I sat down last night with a bottle and a half of wine (no, I didn’t drink it all, even though I wanted to) and Desolation of Smaug. I knew I needed the wine to get through the movie. I was right.
Here’s the thing.
I have these damn books practically memorized. I know that probably seems ridiculous to some, but it’s true. I can tell you what happens when, and to whom. I can tell you the colours of the dwarves cloaks and beards. I can tell you about all this minutiae that you probably have no interest in.
So how is it that you make a movie that I cannot follow?
No, seriously. I was completely lost for more than half the TWO HOUR AND FORTY ONE MINUTE RUN TIME of this monstrosity.
I can appreciate you wanting to tell the story of the razing of Dol Guldur. I wouldn’t have minded seeing that happen THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. But all of this extra Orc nonsense and the whole BRING ME HIS HEAD ON A PIKE bullshit just got in the way.
You seem to have an obsession with close ups of hands. I guess that’s cool, we can’t all pick our fetishes. I had a bit of a problem with how well manicured everyone was, though. Y’know, Bilbo’s done some hard travelling. I liked that you had the grime all rubbed in around his cuticles. Nice touch. But I could still see his perfectly shaped fingernails literally SHINING THROUGH. Whaaaaaat? My nails stop being shiny if I ignore them for a few days. Who the hell was buffing this shit inbetween dirt baths? I really want to know this.
AND WHO THE FUCK DESIGNED BEORN?! That person should be taken out in a back alley somewhere and fucking shot.
Now, I’m not saying this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. But it’s kind of the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
WHO GROOMS HIS EYEBROWS?! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS NOSE? WHY DO I SUDDENLY NO LONGER HAVE A CRUSH ON BEORN AFTER MORE THAN 25 YEARS OF WISHING HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND?!
This just ruined my childhood and I hate you for it.
It was this ridiculous Beorn, along with the COMPLETELY WRONG WAY THE PARTY ENTERED HIS HOUSE that made me realize this movie was WORSE than other people had led me to believe.
I’m not going to harp on sparkly Legolas or Tauriel’s super weird accent, just know that both bothered me.
The ONLY redeeming thing about this stupid movie was that you at least had the bird cracking open the snail in front of the hidden door. But you couldn’t even do the hidden door right, could you? You had to make it all suspenseful and let us believe they were TOO LATE, before having the keyhole lit up by FUCKING MOONLIGHT. Wait, what? YES. Moonlight.
You are the worst. I don’t understand what Tolkien ever did to you to make you want to treat his work like this, but it kind of breaks my heart.
Go ruin some other fandom (Except Doctor Who. LEAVE THE DAMN DOCTOR ALONE!), please.
ps. If you’re interested in reading my ranty tweets from last night, I storified them here.