So, I was reading this book earlier today (I know, shocker, right?) and even though it was annoying me with weird repetitiveness, I was totally ready to let that stuff go (kinda) until I read this:
GODDAMNIT, THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
And then I had an epic fit of nerdrage that was
barely contained totally not contained at all, not even a little before it was time to start writing this post.
- “Hur, dur, it’s a PLOT HOLE!” Yeah, okay. Let’s say it IS a plot hole. Let’s assume that Frodo could’ve just hopped on the Gwaihir Express direct to fucking Mordor from The Shire. Okay. That leaves us with approximately 40 pages of book. Fun! Except not.
- It’s been said before, but THE EAGLES ARE NOT A TAXI SERVICE. You know what they are? They’re the eyes and ears of Manwë, fucking KING OF THE VALAR (the Valar are essentially demi-gods, shit, keep up). Now we know this for suresies, but Tolkien also speculated that they MIGHT be Maiar (lesser gods, like MOTHERFUCKING GANDALF) in bird form. Oh, you want to ask your brother to give a friend a goddamn piggy back ride for almost 1100 miles? Mmmmhmmm.
- ELEVEN HUNDRED MILES You saw that, right? (btw, click that link up there, it’ll take you to Eric’s blog where he’s traveling from The Shire to Mt Doom on an elliptical machine – it’s totally worth it) So, idk how fast a great eagle flies, sorry. But I do know that a bald eagle can reach speeds of up to 75mph (source) HOWEVER, we have to keep in mind that the eagles would be bearing both Ring and Ring-bearer, so they prolly couldn’t travel faster than 35mph or so without there being a hobbit wreck of some sort.
Okay, so doing that math, that puts them at ~31 hours flying direct with no stops. NOT POSSIBLE, but even if it were, there’s no fucking way they could fly the entire length of Middle-earth without being spotted by a single one of Sauron’s scouts. Imfuckingpossible.
- They can’t just DROP the One Ring into the volcano. NONONONONO. They specifically have to take the Ring to Sammath Naur (which holds the Cracks of Doom [still makes me giggle, cos I'm a 12y/o boy]) where the Ring was forged. Given the size of the Great Eagles, there’s no way one could fit into the Chambers of Fire, so they’d have to land and wait for the Ring-bearer to go toss that shit in. LIKE NO ONE IS GOING TO NOTICE A GREAT EAGLE JUST HANGING OUT IN MORDOR.
- Shut up. See the title of this post and below.
Oh, and this happened: