posts are public, I can’t help seeing them in my timeline occasionally when a friend likes or comments on something.  I don’t have a problem with seeing them, and will frequently click through to read the reactions to photos or statuses if they catch my attention.

This happened today.

The following photo was posted and a friend of mine commented on it.

It’s a cute picture and a cute shirt, right?  Plus, it sends a message that is in line with the views generally expressed on the page that posted it.  Honestly, before clicking on the photo, I couldn’t see what problem people might have with this.

Then I saw:

that’s because you’re a 12 yr old boy wearing makeup. Eat a porkchop for fuck’s sake.*

And:

nothing wrong with being a wifey… but none the less she could use some tweezers and a good meal

And:

Heffers? Really?! Posted BY a woman on a feminist site. Wow. Now I’ve seen everything. Call me whatever degrading name you want but I’d like that pic if it wasn’t holding up an obvious anorexic as a standard of beauty. Female misogynists are no bueno.

(emphasis mine)

She’s right.  Female misogynists ARE no bueno, but how is what this commenter is doing/saying any better than what the others are saying?

It isn’t.

It’s disgusting.

We’re called out for being too fat.

We’re called out for being too thin.

Let’s ignore for a second that the girl in this picture is obviously backstage at a fashion show of some sort, and we’ll pretend that there aren’t any comments about her makeup or eyebrows (even though those make me just as angry).

Why do we have to constantly cut each other down, no matter what we look like?  Why do we have to be such Mean Girls?  Why are we all such bitches to each other?

Having several friends that HAVE suffered from eating disorders, and having also had friends (and having been for a while) ACCUSED of having eating disorders because they were perceived to be underweight, why is this behaviour acceptable?

Can someone please answer that for me?

*Straight copy and paste, no editing for clarity/spelling/punctuation, etc.

Posted on January 10, 2013 at 2:08 pm in Rant   |  RSS feed |   Respond   |   Trackback URL

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85 Responses to “Ladies, Can We All Just Stop Being Bitches for TWO SECONDS?”

    
  1. Heather
    January 10, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    I just…

    I have so many things to say about those comments, but you said most of them for me. Thank you.

    *standing ovation*

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 2:42 pm

      Re: Your comment on twitter about your daughters.

      This is something that you CAN start working on now, especially since you’re aware of it. When I was young, I was very very thin, but had hips. I was belittled in my own home because of that, told that I would never be “skinny” because my “ass was too wide.” It’s entirely possible to raise girls with healthy self-esteem, but not by speaking to them that way. Knowing is half the battle.

      Reply
  6. Gilly
    January 10, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    She’s cute. The shirt is fab. Rock on! I concur! Let’s stop being bitches!

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 2:37 pm

      I really do love her eyebrows, so I can’t even believe how many people chose to focus on that. Jesus, way to show your ass on facebook, people.

      Reply
  7. Heather
    January 10, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    You know what? I’m not going to let it go at my first comment. I need to say this:

    I am built like the girl in the photo. When I had super short hair once, more than one person mistook me for a boy (I tend not to dress “femininely”).

    Throughout my life I have dealt with people accusing me of being anorexic. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Go eat some food” or “Go eat a sandwich” or “You need to eat more cheeseburgers” or any other variation of the same sentiment. I’ve gotten used to it, and I’ve grown to not care what other people think, but that makes it no less rude. I’m pretty tired of it, honestly.

    I don’t understand the need for people (and not just women) to tear other people down and try to make them feel like shit. Because you know what? What if I WERE anorexic? Do these people think that making fun of someone the solution to the problem? Do they think that making fun of someone who already doesn’t love his/her body is going to make things better? Do these people really believe that it’s okay to further put down someone who may already be hurting? Wtf.

    I’m ranting, but I needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for letting me use this space to do so. <3

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 2:40 pm

      You were one of the people I was thinking of being built like her when I was writing this. I had a friend in high school (Japanese and Swedish) who was tall, but very thin. She used to fold up wads of paper and put them in her back pockets so it would look like she had an ass.

      I know how hard it was for her to TRY to gain weight, and every time I’ve seen women being bitches like this, I’ve thought of her.

