“I’m dying! I’m dying, look at me! It’s killed me!”

I thought I’d started this post, like, a month ago.  Either I never got around to it (which is HIGHLY LIKELY) or it was deleted through blog chicanery (which I’m not entirely willing to discount).  Regardless, I figured that since we’re watching Prisoner of Azkaban this Friday, I should write this post before I’m all frothy about the movie instead of the book, right?  Right.

I realized when I sat down to compose this tonight (or last night [or last WEEK], depending on when you’re reading) that even though I think I’m the BEST at taking notes when I’m reading, I’m really not.  Because I end up highlighting things without making notes for myself or making notes that really don’t make any sense a month later, since I’m no longer in the same state I was when I originally wrote them.

That makes this post difficult to write.  LUCKILY I have a rum-based cocktail sitting next to me, and a willingness to not make a whole lot of sense/piss people off with half-thought out rantings.

For a long time, Prisoner of Azkaban was my favourite Harry Potter book.  I liked the first one, was kind of annoyed by the second one, then this one BLEW ME THE SNAPE AWAY!

Unfortunately it was followed by GoF, but I’ll be talking about that when I get there.

I was kind of worried about re-reading it this time cos I’ve been noticing all the little things that make me want to smack things during this re-read, but there was little that I found crotch punch worthy in this one.  In fact, there was a lot that I found just as delightful as I did the first time I read it (and the 20 subsequent reads [don't you judge me]).

Things I looooooooove:

• That bit up there in the title.  TAKE THAT, MALFOY!
  
  
• “Potter, you can skin Malfoy’s shrivelfig.”  TOTALLY A EUPHEMISM!  Now I know where the Draco/Harry shippers were coming from.
• Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.  Not gonna lie, guys.  I’ve read more than my share of WolfStar fanfic.  …and now I’ve mentioned slash twice as my reasons for liking this book.  LET’S MOVE ON!
• There’s a good deal of mystery and just general decent worldbuilding that goes on in this one.
• Oh, and this:
  
• This book gave us the opportunity to make this:

Now that I’ve reached my gif limit for the WHOLE YEAR, I get to rant about some of the things that REALLY REALLY BUG ME.

1. Dementors.  Specifically, how they speak.  Their mouths are “gaping shapeless holes” and they don’t seem to have a way to talk, so how are they notifying Fudge that Sirius is talking in his sleep?  And how does Dumbledore know that they’re all pissed at him for not letting them onto the grounds?  This is very strange to me and I find it bothersome.
2. WHY THE HELL WOULD FUDGE AND HAGRID AND MINERVA ALL TALK TO ROSMERTA LIKE THERE WERE NO KIDS PRESENT?!  And after 12 years, how is this gossip still juicy?  Surely people knew all about Sirius Black being their secret keeper?HOW IS THIS NEWS?!
3. Draco doesn’t speak.  He drawls. Everything.  I associate a drawl with people from the US South, so this led to some interesting scenes in my head.
4. Crookshanks placed the order for the Firebolt for Sirius.  He used Harry’s name, but had them “take the gold from Gringotts vault number seven hundred and eleven -” which is his own vault.  HOW DID NO ONE NOTICE DRAWS ON THE ACCOUNT OF A FUGITIVE?  And why weren’t his assets frozen or whatever while he was in Azkaban?  Em?  Can you help with this one?
5. The night of the End of Year Feast, we learn how many NEWTs Percy got and that Fred and George “scraped a handful of OWLs each.”  Why, then, are our trio forced to wait until the summer after their fifth year before they found out how they did on their OWLs?

[sigh]

…but whatever, you know?  I still think this book is pretty great, and even though I can’t think about the above things too much (or the fact that its implied that medieval wizards and witches allowed muggles to be burnt at the stake, while saving themselves) because they make me more than slightly ragey – I will read this one again without TOO MUCH eyerolling.

Bring on Goblet of Fire.

“Really? Were there escapators?”

Dude.  I know.  My post about PS/SS was…shit, January third?…um, okay.  So, my post about PS/SS was almost three months ago, and I feel like a total slacker.  BUT, this IS Year of Reading Whatever the Fuck I Want, so if I want to wait THREE MONTHS between reading these books I damn well can.

I re-read Chamber of Secrets this week.  And…I’m not gonna lie.  I enjoyed it a whole lot less than I remember enjoying it the last time (which I think was in 2010, so…), and now I’m totally concerned.  Like, GoF has ALWAYS been my least favourite of the Harry Potter books.  Always.  What if I enjoy it this time?  What if I hate HBP upon re-reading it this year?

