Review Haiku for Those with Short Attention Spans

I have been slaaaaaaaaaaacking on reviewing again, sorry about that.  Too many books (106 so far this year!) and if I reviewed them all, I’d have no time to read. SO!  You get a bunch of review haiku, this time without mini-reviews.  Because I’m feeling super lazy tonight.  SORRY!

Etgar Keret’s The Nimrod Flipout

Shortest shorts of all
Stories, I mean – not Nair legs
Fun funny sad weird

Philip K Dick’s In Milton Lumky Territory

PKD litfic
No aliens or mindfucks
ZEE OH EM GEE, RIGHT?

Harambee K Grey-Sun’s Broken Angels

Blah blah blah blah STOP
I actually rage quit
This book was so bad

Kim Harrison’s Ever After

It’s too late now, but
I’m going down with my ship
(Hint: It isn’t Trent)

Dakota Cassidy’s Accidentally Dead

Nine of ten women
Agreed that the word “vulva”
Does not get them hot.

Charlaine Harris’ Dead Ever After

You’re right, Ms Harris -
We all NEEDED to know what
Sookie had for lunch.

…aaaaaaaaaand, that’s all I can see unreviewed that I wasn’t planning on talking about in more depth at some point.

Don’t forget that the Order of the Phoenix drinkalong is coming up on Friday – Same BatTime, Same BatHashtag!  See you then!

“…just as they came for her when she was a little girl shivering in her bed.”

We had this storm on Friday.  A storm that didn’t really seem like a big deal at our house, it rained pretty much constantly but it was never a very hard rain.  We still lost our power that evening, and it was out until the following morning.  The drinkalong was scheduled for that night (which I ended up doing in the dark, watching until my laptop battery was dead), but I had plenty of time to do…nothing.

The kids all went to bed early, cos it was dark and there was nothing to occupy their time.  Husband spent most of the night playing with various apps on his phone and I was just happy I’d remembered to fully charge my reader before I went to take a nap (a nap that was interrupted by the power going out – SO RUDE!).

Anyway, I had plenty of options for what to read, cos I’d just added a ton of books but I decided to finish the novella I’d started that afternoon – Tim Curran’s Worm.

Was it the best idea to read about giant carnivorous toilet/sewer worms invading a neighbourhood while sitting in the dark with a bottle of wine?  Probably not.  Or maybe it was.

There were all these noises going on outside (we later found out those noises were the neighbour’s trees falling over), which heightened my enjoyment of the story.

Because, really?  There’s only so much you can do with giant worms that hasn’t already been done by Tremors, amirite?

And that’s kind of what you get with Worm.  It’s a grossout version of Tremors, and I say that in the most loving way possible.

It’s ostensibly a horror novella, but it’s really more of a gorefest.  I didn’t get many of the jump-out-of-my-pants-cos-that-was-so-scary moments, but I did get quite a few husband-asking-why-I’m-sitting-here-gagging moments.

I didn’t think I’d enjoy it much at the beginning, because the first character we meet is such an asshole, but once I got past him, things picked up.  The characters are fleshed out well, despite how short this story is (114 pages on my Nook), and I would have read a full length novel about any one of them.

As with most horror, it’s fairly predictable, but that’s kind of a bonus here.  You know it’s going to follow a specific formula, all you’re really left wondering is if it will be done well.  And it is.

If you’re looking for something that’ll make you laugh and want to puke at the same time, this is probably the book for you.  Well-written, fairly well edited (this is an ARC provided by DarkFuse and I only noticed a few minor copy errors) and…well, a lot of fun.

Read it in the dark.

Oh, and my husband took this photo of the storm aftermath.  This is what was going on outside while I was reading about giant worms coming up from the sewers.

Announcements! And a Special Bonus Treat.

Another Harry Potter Drinkalong!

Please join us this Friday, April 19 at 10:15pm EDT for the Chamber of Secrets drinkalong.  Jeremy has asked that I add extra rules so that he can forget he’s watched the movie, and I’ve had my mega-HP-geek friends on the case.  There’ll be a lot of fun, and maybe some alcohol poisoning (just kidding [hopefully]).  Hope to see you there!

