Rage Inducing Timey-Wimeyness

About a week and a half ago, I was browsing through the comics section of NetGalley, as I do every few weeks.  I came across IDW’s forthcoming Doctor Who: Prisoners of Time, Vol. 1 and downloaded it IMMEDIATELY.

Cos, um…Doctor Who, dur.

Because I always look up the ISBNs of things I’m going to post about (I know, I’m weird like that), I was surprised to find out that the Galley was missing a little over 40 pages.  I’m assuming this is because we’re only treated to the first three issues, instead of the five that will be published under this name.

So, I was already a little annoyed, realizing that I’d be missing out on the Tom Baker and Davison stories and emailed Tarah (the NetGalley concierge, who was THE MOST HELPFUL), but she wasn’t able to give me any more information.

I can’t review 3/5 of a book, and even if I wanted to, I’d still be upset with the publisher.  Apparently they believe reviewers are a bunch of filthy lying cheats, so in addition to being DRMed up the wazoo (meaning I couldn’t even open a PDF in Adobe Reader, I had to use ADE [seriously, useless - no zoom or anything] which is the NetGalley standard unless the publisher chooses to make their galleys DRM-free [but my issues with DRM would be a WHOLE 'NOTHER POST]) there was a GIGANTIC watermark across the center of EVERY PAGE.  If it was a subtle watermark, that would have been one thing, but no.  It was a huge IN YOUR FACE watermark, making it difficult to even READ the damn thing.

There are several pages where I couldn’t tell you WHAT was supposed to be happening because I couldn’t read them through the stupid watermark.

I get that they’re worried about the book being released early/pirated/whatever, but dude.  Seriously?  If you put something up for review, shouldn’t you make sure that your reviewers can READ IT?  And shouldn’t you make sure that they ACTUALLY GET THE WHOLE THING?

Apparently not. Sorry, sir.

How are we supposed to review a little over half of a book?  And when half of THAT half is ALMOST unreadable because of your huge page obscuring watermark, what are we supposed to do?

I really hate not reviewing books I request, but damn.  You guys are making my not-job really difficult.

(I’d really like to show you all the huge watermark, but since it says in GIANT LETTERS not to distribute, I’m kind of paranoid about posting it here.)

Anyway, of the 3 issues I was able to read, the Troughton was my favourite.  I heart Zoe and Jamie, plus this one had the added bonus of all kinds of Classic Who Creatures.

Basically we should be expecting a new issue each month (some unknown foe is travelling through time to steal the Doctor’s companions in each iteration), one for each incarnation of the Doctor.  I really wanted to read the Tom Baker and Davison issues, but now I’ll have to wait.

I’m only slightly bitter.

Only slightly.

An Open Letter to Asshole Fans (including myself)

I took a nap on Saturday night, and had this really strange dream.  It involved a small town caper where I was the one in charge of figuring out whodunit, but my husband woke me up before I could solve the mystery.  I was very groggy when he came into the room to get me up (cos, Doctor Who was about to be on and he knew I’d be pissed if I missed it) and shouted something to the effect of “NOW I’LL NEVER GET  TO FIGURE OUT WHO DID IT!” at him.  He just stood there with concern on his face.  My shouting dream remnants at him is (sadly) nothing new.  He just had to wait for me to realize that I was now awake.

(I promise, this touches on a point I’m about to make – please stay with me.)

After shouting, I got a little sad because the dream had stuck with me, and the part of it that remained clear in my head was that the news had come out that George RR Martin had passed away before finishing ASoIaF.  Coupled with my current group read of The Elvenbane (the series will never be completed because Andre Norton died in 2005), this got me to thinking about the way we react to our favourite authors and their work…finished or not.

Show of hands among my Stephen King fan friends/readers – how many of us remember our thoughts in June, 1999?  How many of us will admit that our VERY FIRST THOUGHT wasn’t “Oh, I hope he’s okay!” but more along the lines of “Fuck.  If he dies, we never get to find out if Roland makes it to the Tower!”?  If you tell me that thought didn’t even cross your mind, I will call you a liar or weep because you haven’t read that series yet.  Maybe both.