WHAT THEN?!

Anyway, yeah.  I did not like this book so much this time around .  Really?  I spent a lot of the time I was reading huffing and sighing.  Because this is supposed to be the book that offers that “A HA!” moment upon re-reading.  Y’know, when you re-read and you get to give the knowing wink and nod cos you totally get that the diary is a horcrux and ZOMG HARRY HAS SOME OF VOLDEMORT INSIDE OF HIM SO HE’S TOTALLY A HORCRUX TOO!!!!  Right?  That’s how you’re supposed to feel upon re-reading CoS.

If you’re a normal person.

Or…not me.  Because while I DID THOSE THINGS, I also spent much of the book reading with a distinct “I am not impressed” look on my face.

What?  You don’t believe me?  Fine.  I had my 6y/o take this picture because I knew you wouldn’t.

Here are some of the many, MANY things that bothered me during this re-read:

• Petunia tried to hit Harry in the HEAD with a fucking FRYING PAN.
• Harry thinks that Draco makes Dudley seem “kind, thoughtful and sensitive.”  REALLY?!  Dude.  You’ve known Draco for NOT EVEN A YEAR.  In that year he’s ratted you and your friends (read:  Hagrid, who is really an irresponsible douchebalrog and nothing you can say will sway me from this opinion) out, tried to steal your not-really-a-friend’s Remembrall, and just been kind of an 11y/o punk.  WHICH HE IS.  On the other hand, you’ve got Dudley who has tormented you with his bully friends for TEN YEARS, but…y’know…no big, right?  Ugh.
• Arthur Weasley shares his office with an “old warlock called Perkins” and Celestina Warbeck is a “singing sorceress.”  MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO CALL THEM.  If they’re witches and wizards, FINE.  But don’t go slipping in warlocks, sorceresses (where are the sorcerERs, btw?), hags and whatever the fuck else without offering some explanation.  Are they all the same?  Are they not?  I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T BOTHER EXPLAINING THAT SHIT.
• Molly Weasley “conjures” a feast.  That’s in direct violation of the Exceptions to Gamp’s Laws of Elemental Transfiguration.  Maybe she didn’t actually conjure it up, but then you’re losing us with the laws you try to set up in later books.
• Ron uses magic to open the trunk of the Ford at KC.  Where the hell is Mafalda Hopkirk?  Why wasn’t anyone notified then?  WHAT GOOD IS THE TRACE IF NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION?!
• Gilderoy Fucking Lockhart.  Listen, I have so many problems with this character, it’s not even funny.  Or, maybe it’s kind of funny, I don’t really know.  I’m dropping the bullet points cos I have to move to numbers JUST FOR LOCKHART.  Sad, yeah?

1. How old is he?  If you buy the movies as canon (which I kind of don’t, but for the purposes of this post, we’ll accept them, ‘kay?), there’s that scene in his office where we see that picture of him in his Ravenclaw gear.
   (sidenote:  A RAVENCLAW?!  MERLIN’S PANTS, WE’RE JUST LETTING ANYONE IN NOW?!)
   

   We’re supposed to buy Kenny as under 17? Excuse me while I die laughing.

   This means he was a student at Hogwarts, and without KNOWING his age, we know that he’s young enough to have been there while Dumbles and Minerva were working there.  PROBABLY around the age of the Marauders, right?  And yet – no one seems to remember him from his school days?  WHAT THE HELL?!

2. He’s completely incompetent and I KNOW that Hagrid tells us he was the on’y one that applied for the job, but FFS.  Dude can’t even handle some Cornish Pixies, he leaves them to his second year students to take care of.  This is ridiculous, and they should have just left the post UNFILLED instead of letting this asshole teach children.
3. Guys.  Guys.  He is RESPLENDENT.  Now, I love the word resplendent as much as the next person, but you know what it always makes me think of?  That episode of King of the Hill (season 7, ep 23 – Witches of East Arlen) where Bobby starts learning MAGICK from David Cross?  Yeah, that.
   

   Yes. This.

   GILDEROY LOCKHART IS TOTALLY DAVID CROSS!  How did I never see this before?!

