Six Books I Will Never Read

You all know by now that Heather and I are reading ALL THE SK this year, and I’m in the process of finishing up Danse Macabre.  I posted a status update on it earlier, and a friend of mine that had just finished reading Laurell K Hamilton’s Danse Macabre asked me what I thought of it so far.

I answered without thinking, but then realized…HEY!  This isn’t the book she thinks it is!  So I told her which book I was ACTUALLY reading and then texted Heather saying “I’ll read almost anything, but I won’t read that.”  Which got me pondering…what ARE the books I know I’ll never ever read?  There’s a lot of pretty popular stuff on here, so at the risk of alienating – um, everyone – here are the first things that popped into my head.

1. The Lost Symbol – Dan Brown
   

   For some reason, this cover looks diiiiiiirty to me.

   I know, I know – it’s totes popular to hate on Dan Brown now.  I only read his first…oh, FFS, FOUR(?!) books because my dad made me.  We’d gone over to visit him when we only had one child still and this was before all of the world was super excited about The Da Vinci Code, he handed me a stack of books as I was walking in the door and said “You HAVE TO read these.  I need someone to talk about them with.”  Being the most amazing daughter that I am, I DID read them and then pretended like I hadn’t.  Or I pretended I thought they were better than they were.  Whatever I did, I didn’t want my dad to know that I thought he had the worst taste in the world, so I tried to let him down easily…but I kind of failed because he now knows better than to even bring up this man’s name in my presence.  Score one for sj.  Except, really – I lost.  Because I read those stupid books and that’s time I will NEVER HAVE BACK.  Shame on you, Dan Brown, for making people think you have talent when all you REALLY have is a world class PR machine.

2. The Night Circus – Erin Morgenstern
   

   This cover IS super pretty, I’ll give you that.

   Yeah, yeah, yeah – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU has read and loved this or has plans to read this, but…I already know it’s not for me.  I don’t like circuses.  I don’t like romances.  I don’t like overly florid prose.  This has all of those.  I’ve read excerpts that brought on allergy attacks because they were so flowery.  No.  Thank.  You.

3. The Notebook – Nicholas Sparks
   

   This cover is just as boring as I imagine the book to be.

   A few years ago I had a job that really sucked.  My boss sucked and the job itself was pretty much the worst, but it was at a really rough time for us (I’d been let go from my previous GOOD job and pretty much had to take whatever so that we could afford rent, groceries, etc) so I was pretty much just lucky to have a job at all.  When I was hired, my boss was excited to learn that I loved to read.  I was excited to learn that SHE loved to read.  Until she started going on and on about the crap she read that I had ZERO interest in.  Nicholas Sparks was one of her favourite authors and she sent me home with…one of his books, I don’t even remember which.  Much like with my dad in the Dan Brown story above, I read it so that I could tell her I had, and politely declined her further offers of books.  I don’t give a shit that this movie spawned America’s love affair with Ryan Gosling, I really don’t.  I won’t ever read it, nor will I ever watch the movie.  ROMANCE, BLECH.

4. Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn
   

   If I read the book, would this make sense?

   I don’t caaaaaaare that everyone read and loved this book last year, I really don’t.  I read the synopsis, I read ALL THE REVIEWS (no, seriously – I read so many reviews of this book last year I kind of want to vomit just thinking about it), I even read the first few pages…nope, not for me.  At all.  I’m glad you all found something you could bond over last year, but this is a club I won’t be joining.  Sorry.  Maybe next time (except I know there won’t be a next time).

5. My Sister’s Keeper – Jodi Picoult
   

   This one also makes me uncomfortable.

   Gahhhh, Jodi Picoult is another author that the aforementioned terrible boss was in love with.  I read one of her books and was pissed at the blatant attempt to manipulate my emotions.  Horrible Situations + Clichés ≠ Good Storytelling.  This is another author that I know many of you enjoy and I’m really sorry if this hurts your feelings, but ZOMG I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS SO EFFING POPULAR.  Like, at all.  Ugh.

6. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
   

   I actually kind of love this. I approve.

   I’ll admit it.  Having this book on here kind of makes me feel like an asshole.  Because it’s not so much anything that I have against the book or the author, it’s the personal associations I have with the book itself that make me sure I’ll never ever read it.  Have you ever had a friend that was just the bestest friend ever?  And then had that relationship fall apart in such a way that you never wanted anything to do with anything that even REMINDED you of that person ever again?  That’s what this book is for me.  This book is a painful reminder of a failed friendship, and for that reason I know I won’t ever pick it up.