This brings me to my point.  As I was sitting on the edge of my bed on Saturday evening, I thought to myself “Man, I’m such an entitled asshole, aren’t I?”  In my dream – and in real life – I was more concerned about the fact that I’d never get to learn what happened to Jon and Arya and Tyrion and Daenerys than I was with the fact that an author whose work I’ve evangelized for years HAD DIED.

And we’re all like this.  Those of us that are srs-series readers all have this thought in the back of our heads most of the time.

“Man, what if something happens to Jim Butcher before we get our Bad Ass Trilogy?”

“God forbid something should happen to Jasper Fforde before he writes more Shades of Grey books!”

“Did you hear that Gaiman is writing more Sandman?  WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HIM BEFORE I HAVE IT IN MY HANDS?!”

“WHAT IF CASSANDRA CLARE NEVER GETS TO WRITE THE REST OF THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS SERIES THAT WE ALL THOUGHT WAS FINISHED TWO BOOKS AGO?”

(Okay, so maybe that last one is kind of a joke.)

You know what happens then?  We get stuff like the myriad VC Andrews series, still being published almost 30 years after her death.

We get things like the execrable And Another Thing…, which almost completely soured me on the future work of Eoin Colfer.

You know what happens when we put the pressure on our favourite authors to write at a faster pace?  Books that feel rushed (like Deathly Hallows or Cold Days).  Books that are…yeah, okay – but that are probably only a fraction as great as they could have been.  Because they need another round of rewrites or because they haven’t been edited as well as they could have or were left with dangling threads because it had to be RELEASED RIGHT NOW to meet the demands of the asshole fans.

…or we get the last few books in the Earth’s Children series.  A series that Auel should have stopped writing (at the very LEAST) after Plains of Passage.

And I’m including myself in this number.  I’m not calling any of you out without calling myself out too.  I may be many things, but I am not a hypocrite.

So – I guess my question is this:  what gives us this right?  What lets us think it’s okay for us to pressure these authors who give us countless hours of pleasure in the form of the worlds we lose ourselves in?  Yeah, sure – we’re the customers.  But those of us that are readers/writers/bloggers should know just as well as anyone that sometimes the words just aren’t there.  Sometimes they come, but we realize they’re crap so they either get deleted or just never see the light of day.  Sometimes we need more time to make things decent.  Sometimes…it just doesn’t happen at all.

Guys, what do you think?  Why are we all so full of self-importance that we fail to realize that our favourite authors are people just like us?  Why do we allow ourselves to sink to this level?  Why, really, is it such a big deal when we all really have more books available than we’ll ever be able to read in our lifetime?

(Also, this is my official apology to Chris F. Holm who has been absolutely lovely when dealing with my WHEN DO I GET THE BIG REAP ALREADY? questions on twitter.  Thanks, Chris – and I’m sorry.)

“Really? Were there escapators?”

Dude.  I know.  My post about PS/SS was…shit, January third?…um, okay.  So, my post about PS/SS was almost three months ago, and I feel like a total slacker.  BUT, this IS Year of Reading Whatever the Fuck I Want, so if I want to wait THREE MONTHS between reading these books I damn well can.

I re-read Chamber of Secrets this week.  And…I’m not gonna lie.  I enjoyed it a whole lot less than I remember enjoying it the last time (which I think was in 2010, so…), and now I’m totally concerned.  Like, GoF has ALWAYS been my least favourite of the Harry Potter books.  Always.  What if I enjoy it this time?  What if I hate HBP upon re-reading it this year?

WHAT THEN?!

Anyway, yeah.  I did not like this book so much this time around .  Really?  I spent a lot of the time I was reading huffing and sighing.  Because this is supposed to be the book that offers that “A HA!” moment upon re-reading.  Y’know, when you re-read and you get to give the knowing wink and nod cos you totally get that the diary is a horcrux and ZOMG HARRY HAS SOME OF VOLDEMORT INSIDE OF HIM SO HE’S TOTALLY A HORCRUX TOO!!!!  Right?  That’s how you’re supposed to feel upon re-reading CoS.

If you’re a normal person.

