You all know by now that Heather and I are reading ALL THE SK this year, and I’m in the process of finishing up Danse Macabre. I posted a status update on it earlier, and a friend of mine that had just finished reading Laurell K Hamilton’s Danse Macabre asked me what I thought of it so far.
I answered without thinking, but then realized…HEY! This isn’t the book she thinks it is! So I told her which book I was ACTUALLY reading and then texted Heather saying “I’ll read almost anything, but I won’t read that.” Which got me pondering…what ARE the books I know I’ll never ever read? There’s a lot of pretty popular stuff on here, so at the risk of alienating – um, everyone – here are the first things that popped into my head.
- The Lost Symbol – Dan Brown
I know, I know – it’s totes popular to hate on Dan Brown now. I only read his first…oh, FFS, FOUR(?!) books because my dad made me. We’d gone over to visit him when we only had one child still and this was before all of the world was super excited about The Da Vinci Code, he handed me a stack of books as I was walking in the door and said “You HAVE TO read these. I need someone to talk about them with.” Being the most amazing daughter that I am, I DID read them and then pretended like I hadn’t. Or I pretended I thought they were better than they were. Whatever I did, I didn’t want my dad to know that I thought he had the worst taste in the world, so I tried to let him down easily…but I kind of failed because he now knows better than to even bring up this man’s name in my presence. Score one for sj. Except, really – I lost. Because I read those stupid books and that’s time I will NEVER HAVE BACK. Shame on you, Dan Brown, for making people think you have talent when all you REALLY have is a world class PR machine.
- The Night Circus – Erin Morgenstern
Yeah, yeah, yeah – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU has read and loved this or has plans to read this, but…I already know it’s not for me. I don’t like circuses. I don’t like romances. I don’t like overly florid prose. This has all of those. I’ve read excerpts that brought on allergy attacks because they were so flowery. No. Thank. You.
- The Notebook – Nicholas Sparks
A few years ago I had a job that really sucked. My boss sucked and the job itself was pretty much the worst, but it was at a really rough time for us (I’d been let go from my previous GOOD job and pretty much had to take whatever so that we could afford rent, groceries, etc) so I was pretty much just lucky to have a job at all. When I was hired, my boss was excited to learn that I loved to read. I was excited to learn that SHE loved to read. Until she started going on and on about the crap she read that I had ZERO interest in. Nicholas Sparks was one of her favourite authors and she sent me home with…one of his books, I don’t even remember which. Much like with my dad in the Dan Brown story above, I read it so that I could tell her I had, and politely declined her further offers of books. I don’t give a shit that this movie spawned America’s love affair with Ryan Gosling, I really don’t. I won’t ever read it, nor will I ever watch the movie. ROMANCE, BLECH.
- Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn
I don’t caaaaaaare that everyone read and loved this book last year, I really don’t. I read the synopsis, I read ALL THE REVIEWS (no, seriously – I read so many reviews of this book last year I kind of want to vomit just thinking about it), I even read the first few pages…nope, not for me. At all. I’m glad you all found something you could bond over last year, but this is a club I won’t be joining. Sorry. Maybe next time (except I know there won’t be a next time).
- My Sister’s Keeper – Jodi Picoult
Gahhhh, Jodi Picoult is another author that the aforementioned terrible boss was in love with. I read one of her books and was pissed at the blatant attempt to manipulate my emotions. Horrible Situations + Clichés ≠ Good Storytelling. This is another author that I know many of you enjoy and I’m really sorry if this hurts your feelings, but ZOMG I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS SO EFFING POPULAR. Like, at all. Ugh.
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
I’ll admit it. Having this book on here kind of makes me feel like an asshole. Because it’s not so much anything that I have against the book or the author, it’s the personal associations I have with the book itself that make me sure I’ll never ever read it. Have you ever had a friend that was just the bestest friend ever? And then had that relationship fall apart in such a way that you never wanted anything to do with anything that even REMINDED you of that person ever again? That’s what this book is for me. This book is a painful reminder of a failed friendship, and for that reason I know I won’t ever pick it up.
So, there you have it. Six books I’m 100% certain I will never in this life pick up. What are the books you know you’ll never read? What are the things you’re always saying “Oh, I’ll get around to that someday,” but that you actually know you never will?
Am I alone, here? You’re not going to convince me to pick any of these up, but if you’d like to try you can go right ahead in the comments.