A few things you should know before reading this not-really-a-review review:
1. I realize I’m not this book’s target demo.
2. I’ve had a really bad week, and sometimes the only way to get myself out of said bad week is to read something I know I’ll fucking hate so that I can snark on it. I’ve been reading mostly ALL THE AMAZING THINGS lately, so I knew when I saw that this had come out that it would suit my needs nicely.
3. I had to break into my Valentine’s stash (a Chilean Cabernet and some Toffifay, if you must know) just to finish this stupid thing.
…I think I originally had more points, but SEE POINT THREE and you’ll understand why I can’t really remember them right now.
Done with the hate read. HOLY SHITSTICKBANANAS, IT WAS SO FUCKING BAD.
That’s from an email I sent to Amy MOMENTS AFTER finishing Lauren DeStefano’s final Chemical Garden book, Sever. Can I call it a book? I feel like I should, but really it was just a bunch of disconnected thoughts that somehow got published.
And then I’m pretty sure Amy almost died laughing at shitstickbananas, which I kind of don’t blame her cos I think it’s pretty funny too.
BUT THAT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS BOOK.
What does have to do with this book is how HORRIBLE the story was.
I am trying to figure out if this shit would make me cry if I was still 16y/o sj and I really don’t think it would have. I didn’t cry at books or movies until after my oldest was born (true story, when I was in high school, a friend of mine bet me five dollars that I’d cry during that movie with Richard Gere and Jodie Foster [which google tells me was called Sommersby] and that was THE EASIEST FIVE DOLLARS I EVER MADE), so something like this that was obviously TRYING to pull at your emotions would have just pissed young sj RIGHT THE HELL OFF, much like it does 30-something sj.
It’s nice to know that some things stay the same, isn’t it?
So, there were all of these moments that I think were supposed to induce a [gaspshockawe]/heartstring-tugging-waterworks reaction, but which really only served to make me roll my eyes so hard I ended up with an excedrin headache. AND THE DEATHS. Since it’s the last book, of course people died, but NOT WHO YOU’D THINK…unless you’re over the age of 12 and have cognitive faculties greater than that of your typical 6th grader.
Also, for some reason, I can’t believe that I couldn’t remember one of the main character’s names? I kept calling him Landon in my head, but his name is really Linden. Which is also a stupid name, right? What did I read with a Landon lately, anyone?
(oh, dur – Thursday Next!)
So, if you’ve been reading for a while, you may remember that I didn’t actually hate the first book in this series (which Megiggles TOTALLY MADE ME READ), I was just disappointed because I thought it had a modicum of potential which went unfulfilled.
Because of that possible potential, I felt the need to finish this series off, even though I wanted the second book to die in a fire cos it was one of the stupidest things I read last year.
IT WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.
Listen, if you’re tempted to read these books, go ahead and read the first one and then I will spoil the shit out of the second and third books for you so that you don’t have to waste your time.
Not worthy of a Trashy Tuesday, but I’m still reading shit so you don’t have to.
Oh, and the cover sucks.