Dear Little Cheaters Trying to Avoid Reading The Hobbit

Stop it.  Just…stop.

I’ve been blown away by the sheer number of you finding my little piece of the internet by trying to get out of reading one of my favourite books for school.

I do not understand this.

If your search terms are anything to go on, you’re only being asked to read five chapters at a time.  FIVE.  CHAPTERS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  Five chapters of The Hobbit isn’t even 75 pages in most cases!  How hard is it to read 75 pages?!

[ahem]

I am very annoyed with you all, but I’m going to be nice like Amy and try to answer your questions.

The Hobbit first 5 chapters/Summary of chapters 1-5 of The Hobbit/What happens at the beginning of The Hobbit?

WELL!  You wouldn’t think a bit of classic literature would start with descriptions of drunken hobbit orgies, but it totally does.  Some people would say the first few lines are about Bilbo Baggins’ house, but listen.  ”[...]a nasty, dirty, wet hole” is TOTALLY A EUPHEMISM!  You will probably REALLY impress your teachers if you talk about all the subtext we find in these chapters.  Tolkien doesn’t come right out and SAY that all of the hobbits are sex maniacs, but it’s not difficult at all to read between those lines.  I am not even joking.  I would never steer you wrong, I promise.

What happens in Chapter 19 of The Hobbit?

That’s actually one of my favourite parts.  That’s where Bilbo realizes that he’s in love with Thorin (and has been since they left The Shire), but he’s lost his One True Love in The Battle of the Five Armies, and must return to Bag End a sad, lonely hobbit.  It was beautifully written and I cry every time I read it.  I am almost positive they will leave this part out of the final movie, cos stupid Hollywood and it’s inability to understand m/m interspecies love.  [sadface]

I need a song that is appropriate for the first five chapters of The Hobbit.

This one:

What happens in The Hobbit Chapter 10?

Not many people know this, but Tolkien was actually the first to experiment with the (now overdone) day walking sparkly vampire trope.*  In Chapter X (A Warm Welcome), Bilbo, Thorin and Co. have just escaped from the Mirkwood Elves and are floating along in the wine casks.  Bilbo opens them up (heh) to discover that Kili didn’t make it.  No amount of resuscitation will bring him back.  Just as they’re about to give up on him (and, indeed, Bombur is already setting up a funeral pyre [really a barbecue]) he JUMPS UP and is so sparkly that everyone falls on the ground, rolling around and screaming “THE ARKENSTONE!  THE ARKENSTONE!” (except Bilbo, who for some reason is on about being STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! again).

I don’t know, this whole chapter was very strange.

Bilbo’s dinner The Hobbit

Look, I’m not even going to pretend to understand this question.  Why are you asking me what he had for dinner?  I think it was Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

What/who was Beorn in The Hobbit?

Well, he was “a bear” so I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.  [wink]

In The Hobbit why are Bilbo’s buttons important?

In Middle-Earth buttons are for hobbits what clothes are for house elves in Harry Potter.

Symbolic events in chapters 6-10 of The Hobbit

Just the TITLE of Chapter VI is symbolic.  Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire is foreshadowing for Bombur’s eventual attempts to eat Kili.  See the previous answer for more information.

What is the overall theme of The Hobbit?

I’d say it’s a combination of Overcoming Adversity and Crime Doesn’t Pay.

And there you go!  I hope I’ve been the most helpful, and that those of you that have already been caught for copying my posts to turn into your teachers weren’t expelled or flunked or anything like that.  I really like helping you young people out.  Make sure to come back and let me know how you did!

*too far?

“Broomstales and fiddlesticks!”

It’s no surprise to many most any of you that I’m a huge Tolkien fan.  Last year, when I was reading all of the NEW TO ME things, I was so caught up in boosting my page count early on that I neglected to do my annual reading of some of his shorter works for his birthday, which was January 3rd.  I wasn’t about to let the same thing happen two years in a row, though.

In my oh-so-very-humble opinion, these tiny little books are the perfect thing to read to honour one of my favourite authors on his birthday.

~o~

First up was Farmer Giles of Ham, which pretty much epitomizes everything I love about Tolkien.  We get a winking narrator, similar to the narrator of The Hobbit; there’s a hand-drawn map; it’s full of humour and little philological jokes and asides; best of all, it does what he set out to do with The Silmarillion, in creating a new mythology for England.