      And you’re right – let’s shame the women with eating disorders, because damaging self-esteem ALWAYS ends up well, right?

      Reply
    • greengeekgirl
      January 10, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      Miss Heather, I probably make two of you, but I will never hate on you for being thin <3 You eat a sandwich if you WANT a sandwich! :D

      Reply
    • Kate
      January 10, 2013 at 3:16 pm

      I used to be built like you, with a metabolism that made meth-addicted hummingbirds jealous; I definitely had the physique of a too-tall twelve-year-old boy. And yet, even then, I was told that I was “too fat” to model (got called for a go-see and then they got my measurements)…while ALSO being investigated for anorexia/bulimia by my school nurse.

      Mixed messages, let me show you them!

      After some medications screwed up my metabolism in college, I wound up considerably overweight, something I’m still working to deal with. Now, when I’m nearing an “ideal” weight, I’m still regularly told I’m fat/obese/grotesque.

      There is literally no winning for a woman in our culture.

      And that means that judgmental vitriol like that directed at the girl in that posted photo is just utterly unhelpful, and perpetuates the vicious cycle of body loathing that every woman is subject to, regardless of her natural size or shape or looks.

      Reply
    • Andreas Heinakroon
      January 11, 2013 at 1:54 am

      I think people tear down other people and try to make them feel like shit because the most likely feel like shit themselves. I don’t really get how that is supposed to help them feel less like shit but apparently it’s doing something for them. Perhaps the hate and despise they throw at other people hide their own pain somehow? I don’t know, and I really don’t care. They need to grow the fuck up already.

      Reply
  8. on thehomefrontandbeyond
    January 10, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    People think they are being clever when they are just being hurtful–it is like the object of their scorn is not a real human being–or someone they are jealous of so they say hurtful things.

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 5:16 pm

      I was thinking about that, wondering how much of what people are saying stems from jealousy?

      Reply
      • on thehomefrontandbeyond
        January 10, 2013 at 7:52 pm

        I really think that jealousy is one of the reasons people are so mean

        Reply
        • IMightBeTheProblem
          January 10, 2013 at 8:25 pm

          I’m not even sure it’s jealousy. Not always, at least. I think, in some cases, it could be totally valid. But there’s an intense amount of othering that we love to do, as a society. You see it almost everywhere. You take someone who is, of course, from your same species. And than you assign them some perceived traits that don’t remove them from the species, but that make them different ENOUGH that they’re no longer the same as you and therefore open to critique.

          Maybe jealousy is the starting point in some situations (jealousy: I am not that thin and would like to be —> othering: but I am so healthy and happy with my cake and slightly larger tee shirt than the tee shirt in this picture. I could look like that if I wanted to be MISERABLE. Clearly she’s miserable. And not healthy. And anorexic. —> Pass flip Internet judgement that does nothing but set back my entire gender: whatever, I’d be fine with this if she weren’t clearly less human than me because she is anorexic and I am complete and well rounded and MORE human.)

          But you see these same things in situations that are fear based and not jealousy based, too. (Fear: a BABY was shot in a theatre? That’s terrifying.—> Othering: I would NEVER bring a baby to the movie theatre. What kind of monster brings a baby to a movie theatre?—> Pass flip Internet judgement designed to make me feel safer but also reveals me to be a different kind of monster: That’s terrible and all but, seriously? Who brings a BABY to a movie theatre?)
          And voila. You have created a safe place where you never have to worry about your baby being shot. You are MORE human. Those sort of things don’t happen to MORE humans.

          In almost any situation where you see judgment, you can rather safely assume that the person doling it out is engaged in one sort of mental self preservation or another. I don’t know if we’re built this way or if we did it to ourselves. I do wish more of us were capable of thinking before we open our mouths and unleash it on others, though.

          Reply
          • on thehomefrontandbeyond
            January 10, 2013 at 8:35 pm

            good analysis — jealousy may be the starting point, but making someone or something an object makes them open to criticism –am I reading you right?

            Reply
            • IMightBeTheProblem
              January 10, 2013 at 9:04 pm

              Right. If I can make you different enough, I can make myself better. And then I accomplish two very specific things. The most obvious is feeling better about myself. But then I can offer criticism about you, unsolicited, framed in mock concern.