So, there you have it.  Six books I’m 100% certain I will never in this life pick up.  What are the books you know you’ll never read?  What are the things you’re always saying “Oh, I’ll get around to that someday,” but that you actually know you never will?

Am I alone, here?  You’re not going to convince me to pick any of these up, but if you’d like to try you can go right ahead in the comments.

Dear Blogging Me

sj,

You’ve been letting this whole blogging thing get to you lately.  You’re stressing yourself out and comparing yourself to other bloggers, but that’s not fair.  You’re you.  You’re not them, so why are you allowing yourself to feel down when you see that someone whose content you deem inferior (there you go with your snobbery again) has twice as many followers/comments/views as you?  You really need to knock that shit off.

The people who read your blog read it for what you (you, uniquely) bring to the table.  They don’t expect you to be anyone else, because if they did, they would be reading that other blog and not yours.  Remember last year when Mandy wrote her Blogging Manifesto?  You need something like that to remind you why you’re even here.

To make things simpler for you, I’ve compiled a list of things I hope you’ll keep in mind when you’re frustrated with how you think things are going (plus, we both know you love the shit out of lists).

• Your stats are not indicative of your worth as a blogger, or as a person.  You’ve done so much better lately, I’m proud that you no longer check them as much – but you still freak out when you think you’ve posted something fantastic and you don’t think enough people are reading.  Please stop that.  Just because something resonated with you, doesn’t mean it will push the buttons of everyone else on the planet.  
• You will stop looking down on people who only post the various weekly memes.  Just because it isn’t for you (because you HATE them) doesn’t mean other people don’t think they have worth.  You are not everyone else, and you can just not participate (like you have been for always).  Don’t be tempted to fall into that trap, though – we both know that if you did, it would only be for the sake of page views.  You’re better than that.
• You will stop apologizing for absences/breaks from blogging.  Everyone has shit happen to them in their real lives.  They don’t expect you to be any different.  You do not need to explain, and you really need to work on that apologizing for everything thing that you do, anyway.
• You need to remember the joy you felt when people first started reading and commenting.  Be happy when someone new comments, but don’t be sad when people stop following/commenting.  Not everything is about you.  Maybe they have their own shit going on.  The previous point?  It doesn’t just apply to you.
• Stop making everything the end of the world.  Seriously.  It’s annoying and you know you hate when you do that.
• You will STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO EVERYONE ELSE.  Dude.  Even I’m starting to get pissed off at you about this one.  Knock it off.  You’re coming across like a whiny asshole.  Stop it.
• You don’t have to review everything you read.  You’re doing better about this one this year, but I know you, and I know you’re still looking at all the things you’ve read so far thinking “I really should try to write about that at some point.”  No.  You don’t.  Stop it.  If you force it, it’s worse than just not writing at all.
• If you find yourself worrying/agonizing about your blog, take a step back.  This is something you need to get better about.  You do this a lot, and you let it get you down.  This is not healthy.  Writing this blog is not your job.  You started this blog for fun (and to get out of NaNoWriMo, but that’s another thing entirely), and when it stops being fun you’re missing the point.   That’s not to say you can’t still write about things that make you angry, just…stop sweating it, okay?  For realsies.

You’re worth reading, but you are worrying too much.  Keep this around to re-read when you’re getting sad/frustrated/annoyed/furious.  No, don’t argue with me, just do it.  But not like Nike, cos you don’t like their shoes anyway.

It Had to be Done Some Time

Everyone has (at some point) been asked the “You’re stuck on a deserted island, you only have [insert number here] books/albums/whatever the hell else FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, what do you pick?” question posted to them.

I’ve probably spent more time thinking about this than the average person, because that’s the way my brain works.  I can’t answer the book question, because my FAVOURITE books aren’t necessarily the books I’d choose.  If I were talking about books, I’d have to take into consideration compendiums and whatnot, and that’s just more work than I’m willing to put in at the moment.

So, today, I’m going to talk about the five ALBUMS I’d take with me – were I lucky enough to be stranded with an iPod (that only holds five albums, WTS?) and a way to keep it charged until I died of scurvy or some shit.  These are albums that I can (and have) listen/ed to over and over and will never ever grow tired of.

sj’s Deserted Island Top Five

(in chronological order)

1.  The Beatles – Rubber Soul
Yeah, maybe it’s a total cliché to choose The Beatles, but IDGaF.  This album has been one of my favourites for almost as long as I can remember.  I’m ignoring the fact that my “class song” when I graduated from high school was In My Life (because, ZOMG there was some terrible singing at graduation, no joke) and just thinking about how a few of my happy childhood memories stem from listening to this album with my Nan (who was a huge fan of both The Beatles and CCR) and the two of us singing Drive My Car whenever we were out together.