Farmer Giles of Ham is not an entirely new story.  If you’ve read The Valiant/Brave Little Tailor (or, heck, even seen the 1938 cartoon featuring Mickey Mouse) you’ll find the basic premise of this fable exceedingly familiar, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still a good time.

Tolkien sets up this fantastical version of medieval England immediately, letting you know that it’s almost (but not quite) entirely like the England we know today/knew of then.

Ægidius de Hammo was a man who lived in the midmost parts of the Island of Britain. In full his name was Ægidius Ahenobarbus Julius Agricola de Hammo; for people were richly endowed with names in those days, now long ago, when this island was still happily divided into many kingdoms. There was more time then, and folk were fewer, so that most men were distinguished. However, those days are now over, so I will in what follows give the man his name shortly, and in the vulgar form: he was Farmer Giles of Ham, and he had a red beard.

I remember first picking this book up off the school library shelf when I was in the 6th grade, and marveling that I was the first person to check it out in more than 15 years (we had those cards in the books that you signed and stamped).  I fell in love with it from that first paragraph up there, and was shocked that no one else seemed to be interested in it.

Even now, checking out the goodreads page for it shows me that it’s still relatively unknown/unread, which is a shame.  Yes, it’s short and it’s not set in Middle-Earth, but if you’re at all a fan of Tolkien’s style (especially if you loved The Hobbit) I think you owe it to yourself to spend an hour or two with this book.

Oh, and I said there was a map, didn’t I?

I love the face on the compass.

~o~

The Adventures of Tom Bombadil is even shorter than Farmer Giles of Ham, but instead of prose it’s a slim little book of poetry.  The first two poems are indeed about our old pal Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo.  In the first we learn a bit of his history with Old Man Willow and in the second, he attends a party with our other old friend Farmer Maggot.

Also included are a silly little poem about the man in the moon coming down for an evening of drunken revelry, the poem about oliphaunts that Samwise recited for Gollum in The Two Towers, and a heartbreaking little poem about Firiel the elf declining a spot on the last ship to the Grey Havens.

There are (obviously) others, as well, but these are the few that have always remained firmly in my mind when I think of this book.

If you weren’t into the poems and songs in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, you probably won’t enjoy this book either.  If you loved them, though, you’ll love this too.

~o~

My final stop on the Tolkien Short Fiction Birthday Extravaganza was Smith of Wootton Major.  This faerie tale (which is exactly what it is) is best if read in conjunction with the essay On Fairy Stories.  It doesn’t really matter what order you read them in, but if you read the story first, you might be tempted to go back and read it again once you’re done with the essay…just so you can see that Tolkien hit every single note mentioned when he talks about the elements necessary for a good/real faerie tale.

(Amy, this is one I think you’d like especially.)

It is very short, to tell you much about it would spoil it for you and I only spoil things I think you shouldn’t have to read, remember?

In the manner of all good faerie stories, the prose is spare and the plot is swift.  It doesn’t take long for you to love some characters and shake your fist at others.  There is a little surprise at the end that is both beautiful and wrenching at the same time.  Every time I read it, something new strikes me as being particularly lovely or memorable.  This time, it was this:

He stood beside the Sea of Windless Storm where the blue waves like snow-clad hills roll silently out of Unlight to the long strand, bearing the white ships that return from battles on the Dark Marches of which men know nothing.

~o~

I have each of these as individual volumes, but they’re also collected (along with a few others, and the mentioned On Fairy Stories) in Tales from the Perilous Realm.  If you can’t find them on their own (there’s just something about having each of them separately), I’d recommend finding yourself a copy of this – it includes the illustrations for each of the stories/novellas…and they’re just not the same without the pictures.

If you’re not already familiar with these, I hope you feel encouraged to give them a shot.  If you DO already know them, which is your favourite?

“I don’t remember that…?” (Part II)

To recap my post from last night, I didn’t hate this first The Hobbit movie, but as a huge Tolkien fan, I do have some major problems with it.  The accuracy of the stuff PJ and co. pulled from the appendices is lacking (I don’t know why I expected better, given what he pulled with LotR but I was HOPING) and there’s other stuff that was just straight up FABRICATED for no apparent reason (even though I kind of think I know what those reasons are and THEY DON’T MAKE ME VERY HAPPY).