              You see this all the time with race and gender issues: Person says something offensive about another race or gender. Person of targeted race/gender declares that they are offended. First person deflects blame onto offended person, accusing them of not being able to take a joke. Offended person points out all the different ways it isn’t funny. Offensive person is too steeped in privilege to understand the underlying issue, shares anecdotal story of time he was oppressed but OVERCAME. Indicates that he’s so laid back that he doesn’t even notice race/gender, and advises offended person to take the same approach and become just as enlightened. Offended person says something like “sorry to hear that the varsity football team made fun of you for being on the varsity soccer team. But that’s not really the same thing as you making light of the oppression of an entire race/gender.” Offensive person unfriends offended person, posts ranty status update about how everyone is SO SENSITIVE and he’d rather be “real” than worry about being so fucking PC all the time. Calls you out (not by name, and not until you are unfriended) as someone who really needs to lighten up or you will SERIOUSLY have a heart attack by age 35. Bros rally around for Internet high fives, or whatever. Offensive person closes laptop, secure in his inability to be hurt because he’s just so damn chill. Tells story at parties for next seven years anytime your name comes up.

              Reply
              • IMightBeTheProblem
                January 10, 2013 at 9:13 pm

                The object you become here, clearly, is EASILY OFFENDED. And it’s ok to criticize that. Just like the labels anorexic, slut, prude, bitch, cunt, etc do. You assign a new description. Something other than human, because you are human and you don’t make fun of other humans. But you are VERY SERIOUS in your concern for correcting the behaviors of those who are EASILY OFFENDED, of the sluts anorexics, of the sluts, of the prudes, of the bitches, of the cunts, etc. You have life all figured out. They’re all just waiting for you to redirect them toward humanity instead of the new label you’ve arbitrarily assigned them so they’re more object and less person. If they’re not listening, it’s because they don’t want to change. Not because you’re wrong. Never because you’re wrong.

                Reply
              • on thehomefrontandbeyond
                January 11, 2013 at 5:11 am

                sounds like you have been there done that and do not want to return and I don’t blame you

                Reply
                • IMightBeTheProblem
                  January 11, 2013 at 9:25 am

                  To be completely fair, I’m doing it RIGHT NOW by dissecting the behaviors of others and implying that, if only they could reflect inwardly and self discover as well as I feel I do, they might approach situations differently. I think everyone does it. We just rarely sit back and try to determine what are motivation is for what we’re saying, beyond that which is immediately apparent at the surface.
                  This is positively unreadable on the mobile site at this point. Sorry for messing up your blog, SJ.

                  Reply
          • Nerija S.
            January 10, 2013 at 9:52 pm

            YES. I remember the “Who brings a baby to a Batman movie?!” backlash, and I’ll admit, with these horrible things happening over and over again, sometimes I find myself looking for reasons not to feel so horrible about them. As in: Shit, the guy shot a BABY?! I hate the world > But maybe it’s partly the parents’ fault for bringing a baby to a Batman movie > Ok, now I can deflect my attention from the guy who is actually to blame for the shooting because I don’t want to think about him, plus I want to think there are foolproof ways for parents to protect their kids > somehow this makes it less sad that a baby was shot…(not)

            It’s the same as blaming a rape victim for “wearing the wrong clothes,” because we want to feel like we could have some control over the situation — i.e. this will never happen to me if I just don’t wear short skirts, right?…and we end up deflecting attention from the actual cause of rape, which is the rapist.

            And I will admit, when I first saw that photo, I was a bit startled by how thin the woman looks. But, again, I don’t know her, and I have no right to start assuming things about her, let alone make trollish comments.

            Reply
            • sj
              January 11, 2013 at 11:17 am

              And I will admit, when I first saw that photo, I was a bit startled by how thin the woman looks. But, again, I don’t know her, and I have no right to start assuming things about her, let alone make trollish comments.

              If you look at her photos, though, you can see that she’s really not as “skinny” as she appears to be in this picture. The perspective is a little skewed. I think she looks healthy, but not too thin.