2.  Pixies – Surfer Rosa

One could argue that this is my favourite album by my favourite band, so it should be my favourite album of all-time, right?  Eh, possibly.  It’s up there, as should be evident by its place on this list.  My main concern about having this on here is that my FAVOURITE FAVOURITE versions of a lot of these songs are off of bootlegs from the 80s (oops), so I don’t know how long I’d go without wishing that I had some of those available to me.  I know I’d be saying “Oh, but I really just want to listen to that version of Break My Body from Boston in ’87!” before too much time had passed, but here’s the thing – my very favourite song of all time is on this album, so it has to be on the list.  I had considered not telling you what my favourite song is, but I know no one would guess.  This is my all-time favourite song, ever.  So, there you go.

3.  Beastie Boys – Paul’s Boutique

OH, THE ARGUMENTS!  No, srsly, I’ve had so many FIGHTS about whether Paul’s Boutique is superior to Check Your Head (hint: it totally is) and friendships have been close to ENDING because CERTAIN PEOPLE refuse to recognize the genius of what is obviously the greatest hip hop record ever recorded.  No.  Shut up.  I’m totally for realsies here.  FFS, Sounds of Science is better than almost any song ever released, I don’t understand how people can still want to argue this point or fail to recognize the genius of this album.  Bonus, go listen to Shadrach (or, if you can find it – get a copy of An Exciting Evening at Home with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego…you’re lucky, I’m not taking EPs with me on my island adventure or I’d be taking that one too, just for Your Sister’s Def [DRE!]) and try to argue with me.  You still don’t believe me?  I hate you.

4.  Magnetic Fields – 69 Love Songs

Okay, I admit it.  I feel like kind of a snapebalrog including this one because TECHNICALLY it’s THREE albums and not just one.  BUT, you really have to have all three albums together, or the title doesn’t make any snaping sense.  No, seriously – if you only have ONE, it would be 23 love songs and that’s just stupid. This album breaks my heart into tiny pieces with Reno Dakota, then puts it back together with The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing.  I giggle to The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side, and sob my face off to All My Little Words.  This is an album that just gets better and more fraught with personal meaning every time I listen to it.

5.  Explosions in the Sky – Take Care, Take Care, Take Care

This album is still fairly new, but I’ve already listened to it (repeatedly) more than a lot of the other stuff in my personal library, and it’s actually the album that inspired this post tonight.  I was listening to Postcard from 1952 on repeat, and said to myself “I will never ever get tired of this song.”  It’s true.  According to iTunes, I’ve listened to this song over 100 times since the album came out less than 2 years ago, and I’m still not anywhere close to being sick of it.  Don’t let my adoration for this one song cause you to think the entire album is less than stellar, though.  It’s all amazing.  Even more amazing?  This video, and seeing them perform the album live (even though I’ve never been to Belgium).  It’s gorgeous.  No, really.  Put this on and close your eyes, and spend an hour and twenty minutes being swept away by the music.  [happy sigh]

There are runners up, but these are my definitive list, as of the fifth of February, 2013.  What’s on yours?

Sidenote:  Thank you to everyone who commented on Sunday’s post.  Your kind words mean the world to me.  I was going to reply to each comment, but it was too difficult.  Thank you for understanding.  <3

The Snobbery’s Naughty and Nice List 2012 Edition (Part V)

So I saw a comment in my twitter feed last Wednesday (the day the previous installment was posted), where someone was wishing that people would stop posting Best Of lists.  The bitchy contrary part of me immediately said (yes, out loud) “MAKE TEN MORE LISTS!!!!”  Now (and partially because Em is totally a bad influence) I’m trying to come up with increasingly ridiculous lists.  You might see some.  OR YOU MIGHT NOT.  You might also get a round of posts full of foul language after my dad makes me go see The Hobbit next weekend.  I DON’T KNOW YET.  You’ll have to wait and see.

ANYWAY, this post is going to cover things I read this year that I loved that didn’t make it onto the last list.

~o~

~o~

sj’s TIP TOP FAVOURITE Books Read in 2012

ALL THE WALTER MOERS!