~o~

In other SUPER EXCITING NEWS I’m really happy to tell you all that we’ll be adding a few new Snobs to our ranks.  You likely know them already, but starting next week both Amy of Lucy’s Football and Heather of Becoming Cliche will be reading and reviewing here occasionally.

I am THE MOST EXCITED about this, and think you’ll all love them and their bookish writing just as much as I do.  You may have already read Amy’s litfic reviews over at Insatiable Booksluts, but here she’ll be primarily talking about the genre stuff she reads – including her reactions to books she’s read on my recommendation.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  Even if it doesn’t, I expect you all to pretend that it does.

Heather currently has no real outlet for her thoughts on books, her blog (if you aren’t already reading her blog, there’s something wrong with you) focuses on her life as a writer/mommy/zoo volunteer, and I offered her a place to talk about the books she reads.  They may not always fit into the genre slots I typically wedge myself into, but they’ll always be worth reading.

Give them all a welcome in the form of cash, prizes, gifs or just kind words, yeah?

~o~

Finally, if you’re not following me on twitter, you may have missed me talking about how my oldest son watched The Hobbit yesterday.  He’s just now reading the book for the first time (himself, I read it to him when he was wee, but I don’t think he remembers it).

I was SO EXCITED because he was pointing out things that bothered him ALL ON HIS OWN.  I didn’t even have to coach him!  I asked him if he wanted to record a video rant for you guys and he did.  But it was 38 minutes long and since I can’t receive texts at my house unless I’m super lucky, I can’t verify my YouTube account until I LEAVE THE HOUSE (meaning, drive 6 miles away) to be able to upload it.  I had him record a shorter rant, but it’s still 12 minutes long.  If you’d like to watch my mini-me (who is now taller than me – he’ll probably be 6′ by the time he’s 14 this summer) talk about the things Peter Jackson did that bothered him, you can do so by clicking here.

My kid rules.

~o~

…and that’s all I have for today.  Hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday!

Trashy Tuesday – Bad Marie

Whaaaaa?  Trashy Tuesday is back?

Well, kind of.

I’ve missed writing these posts, but I haven’t necessarily missed reading the books I generally use for it, so…I don’t know.

Today’s TT feature is different from some of those in the past.  Different because I actually really liked this book.  This is, like, classy trash, I guess (can I pack more commas in a sentence, geez).

If you’re not familiar with Trashy Tuesday, you can click that thing up there under the header that says What Is Trashy Tuesday?…although maybe you shouldn’t cos I need to revamp that ish.  NEVER MIND.

First time at the Trashy Tuesday Rodeo?  You need to know that it’s about to get all spoilery up in here.  I’m warning you right now.  If you don’t want to read me snarking on this book IN GREAT DETAIL, you should probably just move on, ‘kay?

ALL RIGHT!

So, Bad Marie.

You kind of hate Marie from the very first page.  She is already drinking, and passes out in the tub with the little girl she’s babysitting, and wakes up to find her employers standing in the doorway.

Don’t let the cover fool you. Marie doesn’t smoke.

Marie just turned 30, and also just got out of a 6 year stint in prison.  She was convicted of aiding and abetting a murder, even though she didn’t know any of it happened until after the fact.  While in prison, the bank-robbing-someone-murdering love of her life hung himself, so when she got out she decided to go visit her childhood frenemy.  Which doesn’t really make any sense, but you just have to GO WITH IT, okay?

Ellen, the rich-girl-next-door-who-always-pitied-poor-little-Marie, offers Marie a job as a live-in nanny for her two year old.

Because that’s smart, right?  Like, LET’S OFFER THE CONVICTED FELON A BED IN OUR HOUSE AND LET HER HANG OUT WITH OUR TODDLER ALL DAY!  Jesus.  I swear, sometimes stupid people deserve what they get.

“Oh, sj!  WHAT DID SHE GET?!”