• I’m done with Lockhart for now, but now I need to talk about something else.  Right before Hallowe’en, everyone is getting sick with colds and we learn that Poppy Pomfrey has a Pepperup Potion that takes care of that virus lickety split (sidenote: how much does it suck to NOT GET A DAY OFF FOR A COLD?).  BUT THEN Filch gets all pissy cos he’s got the flu.  THE FLU.  Why is Poppy able to take care of the cold but not the flu?  I was talking about this with Em the other night and she suggested that maybe potions don’t work on squibs?  It’s an interesting theory, but I don’t understand why potions work on muggles, but not squibs?  This is totally sloppy.
• I’m also a bit annoyed that Filch gets angry about the mud Harry has tracked all over the floors.  If you have magical boarding school, why would you hire someone who CAN’T DO MAGIC to be your caretaker?  Filch has to do all this shit by hand, while watching everyone around him clean up spills and shit with their wands.  I’d be in the worst mood ever all the time, too!
• Why does Dumbles open the back of Colin’s camera to see if he took a picture of his attacker?  If you’re going to use a camera with film, even if you have magic, why would you RUIN THE FILM BY OPENING IT IN AN OPEN AND LIT ROOM?!  Bah.

Now that I’ve spent the last 1000 words ranting, I feel like I’ve given the impression that I hate this book.

But I don’t.  I still succumb to the magic of Harry Potter, just like I always have.  I’m just reading semi-objectively for the first time.

Some things I love:

• Borgin wears a pince-nez!  Heeeee!  This tickles me.
• The Valentine delivering cupids.  Especially the one that “twang[s] his harp in a threatening sort of way.”
• When Hagrid gets taken to Azkaban as a PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.  Plus, my husband makes me laugh every time I mention Harry Potter by saying “NOT AZKABAN PRIZZAN!”
• Fred and George, always.  And Lee Jordan.
• The fact that there’s little Quidditch.
• We learn that the Weasley’s live outside of Ottery St Catchpole, and later that Hermione’s patronus takes the form of an otter.  AWWWW, TWOO WUV!
• FAWKES!
  

…and now I think I’ve rambled on long enough.  Thanks for sticking with me.  Which is your least favourite Harry Potter novel?  Is it this one?  Is it for the reasons I’ve outlined, or something I missed?

It’s good to have a turn to be a king for a day…

 …or for a week or for a year or for a year and a day.

So, a year ago today Heather was putting on the pressure.  For, like, the 20th time, she was emailing me about participating in NaNo.  Even though it was already 11 days into the month she was all “JUST SIGN UP!  We will write together and it WILL BE FUN!”

Okay, maybe I’m taking some liberty with her words.  I’m sure I still have the emails in my inbox (because I’m an email hoarder and I never delete ANYTHING) but I’m way too lazy to go digging for them.  You have no idea how many emails Heather and I have sent each other in the last year, and we can just keep it that way, thank you very much.

But I digress.

A year ago today I was trying to come up with some way to get Heather off my back.  I really didn’t want to do NaNoWriMo, and I had no really valid reason not to.  Heather has only one less kid than I do, plus she’s got that whole job at the zoo thing going on, and all I was really doing at the time was moderating a game forum.

That night, I thought of something else she’d been bugging me to do.  Blog.  I’d been putting that off, too.  ”I have no idea what I’d write about!”

“Books.  You’d rant about books like you always do in chat.  You’re funny.  People will read it.”

So the next morning I secured booksnobbery at wordpress for my very own.  I had other names at first, but they were TAKEN and I never really thought anyone would read this stuff, so I didn’t think there would ever be a chance for people to get upset at the name.

My first post was this Harry Potter Rant (which I meant to do a series of [but then kind of forgot about until JUST THIS MINUTE AS I TYPE THIS], which is why it’s called THE FIRST, dur).  The beginning doesn’t make much sense because I was already referring to my About page (which has since kind of changed, because at the time all it said was “I hate everything, except books.  And music.  Sometimes I hate those too.”) and I don’t know why I thought referring to something people wouldn’t have read first was a good idea?  As of this writing, that post has had 51 views.  Which is a little less than 1 view a week, and that’s how I’m choosing to think about it, so don’t take that away from me.

Heather pimped me out on twitter and I had, like THREE FOLLOWERS the first day.  ZOMG, so exciting, right?

But then the only people to read my next few posts were Heather, Em and Meg and while that was nice that they were reading, I wasn’t entirely sure about whether I wanted to keep doing it.

I kind of thrive on feedback and approval.  If this isn’t something you know about me, we haven’t known each other long enough.

SO THEN!

Then I got the not so brilliant idea to start Trashy Tuesdays.  The first Trashy Tuesday post was Zombies vs Unicorns, and I’m not going to lie and say that it was a huge success right off the bat because it wasn’t.  I mean, it kind of was, but that post still has less than 100 views.  Listen to me, acting like 100 views on a post is nothing.  It’s not, don’t think that.  The majority of my posts are still under 100, so – even though we’ve come a long way, it’s not like we’re big time or anything.