Or…not me.  Because while I DID THOSE THINGS, I also spent much of the book reading with a distinct “I am not impressed” look on my face.

What?  You don’t believe me?  Fine.  I had my 6y/o take this picture because I knew you wouldn’t.

Here are some of the many, MANY things that bothered me during this re-read:

• Petunia tried to hit Harry in the HEAD with a fucking FRYING PAN.
• Harry thinks that Draco makes Dudley seem “kind, thoughtful and sensitive.”  REALLY?!  Dude.  You’ve known Draco for NOT EVEN A YEAR.  In that year he’s ratted you and your friends (read:  Hagrid, who is really an irresponsible douchebalrog and nothing you can say will sway me from this opinion) out, tried to steal your not-really-a-friend’s Remembrall, and just been kind of an 11y/o punk.  WHICH HE IS.  On the other hand, you’ve got Dudley who has tormented you with his bully friends for TEN YEARS, but…y’know…no big, right?  Ugh.
• Arthur Weasley shares his office with an “old warlock called Perkins” and Celestina Warbeck is a “singing sorceress.”  MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO CALL THEM.  If they’re witches and wizards, FINE.  But don’t go slipping in warlocks, sorceresses (where are the sorcerERs, btw?), hags and whatever the fuck else without offering some explanation.  Are they all the same?  Are they not?  I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T BOTHER EXPLAINING THAT SHIT.
• Molly Weasley “conjures” a feast.  That’s in direct violation of the Exceptions to Gamp’s Laws of Elemental Transfiguration.  Maybe she didn’t actually conjure it up, but then you’re losing us with the laws you try to set up in later books.
• Ron uses magic to open the trunk of the Ford at KC.  Where the hell is Mafalda Hopkirk?  Why wasn’t anyone notified then?  WHAT GOOD IS THE TRACE IF NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION?!
• Gilderoy Fucking Lockhart.  Listen, I have so many problems with this character, it’s not even funny.  Or, maybe it’s kind of funny, I don’t really know.  I’m dropping the bullet points cos I have to move to numbers JUST FOR LOCKHART.  Sad, yeah?

1. How old is he?  If you buy the movies as canon (which I kind of don’t, but for the purposes of this post, we’ll accept them, ‘kay?), there’s that scene in his office where we see that picture of him in his Ravenclaw gear.
   (sidenote:  A RAVENCLAW?!  MERLIN’S PANTS, WE’RE JUST LETTING ANYONE IN NOW?!)
   

   We’re supposed to buy Kenny as under 17? Excuse me while I die laughing.

   This means he was a student at Hogwarts, and without KNOWING his age, we know that he’s young enough to have been there while Dumbles and Minerva were working there.  PROBABLY around the age of the Marauders, right?  And yet – no one seems to remember him from his school days?  WHAT THE HELL?!

2. He’s completely incompetent and I KNOW that Hagrid tells us he was the on’y one that applied for the job, but FFS.  Dude can’t even handle some Cornish Pixies, he leaves them to his second year students to take care of.  This is ridiculous, and they should have just left the post UNFILLED instead of letting this asshole teach children.
3. Guys.  Guys.  He is RESPLENDENT.  Now, I love the word resplendent as much as the next person, but you know what it always makes me think of?  That episode of King of the Hill (season 7, ep 23 – Witches of East Arlen) where Bobby starts learning MAGICK from David Cross?  Yeah, that.
   

   Yes. This.

   GILDEROY LOCKHART IS TOTALLY DAVID CROSS!  How did I never see this before?!

• I’m done with Lockhart for now, but now I need to talk about something else.  Right before Hallowe’en, everyone is getting sick with colds and we learn that Poppy Pomfrey has a Pepperup Potion that takes care of that virus lickety split (sidenote: how much does it suck to NOT GET A DAY OFF FOR A COLD?).  BUT THEN Filch gets all pissy cos he’s got the flu.  THE FLU.  Why is Poppy able to take care of the cold but not the flu?  I was talking about this with Em the other night and she suggested that maybe potions don’t work on squibs?  It’s an interesting theory, but I don’t understand why potions work on muggles, but not squibs?  This is totally sloppy.
• I’m also a bit annoyed that Filch gets angry about the mud Harry has tracked all over the floors.  If you have magical boarding school, why would you hire someone who CAN’T DO MAGIC to be your caretaker?  Filch has to do all this shit by hand, while watching everyone around him clean up spills and shit with their wands.  I’d be in the worst mood ever all the time, too!
• Why does Dumbles open the back of Colin’s camera to see if he took a picture of his attacker?  If you’re going to use a camera with film, even if you have magic, why would you RUIN THE FILM BY OPENING IT IN AN OPEN AND LIT ROOM?!  Bah.