Susie DMed me in August, telling me she’d suggested my name to Tara as someone who might be interested in a blog tour she (Tara) was setting up for the upcoming Labyrinth of Dreaming Books.  ”Have you/would you be interested in reading Walter Moers?” she asked.

At that point, I’d never even heard of him, but City of Dreaming Books sounded like something that was right up my alley, so I said I would be THE MOST INTERESTED, SEND ME ALL THE BOOKS! (um, paraphrasing)

I fell in love with CoDB within the first few pages.  Like, hard.  And then I got angry.  Because I couldn’t believe that NO ONE HAD BOTHERED TO TELL ME ABOUT THESE BOOKS BEFORE NOW!  There are very few authors who can write something that feels like it was written expressly for me.  The further I got into that book (and then subsequent books), the more I realized I was reading the exact sort of thing I’d ask someone to write for me – y’know, if that sort of thing were okay.

Walter Moers has been added to my list of “ZOMG, CAN’T WAIT MUST READ NAO!” authors.  There aren’t many on that list, so I hope he realizes what an honour it is to be there.  Hee.  Also, there are two other books already translated into English that I haven’t read yet, but I’ll be buying those for myself right after the holidays, when it’s okay to spend money on myself again.

Unless someone wants to buy me presents, then you can get me The 13½ Lives of Captain Bluebear and Rumo & His Miraculous Adventures.  Just sayin’.

~o~

My New Favourite Thursday Next Novel by Jasper Fforde

I’ll admit that I’m a little bit of an asshole about this.  Not EVERY BOOK can be my favourite, but every time I finish one of these I say “Nope.  That one’s my favourite.  Forget the rest, this one is the best.”  I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME!  Which kind of surprised me, because on paper, this book should have been one of my least favourites in the series.

It didn’t have ANY of the stuff I loved about the last few books, and it was set entirely in Swindon, which should have been the kiss of death…but somehow it wasn’t terrible.  No, in fact, it totally rocked.

I cried, I laughed, I wanted to punch things.  Isn’t that what we all hope we’ll get from our books?  That kind of emotional response, something that just makes you glad you know how to read?

By the time I got to the last page, I had a huge smile on my face and knew there was no way I’d be able to review it impartially.  Do me a favour, if you hate these books, please don’t tell me.  I get wildly irrational, and wouldn’t be able to pretend to be nice to you anymore.

He spent his life immersed in books to the cost of everything else, even personal relationships. “Friends,” he’d once said, “are probably great, but I have forty thousand friends of my own already, and each of them needs my attention.”

~o~

Obviously this summer wasn’t my first, tenth, or even twentieth time reading through Tolkien.  It was, however, the first time I’d attempted to read it with a group.  It was also the first time I’d actually tried to commit my thoughts on these books to writing.  Everyone that participated gives me warm fuzzies.  Thank you, so much for joining, for reading, for drinking along with the movies, for writing your own posts, and just for showing up to keep me from talking to myself.

Truly.  Thank you.  <3

(If you didn’t participate in the group read/watch, but are still interested in reading the posts and comments, click on the Puttin’ the Blog in Balrog menu right below the header.)

~o~

So, this is a bit of promotion for some friends I love dearly and am incredibly proud of.  Volcanoes is Nicole‘s third book in her Grace Murphy series, and it’s her best yet.  I can’t review it because I’m FAR TOO CLOSE to it, but I can tell you that I love Grace (even when she’s an idiot) and I’m incredibly happy just knowing these books exist.

…AND THEN!  The lovely Amy had a book of poetry published this year!  AND IT’S SO GOOD!  I don’t usually read poetry but Amy made me want to read more.  No, seriously.

Go buy both of these books.  Or not.  But I think you should.

~o~

That’s all for today!  These are the books I loved the very very most in 2012, I hope you all had just as many new reading loves this year, too.  Thanks for reading.

The Snobbery’s Naughty and Nice List 2012 Edition (Part IV)

Now that my Rant Engines have been re-engaged, I’m having a hard time getting it together enough to talk about the things I loved this year.  AND THERE WERE SO MANY!  I might have to split this Nice post into two.  One for NEW things and one for things that were NEW TO ME.  Or I might just mix them up and put everything in neat little categories.

Sound good?

Honestly, I really don’t care if it sounds good because that’s how I’m doing it.  So there.