              Reply
              • Nerija S.
                January 11, 2013 at 11:43 am

                Very true. Either way, as others here have said, a person’s body type isn’t automatically an indication of his or her health, and even if it is, what good does shaming do? It’s unhelpful at best, and backfiring at worst.

                I saw a comment by one girl on facebook a while back, in response to comments she’s gotten about her body, and it sums up the whole situation perfectly — to say that every person is beautiful and worthy of respect is not the same as encouraging unhealthy habits (if, in fact, the person’s appearance is related to what he/she eats, etc). It’s just acting like a proper human being.

                Reply
          • sj
            January 11, 2013 at 11:04 am

            I think the wonkiness on the mobile site can partially be fixed by responding to a different comment so that it’s not all nested and impossible to read.

            But back to what you said, you’re right – this IS something that everyone does, but the only way to fix it is to be aware of what you’re doing when you’re doing it. Not everyone has the want or need for introspection, but that’s really the best way to go about STOPPING this shit in its tracks.

            The saddest part is the people who are told what they’re doing is the opposite of cool, but they still refuse to take that look inward to see if there’s a way to fix the problem.

            …and I might not be making much sense yet, I haven’t had anywhere near enough coffee today.

            My point is that, yes – we’re discussing this right now, and in a way there’s plenty of finger pointing and blame going around. But at least those of us discussing it are aware that there IS a problem and that it’s something that CAN be changed.

            Reply
  9. Samantha
    January 10, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    Totally agree.

    Hey people? Let’s just celebrate everyone. Thanks. :)

    Reply
  10. mfennvt
    January 10, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    I love her eyebrows. They look like mine!

    Reply
  11. Katy
    January 10, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    A doctor once told my sister that she might as well have come from Africa because she’s that malnourished. She was around 13 when the doctor said this. All because she is naturally thin. Women love to bash other women and I have no idea why. Who cares what she wears or whether she’s overweight, underweight, ‘just right’, whatever. We’re all people and we shouldn’t be judged by what we look like, more on what we can do and what we achieve.

    Reply
  12. IMightBeTheProblem
    January 10, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    I almost let this go last night. I had no fight in me. Then I realized that I didn’t need any fight in me, since I was fucking RIGHT. Now I’m doubly glad that I commented because that put it in your newsfeed :)

    I accept that people who don’t spend every day consuming some sort of feminist literature or debate don’t realize what the fuck they’re doing. That’s why you hang back when you’re first learning about something. So you don’t end up as the asshole commenting about there being “two sides to every story” on a Steubenville article or body shaming the shit out of a skinny girl on a post by a group who, at it’s core, is there to celebrate and defend women.

    What I’m saying is welcome, new feminists. But please shut up until you know what you’re talking about.

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 5:08 pm

      You were/are fucking right, and I’m glad you said something so I could see it.

      This is something I see people struggling with all the time, but really it’s so simple:

      If you don’t know what you’re talking about, keep your fucking mouth shut. Then you don’t look like an asshole, and I don’t have to get ranty.

      See? EASY!

      Reply
      • IMightBeTheProblem
        January 10, 2013 at 5:30 pm

        I’m not making excuses for anyone. Because these people pissed me off last night. BUT…
        We were all raised in the patriarchy. So we are raised from day one to focus on our looks. As pretty little girls with pretty pigtails in pretty skirts, we spent our formative years having strangers and loved ones comment on what “pretty little girls” we all are. That we grow up and, inevitably, struggle with keeping our appearance within the confines of what is considered to be the standard of beauty within our culture is not surprising. That we struggle to conform physically while also ensuring that we are appealing (but not TOO appealing. Sluts) that we are “feminine” (what the fuck is feminine? I’m positive that skirts are involved) that we are demure and polite and pliable and smart (but not too smart) and educated (don’t talk about it in public) and well read (Nicholas Sparks! Hunger Games! Twilight! Fifty Shades! You are a lady so you must love this and accept that after being forced into believing that you love this, you will be forced to endure ridicule for your immature and silly interests!) and domestic (look how well I folded the fitted sheets!) and a nurturing, caring mother (put that bottle down! You must hate your baby. Here, I’ll breastfed her for you until the police get here to take you away) and that your hair will look fucking PERFECT while you acomplish all of these things? That’s also not surprising. So the ugly truth that the war on women often comes from within the community of women itself is also not something I can claim to find surprising. But it still fucking pisses me off.

