From a discussion I had with Heather L.
My world is sometimes a lonely place. I get asked all the time why I can’t just LET. THINGS. GO. especially when it has something to do with an adaptation of a book I loved.
But I can’t. My brain won’t let me.
I’ve already made a list of film adaptations I don’t hate and actually kind of like, so I figure it’s time to lay into the films that make me the angriest.
Ready?
[adjusts rantypants]
Let’s do this.
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)I thought maybe I was exaggerating my feelings about this movie, having only watched it when it was in theatres, but our recent viewing for #DrunkHP decided me. I. Hate. This. Movie. For many reasons, really, but the worst offense is the BURNING DOWN OF THE BURROW. It served no purpose and was worthless because, oh – everything’s fine for the wedding in Deathly Hallows! Ugh.
******** - The Golden Compass (2007)
You guys? This one makes me really sad AND angry. When these books came out, I was so impressed at how dark and world-weary they were, especially for young adult fiction. They didn’t play the “look, everything is going to be okay all the time because everything works out for everyone!” line that you see so often. Lyra Silvertongue was a goddamn hero. Kids died (or worse than died). IOREK BYRNISON. Things were grim. And…well, the end. Which I dare anyone to read without crying. So, anyway, I was really excited about this movie. I said something to my husband along the lines of “AWWWW, YESSSSSSSSSS, PANSERBJØRNE FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!”…and then we finished watching and he said “Wait, did we watch the same thing?” Then he saw that I was so angry I was ready to cry. This movie was watered down to the point that it’s not even recognizable. Afraid of alienating the fundies AND the atheists? MAKE A MOVIE NO ONE WILL LIKE! Hey, a kid is separated from his dæmon? NO BIG! It’s not like it’s the most horrifying thing anyone can conceive of. Or…at least not if you’re in the movie. Double Ugh. I’m ready to cry all over again. (Oh, and Nicole Kidman? COME ON. She makes EVERYTHING worse!)
******** - Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003) I’ve done so much ranting about these movies…pretty much everywhere on this blog…that I don’t know how much more I can say about them. I could have included the first movie of The Hobbit trilogy, but I’m waiting until they’re all out to decide if they’re worse than LotR. I’ve decided that Peter Jackson reads my blog and is now making these movies out of spite. For some reason I have an easier time handling these travesties if I think he did it on purpose to piss me off. Neveryoumind the timing. I can respect a little trolling.
******** - Romeo+Juliet (1996) True story – this movie got me kicked out of the theatre. My hatred could stem from my intense loathing of anything Leonardo DiCaprio, but that’s not the only thing I hate about it. THE END! The end where Juliet wakes up BEFORE Romeo’s dead, and they both get that “Oh, HOLY SHIT!” look on their faces. UGH. Like the ending wasn’t tragic enough. Let’s play this shit up for laughs and comedic timing, yeah?
******** - Blade Runner (1982) I know, I know. I KNOW, OKAY? And the truth is, I used to love this movie. It was one of the first sf films I ever loved, which is why it makes me so sad that watching it now basically makes me sick to my stomach. Possibly because the movie has now become such an integral part of geek culture that the movie has replaced the book? No one talks about Mercerism, cos it wasn’t in the movie. Instead people want to talk about whether or not Deckard was an android (or, um…replicant, which isn’t used in the book at all). Hint: HE. WAS. NOT. It’s NEVER EVEN HINTED AT. The whole unicorn scene that was added back in for the Director’s Cut? BARF, NO. Also, Pris and Rachel were the same model-type – just so you know. There was no need for Daryl Hannah to even be in the damn thing.
Dishonourable Mentions:
The Secret of NIMH (which I loved as a kid…before I read the book)
The Neverending Story (see previous note, although sometimes I can still watch this through kid-lenses)
Queen of the Damned (but I already wrote about that here)
What would you have picked? Who wants to try to change my mind?