[ahem]

So, in last night’s post, I had a footnote about how there were other things in the opening Erebor sequence that bothered me.

I can sum up the majority of the rest of my problems with that scene with one word.

Thranduil.

What?  That doesn’t make sense?  Fine, let me explain.

Why the hell was he even there?  Why were there eleventy billion Mirkwood elves just KICKIN’ IT watching Smaug take over Erebor?  This doesn’t even MAKE ANY SENSE!  Not only does it not make any sense in this context, but it turns a since the DAWN OF TIME antipathy into a personal grudge match between Thorin and Thranduil.  I don’t even…

And let’s not even talk about his giant elk steed.

This unnecessary meeting paves the way for Thorin’s mistrust of the elves, which goes SO FAR as to have him wanting to take the long way ’round just to avoid visiting Rivendell.

Of course, in the movie, they kind of HAVE TO go there because they’ve met Radagast, who has some MOST DIRE NEWS to tell them about how the Necromancer has taken over Dol Guldur and Greenwood is RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND turning into what will be known as Mirkwood.

Um…

It was kind of nice that PJ tried to appease us a tiny bit by having Radagast tell us that the giant spiders he followed were probably some offspring/descendants of Ungoliant, BUT TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

Because I have quite a few problems here.

1. Thráin was being held captive by the Necromancer (Sauron) in Dol Guldur and was being tortured out of his wits when GANDALF found him there, which is WHERE THE KEY AND THE EFFING MAP CAME FROM.  There was no explanation given in the film as to where Gandalf found Thorin’s father, just that he had been given the key to pass on.  This is all just so wrong, it makes my head hurt.
   
2. I kind of glossed over the other reviews of the movie before I went because I wanted to go in as open-mindedly as possible.  This means I really only knew that Radagast rode a bunny-powered sleigh and was a bit eccentric, which I was totally cool with.  I was NOT aware that he was completely loonypants, ate too many mushrooms, is now a buffoon with birdshit dried on the side of his face.  Contrary to what many other people seem to be thinking, I actually kind of liked the bunnies.  They made me smile and seemed terribly appropriate.
3. The White Council.  I don’t really have a problem with this stuff being included here.  What I DO have a problem with is the fact that I could HEAR PEOPLE MURMURING and even MY DAD leaned over to ask me if Saruman was really already working for Sauron at this point in time.  No.  No, he wasn’t.  He didn’t WANT them to raze Dol Guldur, but it’s because Saruman wanted that Ring for himself, and he hoped that if they left things alone, Sauron’s Will would draw the Ring out of hiding.  This was weird and confusing for a few reasons.  Gandalf and Galadriel had their little telepathic exchange, and it seemed even then that they were aware that Saruman was on the road to corruption.  Look, PJ, if you want to play it that way, that’s fine, but you’ve already contradicted your own films because Gandalf the Grey rode to Isengard to ASK FOR SARUMAN’S HELP!
4. PIPE WEED IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT POT!
5. The Dwarves+Bilbo leaving Rivendell on their own (without so much as a faretheewell to Gandalf) is the SAME THING as Sam ACTUALLY LEAVING FRODO on the steps of Cirith Ungol.  It didn’t fucking happen and there’s NO REASON FOR IT TO HAVE HAPPENED.

Since this is already getting really long, I’m going to skip ahead a bit.  I don’t need to talk about the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Stone Giants, just know that I didn’t like it.  Plus, I already saw that same scene in King Kong, but it was dinosaurs.  [shrug]

Let’s talk about the Misty Mountains.

I already ranted a little about my feelings on the Great Goblin (see this post), but I had no idea how very much I would dislike him before last night.  I wasn’t a fan of the way the Misty Mountain caves and tunnels looked very much like the mines of Erebor, nor was I a fan of Jabba’s the Great Goblin’s little giggling version of Salacious Crumb.

The worst parts for me, though, involved Gollum.  I was actually looking forward to the Riddles in the Dark, because it was something I could see translating REALLY WELL to film.

Instead, I was embarrassed when the Ring went flying out of the LITTLE COIN PURSE Gollum had attached to HIS LOIN CLOTH, I was disgusted watching Gollum butchering a Goblin, and I was angry that Gollum realized IMMEDIATELY that the Ring was gone.  I was confused as to why he decided to start throwing rocks at Bilbo, when he already knew that Bagginses had the Precious, and I was ENRAGED when Bilbo spared Gollum’s life, only to KICK HIM IN THE FACE ON PURPOSE  when he jumped over his head to the exit.