        My point? Next time you meet a little girl, ask her about her favorite book. I’m totally okay with future generations agonizing over having read too few books instead of over having eaten too many cookies.

        Reply
  13. lynnettedobberpuhl
    January 10, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    Sometimes the hate we heap on ourselves spills over onto other people, as if by spreading it around, we won’t feel it so much. Or in the words of Frances Hodgson Burnett in The Secret Garden:

    “How does tha’ like thysel’?” she inquired, really quite as if she were curious to know.

    Mary hesitated a moment and thought it over.

    “Not at all-really,” she answered. “But I never thought of that before.”

    Martha grinned a little as if at some homely recollection.

    “Mother said that to me once,” she said. “She was at her wash-tub an’ I was in a bad temper an’ talkin’ ill of folk, an’ she turns round on me an’ says: ‘Tha’ young vixen, tha’! There tha’ stands sayin’ tha’ doesn’t like this one an’ tha’ doesn’t like that one. How does tha’ like thysel’?’ It made me laugh an’ it brought me to my senses in a minute.”

    You gotta like Martha.

    Reply
  14. nymuse88
    January 10, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    AMEN SISTER! This has become a serious issue and I find most women try to find the fault in other women. Especially online, where they can say anything they want without a backlash. It’s childish, sad, and considered a form of bullying. The thing they should remember though, is if you’re a bitch, so is Karma…*drop the mike*

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 6:51 pm

      Even if the girl in question will never see it, yes – it is still a form of bullying.

      What makes me even sadder is that these are the same women who will jump all over a man who makes a disparaging comment about a woman’s appearance, but they don’t seem to realize that this is THE SAME FUCKING THING.

      Reply
  15. The Saucy Southerner
    January 10, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    I don’t know what to say without making it a very long story about my own demons with non-eating disorders in my life. So, keeping it short, I have gone through two periods in my life where I was very, very thin because I over-exercised and didn’t eat. In 2012, I decided that I needed to lose some weight and tone, and I really did. So, I did. And what have always been supportive friends suddenly started making comments about how I “didn’t need to lose weight” and “I was looking like a stick” and “look, you aren’t 20 anymore.”

    No, I’m not twenty. I am also 5’10″ with very long, skinny legs. I am also 51 and was starting to get that gut thing. And I wanted to FEEL more healthy. So, I have flattened my stomach with exercise and portion control and cutting down on my damned wine (dammit). And I’m wearing more flattering clothing. And I really thought my friends would support that. It saddened me that they didn’t.

    And it saddens me even more to think that people will make cruel and cutting remarks about someone they don’t even know, all the while thinking they are SO supportive of women. Listen, girls, if we can’t be the force that is supportive and uplifting for each other, who the hell is going to do it?

    Meh.

    Reply
    • sj
      January 10, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      Listen, girls, if we can’t be the force that is supportive and uplifting for each other, who the hell is going to do it?

      This. Absolutely this.

      I loved everything you said, P. Even the parts that make me sad, like the “supportive” friends and the part about cutting down on the wine. ;)

      <3

      Reply
  16. Elizabeth
    January 10, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Mean girls think that it is cool to be mean and belittle someone based on their physical appearance. I think those who write or say mean things are not confident/ comfortable with their own physical appearance.

    Reply
  17. pouringmyartout
    January 10, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    I am sorry for the upcoming language, but maybe instead of the vagina monologues we could have the vaginal/penile dialogues. Just an idea. I mean, they do make a pretty good team when they work together. I can’t believe I am blushing while I type this.

    Reply
  18. pouringmyartout
    January 10, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    And I am even more sorry for the following bad joke, but… when you say supportive and uplifting, it sounds a little like an ad for a bra… (Please don’t hate me, I am on your side, but that was just a little funny, wasn’t it? Don’t snapebag me… please…

    Reply
  19. lucysfootball
    January 10, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    I’m late to the party. (Ironically? Because I was getting my eyebrows done. They don’t look awesome like this girl’s do when they’re left unkempt, I can tell you that much.)