Trashy Tuesday was fun for a while, but zomg, it was so tiring.  My first post to break 100 views was a Trashy Tuesday (the one for Clan of the Cave Bear) and I know you’re all probably like “WHAT THE SNAPE, SJ?!  WHERE’S TRASHY TUESDAY NOW?” but I stopped doing them on the regular back in April.  I’ve read some trashy books since then, but they’re best when Megiggles is around to do illustrations (don’t even lie and tell me they’re not cos I’ll call you out for being a Liey McLiarson) and since she’s kind of super busy and junk, it’s not as much fun.

MOVING ON.  Trashy Tuesdays brought about the Dodisharkicorn.  Dude.  Dodisharkicorn is pretty much (other than my kids) the thing I’m proudest of creating.  I didn’t do it by myself, though.  Nope, that was Megiggles and I both.  She joined the blog as a contributor in the spring (I know, she doesn’t post much BUT SHE IS SO BUSY and she still totally draws things for me when I ask nicely) even though she started drawing things for me long before that.

Also, there are still some links on here from when Meg had her own blog.  Please ignore those, she deleted it when she was only being visited by me and Russian Pr0nbots.

Holy hell, this has become much longer than I intended.

Okay.  So.  Things I never thought would happen with my blog.

• That people would actually read.  As of this moment, WordPress says there are over 500 followers, but that’s a lie, because a lot of those are twitter.  Whatever.  I have close to 300 ACTUAL BLOG FOLLOWERS and while they may not read every day, that’s way more than the 10 I thought I’d end up with.
• That I’d become friends with some of my favourite people ever.  Before I started this blog I did not know Amy or Susie or Mandy or Heather…um, I’m drinking right now so I’m terrible with coming up with other people I didn’t know before.  I DIDN’T KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE, OKAY?  But now I know a ton of you and I read your blogs and goof around with you on twitter, and you guys are so completely effing awesome, it makes me smile just to think about it.
• That people would want me to write stuff for them.  I’ve guest posted for Shouty Men in Shiny Armour and Angelique at Sappho’s Torque and I’m an actual contributor for Insatiable Booksluts and I have more books specifically for review than I could have dreamed of a year ago.
• THAT WE WOULD HAVE ACTUAL FANS!  No, not just any fans.  Fans that would CREATE THEIR OWN DODISHARKICORNS AND BUY DODISHARKICORN STUFF!  (um, if you want your own Dodisharkicorn stuff, there are links in the sidebar and once enough people buy things that there is any money to do anything with, we want to host giveaways and junk)

So, that’s how I’m ending this post.  There’s some really cool Dodisharkicorn stuff out there, and it makes me smile just to think about it.  That’s the best part of this year.  You all rule.  Thank you.

Dodisharkicorn by Art

Dodisharkicorn EATING Art

Cut Paper Dodisharkicorn by Nikki

Dodisharkicorn Gets Political by Nicole

Em calls this the Puffinarwacorn, it’s the Lisa Frank version of Dodisharkicorn

Kate takes Dodi to work with her EVERY DAY!

Aw, Angelique takes Dodisharkicorn to the gym!

Okay, so – that’s really all I have.  Thanks to every single one of you that has read, commented, liked or shared over the last year.  I appreciate you all and I’m so glad to know you.

<3 <3 <3

30 Day Book Challenge: Day 26

I know some of you have expressed surprise that I haven’t talked about Harry Potter yet, and the challenge is almost over.  That’s because I was saving it for today!

A Book I Wish Would Be Written

It’s not even so much that I wish there would be another Harry Potter novel (although I must admit a large part of me wishes it to be so), but I’d like Jo to write SOMETHING else set in this world.

I honestly don’t care if it’s the story of the Marauders at Hogwarts, or of the first war, or more background on Voldemort, or Dumbledore’s battle with Gellert Grindelwald (and more of their youthful love affair friendship), or of the founders of Hogwarts or more after our original friends graduated – like, what happened between the end of Deathly Hallows and that epilogue that I am still not entirely happy with.

Sidenote:  There was this fanfic (which is now gone, along with my beloved diagonally.org) regarding what happened to the Dursleys after they left Harry at the beginning of DH, including Harry meeting Dudley on that platform sending one of HIS children off to Hogwarts in the epilogue.

I prefer to think of that as the true ending because it gives me warm fuzzies, and it’s become part of my own personal canon.

Really, I’d be happy with just about anything that continued on, even if it wasn’t characters we already know…as long as it’s not Hagrid.  I hate Hagrid.

I realize there’s a ton of GOOD fanfic out there, but it’d be nice to have something else official, you know?