I was kind of happy that the waistcoat buttons popped off, even if it happened far too soon.

These are buttons at the breaking point.

From that point on, it’s pretty much a race to the temporary endpoint.  Instead of Bilbo sneaking up into the campsite, he meets up with the Dwarves and Gandalf after following them down the mountain, but first he overhears Thorin talking a bunch of smack about him.

Then there’s this whole battle with Azog on the edge of a stupid cliff (which IS set afire thanks to our Grey Wizard) and Gandalf Moth Whisperer is back to send his winged friend to ask the Giant Eagles to come rescue their asses.  But not before Thorin is almost killed by Azog, only to be saved by NEW AND IMPROVED BADASS BILBO BAGGINS.

Then the terrible CGI Eagles swoop in and save everyone from certain death before dropping them all off at the Carrock, no dallying at the Eyrie necessary.

Now, I know you’re likely getting the impression that I hated this movie, based on the last 2000 words of ranting.  I didn’t hate it, and I actually liked some parts of it, which is more than I can say for LotR.  I just don’t understand the changes that were made for no reason.

I probably won’t be talking about the things I liked because my mind isn’t letting me remember any of them right now.  Oops.

But I kind of loved Ori.  Like, seriously, I’m sad he dies in Moria cos he was the best part of the movie for me.  Although, since he’s changing everything else, maybe PJ will retcon it so that NEVER HAPPENS.

“I don’t remember that…?”

I got back about an hour ago from seeing The Hobbit with my dad.  Since my dad is Odin, we didn’t see it in 3D or the 48fps, so I can’t comment on those.

Contrary to what everyone probably thinks, I didn’t absolutely hate it.  I didn’t HATE it, but that doesn’t mean I liked it.  I spent a lot of the movie like this to keep from yelling things that probably would have gotten me kicked out of the theatre:

Hey, how about we start at the beginning?  That seems logical, right?

First, let me say that I went in already pissed off that Elijah Wood was going to be in the movie.  I’m not a fan of Mr Tiny Hands, but I DIDN’T HATE THE INTRO!  No, it actually made sense to me, and I can appreciate that The Hobbit is now connected to the LotR films.  It makes sense.

Did anyone else giggle at the mention of Lobelia and the spoons?  I did.  But it might have been the last time I laughed at something I thought was funny and not just stupid or WTF-y.

Oh, hey, look – IT’S BACKSTORY TIME!

• Yes, the whole “good morning” conversation happened word for word BUT WHY WAS BILBO SUCH A RUDE LITTLE HOBBIT?!  He didn’t invite Gandalf for tea, and he just…he wasn’t really Bilbo, I don’t think.
• Once the dwarves start showing up, Bilbo grows EVEN RUDER.  Dude, the Bilbo at the beginning of the book was the perfect host.  He may not have been happy about it, but he was POLITE!  He didn’t go SNATCHING THINGS out of the hands of his uninvited guests.  Ugh.
• I appreciated that That’s What Bilbo Baggins Hates was included in the songs.  That actually kind of made me glad I went to see it, because I was mouthing the words and stomping my feet along.  Luckily there weren’t many people in the theatre, and there was no one else in our row, so I didn’t really worry about it bugging people.
• I still don’t like that the dwarves’ song sounds like a Klingon space shanty, but whatevs.  It’s not like I was consulted (even if this summer I was #1 in Hobbit +K).

I’m happy that PJ decided to try to give people that haven’t studied the Appendices and Tolkien’s other works a bit of backstory on Thorin.  It would have made me happier if he’d gotten the story right.  This was one of the worst parts for me, that from the VERY BEGINNING, I was doubting myself.  ”Did it really happen like that?  It didn’t, did it?  I could have sworn that Thrór didn’t get all greedyguts until after Smaug rousted them and the Ring they had kind of started to warp his mind?”  So OF COURSE I looked it up as soon as I got home.

Listen, this is probably a small thing to the people that would even notice the difference and I can understand that it’s a relatively minor thing for me to get all nitpicky on.  Hush, DON’T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL YET?!