WELL!  I mean, it’s fairly obvious from the title, right?  Marie is BAAAAAAAAAAD.  When she is awakened from her tub nap by Ellen and Ellen’s sexy French husband (who just happens to have written Marie’s FAVOURITE book, one that she discovered in prison and has read over and over and over [and she took the prison library copy with her when she LEFT prison {I KNOW!  STEALING FROM THE LIBRARY, MARIE?!}]), Marie notices that the husband is totes checking her out, and she goes out of her way to let him see the goods.

The next day, Ellen takes Marie out to her favourite restaurant for dinner, to tell her that she’s fucking fired.  Well, she doesn’t SAY that, but she goes on and on about how she never really liked Marie when they were kids, that they were only friends cos her dad had died and her mom was poor and she didn’t even know why she felt like she’d owed her this job.  I felt like Ellen was finally getting a clue, but then she tells Marie that she’ll still give her money to find a place AND that she can stay until they find a new nanny?

WHAT.  THE.  HELL.  ELLEN?!

It’s like you’re ASKING for bad shit to happen to you!

Because it does.

Benoit (the sexy French husband) OF COURSE comes home early the next day.  He, Marie and Caitlin ALL GET IN THE BATH TOGETHER (I’m sorry, I have 4 kids – I’m totally aware that my children would not allow this to happen at two and a half) and once Caitlin goes down for her nap, Benoit and Marie get down in Ellen’s bed.

He spends the entire week schtupping the nanny, until Ellen comes home and tells Marie that tomorrow is her last day – oh, and here’s five hundred dollars.

Well, what ever could happen next?

Did you guess that Marie and Benoit abscond with the kid?  That they go on the run to Paris?  I’m sure you didn’t because who could have seen that coming?

Here’s something else you didn’t see coming:  On the plane to France, this famous French actress that Benoit used to fuck is sitting in the seat RIGHT BEHIND THEM!  AND SHE INVITES THEM ALL TO STAY WITH HER!  Apparently the famous French actress (from now on referred to as FFA) used to be BFFs with Benoit and his (now) dead sister, Nathalie.  Nathalie who looked DISCONCERTINGLY like Marie.

♫Nearly identical…not-related-at-all-people...♪

So now we have this whole weird thing where Benoit is doing this woman who looks just like his dead sister, and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all.  He and Marie have quiet booty in the FFA’s apartment, but the next day, Marie wakes up to find the FFA SITTING IN THEIR ROOM WATCHING THEM SLEEP!  And she starts calling Marie names in French, which Marie assumes mean things like “slut” and “whore,” and one of my favourite lines in the book occurs then:

Marie did not know the word, but she understood what it meant:  whore, slut, something hateful.  Marie thought that women didn’t get to call other women whores or sluts anymore.

This is where things get weird, cos Benoit wakes up and tells FFA to GET OUT OF THEIR ROOM! And she screams BUT IT’S MY HOUSE, THIS IS MY ROOM, YOU GET OUT! So Benoit goes to try to shove her out of the room and she’s beating on his chest and calling him names and asking him if he understands…and then suddenly they’re kissing and the FFA is giving Benoit a handjob RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MARIE.

MARIE DOESN’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM THE MAN SHE STOLE FROM HER BEST FRENEMY!  So she TAKES OFF WITH THE KID!  And they’re wandering around Paris, decide to get breakfast, and Benoit comes running up.  He’s all disheveled (probably cos he hastily got dressed after bonking FFA and realizing that Marie had run out with his daughter) and is super sorry, but tells her that she doesn’t understand his history with FFA cos it’s COMPLICATED.

So they spend the day in Paris.  Taking a boat down the Seine so that Caitlin will stop complaining about her feet and then taking public transportation to Benoit’s grandmother’s apartment.  While on the boat, Benoit admits that he DID NOT WRITE the book that Marie loves so much.  It was a hidden manuscript he found after his sister killed herself.  He needed money, so he passed it off as his own.