Anyway, then there are things like this that make my heart beat a little faster and cause me to become slightly short of breath.

Shut up.

Also, bonus picture of me on my way to the DH release party wearing my homemade Weird Sisters tee shirt.

I wish the image quality was better, but it was taken with a crappy camera phone five years ago.  Cut me some slack.

ALSO – don’t forget that this Friday is drinkalong day!  Get your beverages ready for Free Drink with CreepShow!

Five Book-to-Movie Adaptations I Don’t Hate

I realize that with all of the drinkalongs and everything, I have been talking much trash about Peter Jackson’s interpretation of Lord of the Rings.  If you’re new here – spoiler alert – I effing hate them.  I’ve talked about why in so many places here, that it’s not even worth digging up all the links.  Sorry.

Anyway, I figured that since everyone can use a little positivity in their lives sometimes, I’m going to create a list for you of books I’ve read whose movies I did not think were complete garbage.  I know, I’m so awesome, right?

1. Fight Club (1999) - Look, as someone who (pardon my language) F*CKING HATES Chuck Palahniuk, it’s quite a coup that I was even able to enjoy a movie based on something he’s written.  This movie contains everything that the book was lacking, and loses all of the ridiculous crap that was unnecessary.  Plus, Edward Norton.  He’s totally dreamy.  Shut up.  Oh, and even if I didn’t think the movie was super spectacular, you know what it did have going for it (besides Eddie)?  A song by my favourite band playing at the end.  I’m willing to forgive a lot for a Pixies reference.
   ***
   
   ***
2. No Country for Old Men (2007) - I am not what one would call a Cormac McCarthy fan.  I’ve read a few of his books, and I like them just fine.  His, um…creative punctuation gets on my nerves, though.  I find it somewhat distracting.  I do like his stories, I just think sometimes his writing style comes across as gimmicky.  Anyway.  This movie.  I AM a Coen Brothers fangirl, and I absolutely adored this movie.  Javier Bardem is amazing as the sociopath Anton Chigurh and this was the movie that made me realize I should probably stop picturing Josh Brolin as Brand Walsh.
   ***
   
   ***
3. A Scanner Darkly (2006) –   No joke, this is one of my favourite books of all time.  When I heard they were making it a movie with (ugh) rotoscoping and (double ugh) Keanu Reeves, I decided to give it a pass.  Then, last year I met Kate over on subjot (which sadly no longer exists).  We started talking about Philip K Dick almost immediately and she chastised me for having not seen this.  I was still doubtful, but when she said it was the FIRST NOT CRAPPY PKD adaptation, I decided to trust her.  I’m so glad I did.  The rotoscoping is brilliantly done (and I really don’t think they could have done the Scramble Suits any other way) and – yeah, Keanu is kind of perfect to play the drugged out Right-Hand-Has-No-Idea-What-The-Left-Hand-Is-Doing Bob Arctor.  There were some minor quibbles with scripting, but as a whole it’s definitely the strongest adaptation of any of Dick’s work yet.  See it for Rory Cochrane, Woody Harrelson and Robert Downey Jr.  Seriously.
   ***
   
   ***
4. The Godfather (1972)- Back in high school, I was somewhat of a pretentious asshole.  I know, you’re probably all gasping and trying not to faint now, right?  So unlikely!  Anyway, everyone I knew loved the crap out of this movie.  I refused to watch it until I had read the book.  Which I did.  And I did.  not.  care.  for.  So I decided that everyone was effing full of it and STUBBORNLY turned my nose up at the movie.  ”Do not want,” I said.  Fast forward a number of years.  My husband forced me to sit with him and watch.  End credits.  ”When can we watch Part II?” I asked.  LOVED.  IT.  Sad I waited so long to watch it.  (oh, and I think the second movie is even better than the first)
   ***
   
   ***
5. The Princess Bride  (1987)- One of my all-time favourite books AND movies.  I’ve read so many reviews from people that  HATED the book (which I honestly can’t understand) but love the movie.  I think they both perfectly complement each other.  While much of the backstory was lost in the film adaptation, it’s not stuff that is absolutely necessary to understand what’s going on.  I loved the S Morganstern parts of the book, but I think that’s where most book naysayers got lost and decided the movie was preferable.  Anyway, I don’t think I could put one over the other, they’re both pretty damn close to perfect in my eyes.  Also, little sj had a major crush on Cary Elwes.
   ***
   
   ***

Honourable Mentions – American Psycho, Prisoner of Azkaban, Deathly Hallows (parts 1 and 2)

What do you guys think?  Anything I missed?