Now that I’ve spent the last 1000 words ranting, I feel like I’ve given the impression that I hate this book.

But I don’t.  I still succumb to the magic of Harry Potter, just like I always have.  I’m just reading semi-objectively for the first time.

Some things I love:

• Borgin wears a pince-nez!  Heeeee!  This tickles me.
• The Valentine delivering cupids.  Especially the one that “twang[s] his harp in a threatening sort of way.”
• When Hagrid gets taken to Azkaban as a PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.  Plus, my husband makes me laugh every time I mention Harry Potter by saying “NOT AZKABAN PRIZZAN!”
• Fred and George, always.  And Lee Jordan.
• The fact that there’s little Quidditch.
• We learn that the Weasley’s live outside of Ottery St Catchpole, and later that Hermione’s patronus takes the form of an otter.  AWWWW, TWOO WUV!
• FAWKES!
  

…and now I think I’ve rambled on long enough.  Thanks for sticking with me.  Which is your least favourite Harry Potter novel?  Is it this one?  Is it for the reasons I’ve outlined, or something I missed?

I know, I know – #YoRWtFIW, BUT…

HOO, BOY!

A few things you should know before reading this not-really-a-review review:

1. I realize I’m not this book’s target demo.

2. I’ve had a really bad week, and sometimes the only way to get myself out of said bad week is to read something I know I’ll fucking hate so that I can snark on it. I’ve been reading mostly ALL THE AMAZING THINGS lately, so I knew when I saw that this had come out that it would suit my needs nicely.

3. I had to break into my Valentine’s stash (a Chilean Cabernet and some Toffifay, if you must know) just to finish this stupid thing.

…I think I originally had more points, but SEE POINT THREE and you’ll understand why I can’t really remember them right now.

Done with the hate read. HOLY SHITSTICKBANANAS, IT WAS SO FUCKING BAD.

That’s from an email I sent to Amy MOMENTS AFTER finishing Lauren DeStefano’s final Chemical Garden book, Sever. Can I call it a book? I feel like I should, but really it was just a bunch of disconnected thoughts that somehow got published.

And then I’m pretty sure Amy almost died laughing at shitstickbananas, which I kind of don’t blame her cos I think it’s pretty funny too.

BUT THAT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS BOOK.

What does have to do with this book is how HORRIBLE the story was.

I am trying to figure out if this shit would make me cry if I was still 16y/o sj and I really don’t think it would have. I didn’t cry at books or movies until after my oldest was born (true story, when I was in high school, a friend of mine bet me five dollars that I’d cry during that movie with Richard Gere and Jodie Foster [which google tells me was called Sommersby] and that was THE EASIEST FIVE DOLLARS I EVER MADE), so something like this that was obviously TRYING to pull at your emotions would have just pissed young sj RIGHT THE HELL OFF, much like it does 30-something sj.

It’s nice to know that some things stay the same, isn’t it?

So, there were all of these moments that I think were supposed to induce a [gaspshockawe]/heartstring-tugging-waterworks reaction, but which really only served to make me roll my eyes so hard I ended up with an excedrin headache.  AND THE DEATHS.  Since it’s the last book, of course people died, but NOT WHO YOU’D THINK…unless you’re over the age of 12 and have cognitive faculties greater than that of your typical 6th grader.

Also, for some reason, I can’t believe that I couldn’t remember one of the main character’s names?  I kept calling him Landon in my head, but his name is really Linden.  Which is also a stupid name, right?  What did I read with a Landon lately, anyone?

(oh, dur – Thursday Next!)