    We discussed this a little today, but it bears repeating here, publicly – things like this make me furious. Women have enough to deal with in our society, what with the government trying to take away the rights we’ve worked so hard to gain for ourselves. What the hell are we doing fighting among ourselves over something foolish like appearances? If we banded together and supported one another, we would be unstoppable. If we put out positive energy – if we took the energy expended on trolling people on the internet, for example – and focused it on ACTUAL problems in society? Look out. Women actually outnumber men in the US, as of the 2010 census, by about 6 million. WE OUTNUMBER MEN. Yet with all this infighting, we’re killing ourselves from the inside out. We’ll never get anything done like this.

    Utterly infuriating.

    For the record, we’re all gorgeous. Every single last one of us. Screw anyone who thinks otherwise.

    Reply
  20. Krysty
    January 10, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    I was inclined to say it’s an internet thing, where people cut you down for no reason other than they’re anonymous and they can. But then I figured that this happens on and offline. Women do tend to be more generous with the catty comments towards other women. Is it a rivalry thing? Is it jealousy?

    I recently commented on how some women tend to demonize those who like makeup as either shallow or slaves of patriarchy. It’s like they’re superior because they don’t care about how they look and only vapid people want to look good. Various motives and reasons are assigned to the act of wearing makeup when it’s basically just me liking how I look with pink lipstick.

    It’s one thing to have male misogynists do this to us, but it’s doubly disheartening when women echo the same sentiments and are at the forefront of shaming other women. It’s just too much.

    As to fat- and thin-shaming, come on. The woman is in pretty good shape. I think the pendulum has swung from “love your body, no matter what size you are” to “I will be mean to people who are thin, because I love my big body and she’s obviously a slave to consumerist/patriarchal standards of beauty”. How is that even sane?

    Reply
  21. disruptmyreverie
    January 11, 2013 at 2:08 am

    I believe the freedom of speech imparted by the Wonderful Web can be problematic at times.

    Reply
    • sj
      January 11, 2013 at 11:11 am

      In instances like this, though – it’s not just on the web. This is the kind of thing you hear women saying in their own lives all the time. Has the internet helped it spread faster and further than before? Yeah, probably. Unfortunately, it’s not just an online thing, though.

      Reply
  23. therelentlessreader
    January 11, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Women can be such assholes. I don’t know why but I do know I DON’T LIKE IT. Comments about looks are infuriating. Calling someone too skinny, too fat, too ANYTHING..just shut up ya know?

    This is a fabulous post and the comments made me tear up. I love the hell out of this community and I love that we refuse to let people tear us down. Fuck the naysayers, we’re all gorgeous.

    Reply
  24. absentmindedscientist
    January 13, 2013 at 11:11 am

    My grandma used to say, “The worst enemy a woman can have is another woman.” And, though at the time I found this absurd and stereotypical, I have since found this to be very true. Sad, really, since we should understand each other better, shouldn’t we? But instead of sympathizing with each other, we find it more entertaining to one-up each other! For shame!

    Who cares how someone looks! Why do we have these unwritten rules that stereotype skinny women as ‘bitches’ and fat ones ‘dumb’? In a world where everyone wants to be “individualistic” and “unique” and “out-of-the-box” and so on, why is everyone so obsessed with conforming to rules when it comes to their body image? Isn’t it time we embraced ourselves (and others) as we (they) are?

    Oh wait! Who am I kidding? If it could be done, it would have BEEN DONE ALREADY!

    **Shakes head in disdain**

    Reply
  25. Stephanie
    January 13, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Oh yuck. I really hate comments like this. It’s like women are so defensive about how they look that they need to attack anyone who looks different to valdiate themselves or something. Seriously. Guys don’t seem to do this, do they? Why do we? Isn’t life hard enough?

    Reply
  26. becomingcliche
    January 19, 2013 at 10:05 am

    I’ve had a hard time coming here to comment. Partly because everything has been said already. Partly because this subject is a difficult one for me. It hurts me to see that the reaction to an individual who is suspected of having an eating disorder is not sympathy or encouragement. It’s sarcasm and outright anger.