Anyway, listen.  What it shows in the movie with Thrór being all Scrooge McDuck-y and twirling around in his SWIMMING POOL FILLED WITH GOLD is not accurate.  And AGAIN, I realize this is something that most people won’t even notice, but it did NOT set everything off in a way that gave me much hope.*

I hated that Bilbo just UP AND RAN OFF with his contract in hand, that there was NO NOTE AND NO GANDALF rushing him out the door.  Would it have been THAT DIFFICULT to do?  No, it wouldn’t.

AND THEN!  I was REALLY looking forward to the trolls.  Like, really really.  I don’t understand why the ponies had to be stolen, I don’t understand why “a burgler-hobbit” was better than “a burrahobbit” and I don’t understand why Gandalf had to BREAK A ROCK to bring in the sun.  Seriously?  I just…blergh.

I’m about to go off on a bit of a rant about Azog.  Those of you who’ve only read the books proper and not the appendices probably have no idea how wrong this is, or maybe just thought that he was talked about in something you hadn’t read.

That’s partially correct, and where the title of this post came from.  When all of the backstory of Azog, Thrór and Thorin was going on, my dad leaned over and said “I don’t remember that…?”  Yeah, dad.  You don’t remember it because that’s not how it happened.

Yes, Azog had decided he was King of Moria and YES, he killed Thrór.  But it wasn’t in a mighty battle.  Thrór had left his kinsmen (giving custody of the dwarvish Ring to his son Thráin) with only ONE COMPANION (Nár), and together they traveled to Moria.  Thrór got all excited cos the gate to Moria was open, and against Nár’s advice, went running up.

Nár hid for a bunch of days, and then Thrór’s body was THROWN OUT minus his head (which was thrown separately).

‘If any of your people poke their foul beards in here again, they will fare the same. Go and tell them so! But if his family wish to know who is now king here, the name is written on his face. I wrote it! I killed him! I am the master!’
Then Nár turned the head and saw branded on the brow in dwarf-runes so that he could read it the name AZOG. That name was branded in his heart and in the hearts of all the Dwarves afterwards. Nár stooped to take the head, but the voice of Azog said:
‘Drop it! Be off! Here’s your fee, beggar-beard.’ A small bag struck him. It held a few coins of little worth.

AFTER THAT, once Thráin found out what had happened to his daddy, came the battle depicted in the film, BUT Azog was DECISIVELY KILLED by Thorin’s second cousin.  Dáin Ironfoot  beheaded him with an axe and then STUFFED that pouch of coins in Azog’s mouth.

So.  This whole nonsense with Azog HUNTING DOWN the line of Durin was ridiculous, unnecessary, and I assume only done to provide filler and excitement?  I don’t know.  The CGI was AWFUL, like, the Waits Orc in LotR looked so much realer, this just looked like the troll in the first Harry Potter movie.

The whole “Thorin cut Azog’s arm off and now the orc has a HARPOON just shoved up on in there with the end STICKING OUT THROUGH HIS UPPER ARM” was stupid.  I don’t like any of these bits, which makes me sad because they took up MOST OF THE MOVIE.

Now that I’ve built up a healthy head of ranting steam, I’m going to pause here and finish tomorrow.  Please, I’ve seen so many reviews and comments that say that anyone who doesn’t like these movies is just an asshole, or not a “real fan” so I’m going to ask anyone reading this that’s tempted to comment like that to NOT LEAVE THAT COMMENT.  If a comment like that is left, it’ll either be deleted or changed some way so that I can make fun of you.  I’m not calling anyone an asshole for liking this movie, please respect me the same way.  Thank you.

* I have other problems with this, but I’ll go into it tomorrow.

Puttin’ the Blog in Balrog – The Final Drinkalong

Anyone else feel the need to pour a 40 on the ground for the end of our Friday night drinkalongs?  No?  Oh.

Well.  Last drinkalong!  Second disc of RotK!  Um…yeah.

• Countdown timer
• Tweetchat room
• The Penultimate #PtBiB Storify

Heather, I’ll add in the new/extended scenes for you later, I can’t find the booklet right now.  >.<

If you can’t read this, you can click it!

Also, there was some talk on twitter of sadness that the drinkalongs will be ending.  I was wondering if you guys would be interested in making the group watches a once a month thing?  I can put up polls to see what everyone would be interested in watching together and drinking would be optional.

Unless you want to make rules for the movies or whatever.  Anyway, leave your thoughts in the comments.