[sigh]

They arrive at the squalid apartment his grandmother owns, only dear grand-mère has been placed in a Home for quite some time.  Don’t worry, though – he’s had a maid coming in weekly to take care of the place.

…only the maid hasn’t been in quite a while, and they walk in to find rotten food and a cat that hasn’t been fed in so long, she’s lost her front teeth from trying to open the kitty food cans herself.

What.  The.  Fuck.

While they’re there, a neighbour comes knocking, to tell Benoit (who she saw enter the apartment) that the grandmother DIED two days before, and he starts freaking out because he doesn’t want to have to make funeral arrangements, since he can’t use his credit card, or Ellen will track them down.

Then the phone rings.

Imagine she’s putting through the most OMINOUS PHONE CALL EVER.

AND IT’S ELLEN!

So he freaks the fuck out and ditches the neighbour, hustles them into a cab and uses Marie’s severance pay to check them into a cheap hotel.

They realize that they’ve left ALL OF THEIR THINGS at FFA’s house, so he says he’ll just pop on over and grab them – be back in 20 minutes, no sweat.

…but he doesn’t come back.

So Marie does what any rational adult would do, and takes off with his kid.

At first they just walk around Paris, but Caitlin is bummed about all the walking (dude, she’s 2.  My 2y/o would be FREAKING OUT if I tried to make her hold my hand ALL DAY.  I’m amazed at how non-whiny this kid is), so Marie steals a stroller and they head to the train station.

Where they board a train to Nice.

They sit in the only open spot, next to a young man named Eli, who seems put out when Marie doesn’t recognize him (or his name).

Because Marie has just accidentally stumbled upon YET ANOTHER famous actor!  WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

He tells her that he’s borrowing this villa from a producer or some shit and HEY, WHY DON’T YOU COME STAY WITH ME?

Mmmmmhmmmmm.

As Kate would say, brown-chicken-brown-cow…

But not.

Because he takes Marie and Caitlin out to dinner at this super fancy French restaurant, takes them shopping, buys them a bunch of new clothes (cos they have nothing left)…but when Marie expects to put out, he gets cold feet.

Cos, he’s engaged.

And he doesn’t think the actress he’s going to marry would appreciate it if he messed around with someone else.

But…y’know.  BJs aren’t cheating, right?

This is only tangentially related, but I CAN NOT STOP LAUGHING.

So, yeah – the famous actor tries to convince Marie to go down on him, but she stands her ground and tells him that it’s all or nothing.

So nothing happens…until the morning.

When they find out that the PAPARAZZI were at the restaurant last night, and there are photos of Eli staring deep into Marie’s cleavage plastered ALL OVER THE INTERNET.

He tells her to leave.

She sits down for breakfast.

Security enters the room and she’s asked to leave again.

She takes her time eating and steals some shit from the rooms, then buys herself and Caitlin tickets to Mexico.

Cos she thinks she’ll be welcomed by the family of her dead lover (the one who killed himself in prison).  Only occasionally does she feel a twinge for walking off with her former BFFs daughter.  Usually it’s when Caitlin asks where mommy is, but…y’know – Mommy was always at work, so this is easy enough to play off.

They arrive in Mexico, and make their way to the tiny town her deceased lover hailed from.

She doesn’t understand why they aren’t WELCOMING HER, damnit!  Oh, right – it’s cos the last time they saw her was right before their beloved son/uncle/cousin/brother was ARRESTED.  Shortly before HE HUNG HIMSELF IN HIS JAIL CELL.

They basically tell her to GTFO, and some sense of guilt (what, she has feelings?) causes her to give them the last of her cash.  She hates that they’re living in squalor, but she regrets handing over the money as soon as she does it.

She and Caitlin walk along the beach, and Caitlin throws the tantrum I knew was coming the entire book.  You can’t fucking take a two year old on the run.  YOU JUST CAN’T DO IT.  I know this.  I.  KNOW.  THIS.

What’s Marie’s response to the tantrum?

She.  Walks.  Away.

Yup, she just walks away from a toddler.

On the beach.

In Mexico.