    I know few women with eating disorders who feel any pride over their illness. There are stages where there is pride over self-denial, but eventually what we’re left with is shame. Shame for not being the size we feel we should be, shame for not being able to control these compulsions, shame for our body betraying us by feeling hunger. It’s heartwarming to know that strangers judge harshly those who are in the grip of a serious illness. Hey, why don’t we bash some cancer patients next?

    My daughter is rail-thin. She has her dad’s build. She will suck down one of those gigantic Starbucks dessert-y drinks that I can’t spell, loves cheese, and would totally take my last MoonPie if it didn’t have marshmallows in it (she’s vegetarian and doesn’t eat gelatin). If someone made such hateful comments about her, I would mark it off to jealousy and ignorance, but it would be very, very hard to not bear a grudge.

    There’s a difference between saying “Eat a bleepy-bleep pork chop” and saying “Hey, I’m worried that you may have a problem.”

    Now you are privileged to have read my disjointed ramblings. You are welcome.

    Reply
  27. Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)
    January 27, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    I’m so late to this internet party, but I just had to say this: I am so glad every single one of you exists. That there is a place for compassionate, kind, supportive, multigendered conversation about all-body positivity anywhere on the internet is worth celebrating.

    I’m a bellydance teacher, and I primarily focus on using the dance form to build positive relationships between my students and their bodies. I’ve had students who struggled with obesity and students who struggled with bulimia. And I’ve learned that the feeling that there is something wrong with your body transcends every body type, every gender, every age above early childhood. Part of the process of learning bellydance is allowing yourself to completely relax the stomach in order to create fluid, isolated undulations, and every single time I come to the part of class where I address how unbelievably hard it is for all of us to just let go and allow our stomachs to be, there’s an absolute flood of emotion. A lot of tears, hand-holding, and group hugs. It seems like such a small thing: just relax your stomach! But it’s HUGE. And, for almost everyone, first terrifying and then enormously liberating. But it’s liberating because of the environment we create for each other, of kindness and love and honesty: discovering that you’re surrounded by women who look completely different from you but have the same fears, and then saying EFF YOU, FEARS, THIS IS MY EFFING BODY, can be a pretty radical experience. But hard – way, way harder than it should be.

    I could talk about how we all got that fear, but it will just make me angry, and this post and all its comments made me so happy. So I’ll just say that the universality of feeling like there is something wrong with the way you look, and all of us – women maybe especially – have got to realize that there is no circumstance under which we can assume that a person (of any gender!!) has not felt shame about the way their body looks. And it is time and more than time that we started to act accordingly. Supporting someone’s health and well-being can be done without a single comment about the way their body appears to you. So thank you, everyone here, for giving me such a sense of possibility & hope.

    Reply
  28. hrygth
    March 27, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Thank you! Such a good post. I was at the shit end of bullying throughout most of my childhood, and I heard both. First I was too fat, then after I starved myself and plunged head on into bulimia whenever I did eat- I was suddenly too thin. It was a no win situation. Too fat, too thin, back and forth, and that is still how the pendulum swings in my own head. At least I learned how to be a good person and a real friend after experiencing all of that. So that is good. I guess. I still wish that mirrors ceased to exist, or at least my perception of self. Again- thanks for the post.

    Reply
    • sj
      March 27, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

      I still struggle with liking what I see in the mirror on a daily basis, and I know it’s something I’m going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. HOWEVER, I CAN say that what I see now doesn’t send me into a day long sneaky hate spiral like it would have just 5 years ago.

      Reply
  29. melodramacake
    March 31, 2013 at 4:10 am

    Thank you for this!
    It is something that really needed to be said.
    Like Hryght, I was slightly over weight as a child. One of my mothers friends actually told her that I was ‘fat’ and needed to go on a diet. My mother laughed.
    In highschool the opposite happened. I stopped eating and developed annorexia.
    It’s been 7 years and I’m just starting to get comfortable within my own skin.
    What most people don’t understand is that-
    You can be at any weight and still be annorexic.
    It doesn’t have anything to do with weight.
    It has to do with self perception.

    Reply

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