~o~

~o~

sj’s Favourite Books of 2012

Best SF

The Deacon’s Tale by Arinn Dembo (reviewed Mar. 18)

Really, I shouldn’t have liked this as much as I did.  As you can see right there on the cover, this is a Sword of the Stars novel.  I don’t play, nor have I ever played Sword of the Stars (but it appears to have a decent following, I just don’t play many computer games anymore).  It’s set in an established future universe that should really only appeal to SotS gamers.

But I loved it.  No tedious infodumps for newbs, just good story telling.  And the best part?  There were these detailed Appendices at the end, that were really supposed to be for the players, but that I found incredibly helpful.

If you like space operas, give this a try.  As I said up there, you don’t have to’ve played the game to fall into this one.

Best YA

I have a few choices for this one, so just hang tight.

The Last Dragonslayer by Jasper Fforde (review haiku May 14), Debris Dreams by David Colby (reviewed Oct. 15) and Katya’s World (reviewed Oct. 1) by Jonathan L Howard

So, here we have 2 sf novels and a fantasy novel.  Other than the genre aspect, the only thing in common is how very SMART they are.  These are books that don’t assume young readers are stupid.  These are books that don’t act all condescending to their readers, just because they MIGHT not be adults.  I’ve already talked my 13 year old into reading the Fforde, but I’m still WORKING on getting him into sf, so the other two might be a bit of a struggle.

These are books that make me wish I knew more kids in their target age group so that I could hand them a bundle of awesome reading material this holiday.

If you have teens that like reading and you want to get them something that isn’t full of icky love triangles and stupid girls that need to be rescued every five seconds, buy them these books.

Best MG

How to Train Your Dragon series by Cressida Cowell

OKAY, YOU CAUGHT ME!

1. I haven’t reviewed these here, only on goodreads.
2. I haven’t actually finished the series, I have only read the first six books (but I do have the next 2, I’m just missing 9 and 10).

So, forgive me for that, but ZOMG WHY HAVEN’T YOU READ THESE YET?!  I know you’ve probably all seen the Dreamworks movie that claims to be based on the first book, but they ARE NOTHING ALIKE.  And, as my husband informed me last night, I’m not allowed to talk shit about the movie retroactively since I saw it before I read these, but…

I’m kind of going to anyway.

Sorry, husband.

It’s really unfair to compare the two.  They’re both set in the same place, and the characters (some of them) have the same names, but other than that they really don’t have a whole lot in common.  The books are a lot funnier than the movie was, and you won’t LOVE TOOTHLESS in the books like you did in the movie…unless you love him for being a little asshole all the time.  Because he totally is, but it’s hilarious.  Instead of getting Hiccup OUT of trouble, he’s usually the CAUSE of the trouble, and he shows zero remorse for it.

Adults, you’ll like these if you still retain your childish whimsy.  Parents, get them if you have little boys and girls that like Vikings and dragons and can appreciate a well-told fart joke.

Best Urban Fantasy

The Collector series (reviewed June 19 and Aug. 26) by Chris F. Holm and the Miriam Black series (reviewed Jul. 16 and Jul. 23) by Chuck Wendig

Oh, look!  We could easily call this “sj’s ZOMG FAVOURITE Covers of the Year” or “Angry Robot Really Outdid Themselves With These Titles” or “Just Take My Money For The Next Twelve Books Already.”

I don’t know if there will be that many more with either of these series, but a girl can hope, yeah?

Anyway, the only thing these books have in common with each other (other than the things mentioned above) are their publisher and that they’re awesome.

The Collector series follows Sam, a basically good guy who made a few bad decisions and now works collecting the souls of the damned.  Both books are great, but I like the second a bit more.  It expands on the first (it’s not really necessary to read both, but you’ll catch cool little references if you read them back to back), but doesn’t get mired in further backstory than is necessary.  They’re both incredibly fastpaced and difficult to put down.  I really can’t wait to read The Big Reap in July.  CAN’T WAIT.

Miriam Black is not for the faint of heart.  If you’re adverse to swearing, or…well, just some gross out imagery, you should skip these.  Seriously.  There are a ton of really bad reviews by people who went in thinking they were getting another YA UF novel with a pretty cover and hated it because this wasn’t what they were expecting.  Kate told me after she read Blackbirds that she wanted to take a bunch of showers, and that’s pretty accurate.  You’ll feel a little dirty after finishing.  Carpet Noodle.

~o~

Next time, I’ll talk about my NEW FAVOURITE AUTHOR and a new book by one of my CURRENT FAVOURITES.  In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves.  What did you lovelovelove this year?