…and then she tries to walk off into the ocean, so she can end herself just like the protagonist in her former-favourite book.

Only the water isn’t deep enough and she can’t force herself to stay under.

So she goes back to Caitlin, who’s sitting there digging around in the sand all happy again.  They walk down the beach til they find a resort, which they’re able to check into BECAUSE…

Marie walked out of Eli’s borrowed villa with one of his credit cards tucked in her back pocket!

The clerk gets all giggly cos she totally recognizes his name, and they get the star treatment.

They head upstairs to their suite, and Marie orders some drinks+dinner…then runs a bath.

THE END.

It finishes just like it started, and we’re left to wonder how long it took before someone caught up with her, or whether they even caught up to her at all.

Now, despite EVERYTHING that you’ve read here today…I still really liked this book.  It was well-written, and I’m looking forward to reading more of Marcy Dermansky’s work.  I just don’t know who I’d actually recommend this to.

Dear Blogging Me

sj,

You’ve been letting this whole blogging thing get to you lately.  You’re stressing yourself out and comparing yourself to other bloggers, but that’s not fair.  You’re you.  You’re not them, so why are you allowing yourself to feel down when you see that someone whose content you deem inferior (there you go with your snobbery again) has twice as many followers/comments/views as you?  You really need to knock that shit off.

The people who read your blog read it for what you (you, uniquely) bring to the table.  They don’t expect you to be anyone else, because if they did, they would be reading that other blog and not yours.  Remember last year when Mandy wrote her Blogging Manifesto?  You need something like that to remind you why you’re even here.

To make things simpler for you, I’ve compiled a list of things I hope you’ll keep in mind when you’re frustrated with how you think things are going (plus, we both know you love the shit out of lists).

• Your stats are not indicative of your worth as a blogger, or as a person.  You’ve done so much better lately, I’m proud that you no longer check them as much – but you still freak out when you think you’ve posted something fantastic and you don’t think enough people are reading.  Please stop that.  Just because something resonated with you, doesn’t mean it will push the buttons of everyone else on the planet.  
• You will stop looking down on people who only post the various weekly memes.  Just because it isn’t for you (because you HATE them) doesn’t mean other people don’t think they have worth.  You are not everyone else, and you can just not participate (like you have been for always).  Don’t be tempted to fall into that trap, though – we both know that if you did, it would only be for the sake of page views.  You’re better than that.
• You will stop apologizing for absences/breaks from blogging.  Everyone has shit happen to them in their real lives.  They don’t expect you to be any different.  You do not need to explain, and you really need to work on that apologizing for everything thing that you do, anyway.
• You need to remember the joy you felt when people first started reading and commenting.  Be happy when someone new comments, but don’t be sad when people stop following/commenting.  Not everything is about you.  Maybe they have their own shit going on.  The previous point?  It doesn’t just apply to you.
• Stop making everything the end of the world.  Seriously.  It’s annoying and you know you hate when you do that.
• You will STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO EVERYONE ELSE.  Dude.  Even I’m starting to get pissed off at you about this one.  Knock it off.  You’re coming across like a whiny asshole.  Stop it.
• You don’t have to review everything you read.  You’re doing better about this one this year, but I know you, and I know you’re still looking at all the things you’ve read so far thinking “I really should try to write about that at some point.”  No.  You don’t.  Stop it.  If you force it, it’s worse than just not writing at all.
• If you find yourself worrying/agonizing about your blog, take a step back.  This is something you need to get better about.  You do this a lot, and you let it get you down.  This is not healthy.  Writing this blog is not your job.  You started this blog for fun (and to get out of NaNoWriMo, but that’s another thing entirely), and when it stops being fun you’re missing the point.   That’s not to say you can’t still write about things that make you angry, just…stop sweating it, okay?  For realsies.

You’re worth reading, but you are worrying too much.  Keep this around to re-read when you’re getting sad/frustrated/annoyed/furious.  No, don’t argue with me, just do it.  But not like Nike, cos you don’t like their shoes anyway.