So, if you’ve been reading for a while, you may remember that I didn’t actually hate the first book in this series (which Megiggles TOTALLY MADE ME READ), I was just disappointed because I thought it had a modicum of potential which went unfulfilled.

Because of that possible potential, I felt the need to finish this series off, even though I wanted the second book to die in a fire cos it was one of the stupidest things I read last year.

IT WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

Listen, if you’re tempted to read these books, go ahead and read the first one and then I will spoil the shit out of the second and third books for you so that you don’t have to waste your time.

Not worthy of a Trashy Tuesday, but I’m still reading shit so you don’t have to.

Oh, and the cover sucks.

Dear Little Cheaters Trying to Avoid Reading The Hobbit

Stop it.  Just…stop.

I’ve been blown away by the sheer number of you finding my little piece of the internet by trying to get out of reading one of my favourite books for school.

I do not understand this.

If your search terms are anything to go on, you’re only being asked to read five chapters at a time.  FIVE.  CHAPTERS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  Five chapters of The Hobbit isn’t even 75 pages in most cases!  How hard is it to read 75 pages?!

[ahem]

I am very annoyed with you all, but I’m going to be nice like Amy and try to answer your questions.

The Hobbit first 5 chapters/Summary of chapters 1-5 of The Hobbit/What happens at the beginning of The Hobbit?

WELL!  You wouldn’t think a bit of classic literature would start with descriptions of drunken hobbit orgies, but it totally does.  Some people would say the first few lines are about Bilbo Baggins’ house, but listen.  ”[...]a nasty, dirty, wet hole” is TOTALLY A EUPHEMISM!  You will probably REALLY impress your teachers if you talk about all the subtext we find in these chapters.  Tolkien doesn’t come right out and SAY that all of the hobbits are sex maniacs, but it’s not difficult at all to read between those lines.  I am not even joking.  I would never steer you wrong, I promise.

What happens in Chapter 19 of The Hobbit?

That’s actually one of my favourite parts.  That’s where Bilbo realizes that he’s in love with Thorin (and has been since they left The Shire), but he’s lost his One True Love in The Battle of the Five Armies, and must return to Bag End a sad, lonely hobbit.  It was beautifully written and I cry every time I read it.  I am almost positive they will leave this part out of the final movie, cos stupid Hollywood and it’s inability to understand m/m interspecies love.  [sadface]

I need a song that is appropriate for the first five chapters of The Hobbit.

This one:

What happens in The Hobbit Chapter 10?

Not many people know this, but Tolkien was actually the first to experiment with the (now overdone) day walking sparkly vampire trope.*  In Chapter X (A Warm Welcome), Bilbo, Thorin and Co. have just escaped from the Mirkwood Elves and are floating along in the wine casks.  Bilbo opens them up (heh) to discover that Kili didn’t make it.  No amount of resuscitation will bring him back.  Just as they’re about to give up on him (and, indeed, Bombur is already setting up a funeral pyre [really a barbecue]) he JUMPS UP and is so sparkly that everyone falls on the ground, rolling around and screaming “THE ARKENSTONE!  THE ARKENSTONE!” (except Bilbo, who for some reason is on about being STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! again).

I don’t know, this whole chapter was very strange.

Bilbo’s dinner The Hobbit

Look, I’m not even going to pretend to understand this question.  Why are you asking me what he had for dinner?  I think it was Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

What/who was Beorn in The Hobbit?

Well, he was “a bear” so I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.  [wink]

In The Hobbit why are Bilbo’s buttons important?

In Middle-Earth buttons are for hobbits what clothes are for house elves in Harry Potter.

Symbolic events in chapters 6-10 of The Hobbit

Just the TITLE of Chapter VI is symbolic.  Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire is foreshadowing for Bombur’s eventual attempts to eat Kili.  See the previous answer for more information.

What is the overall theme of The Hobbit?

I’d say it’s a combination of Overcoming Adversity and Crime Doesn’t Pay.

And there you go!  I hope I’ve been the most helpful, and that those of you that have already been caught for copying my posts to turn into your teachers weren’t expelled or flunked or anything like that.  I really like helping you young people out.  Make sure to come back and let me know how you did!

*too far?