I’m assuming those were the words that Peter Jackson was saying to himself as he decided which scenes needed to be included in the EXTENDED EDITION of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.
Yes, friends – you read that right. A goddamn EXTENDED EDITION OF A MOVIE THAT WAS ALREADY TOO LONG IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Now, because I’m a total asshole and a glutton for punishment, last night I sat down with a holiday themed bottle of wine and decided to get through as much of this travesty as I could for
— Other!sj (@popqueenie) October 25, 2013
I knew going in that there was only thirteen minutes of new stuff (sidenote: WHY RELEASE A WHOLE NEW EDITION WITH ONLY THIRTEEN MINUTES?! I don’t think anyone would have walked out of the theatre if the damn movie was thirteen minutes longer, fuck), but wasn’t expecting a goodly portion of it to be at the very beginning.
We get a teeny bit more Erebor stuff, with Bilbo’s voiceover talking about the town of Dale, and how NO ONE KNOWS WHAT CAUSED THE DWARVES AND ELVES TO HATE EACH OTHER! (even though you’d know if you ever bothered to read the damn books) AND THEN we get to see that apparently what happened was Thror offering Thranduil a chest full of shiny jewels and then snapping it shut on his hand as he reaches for them. PSYCH! It was totally that scene at the opera in Pretty Woman, but Lee Pace is prettier than Julia Roberts.
This isn’t a screenshot. But I kind of wish it was. Thanks, Susie!
Well, now. How could it possibly get worse?
Hmph, it’s like you don’t know me at all.
I’m not going to complain about the scene with Wee Bilbo Baggins meeting Gandalf for the first time, nor am I going to complain about Bilbo going shopping for fish in Hobbiton following Gandalf’s first visit. These are scenes that I actually enjoyed and fail to understand why they didn’t make the original cut, so.
I kind of stopped paying attention for a while, mostly because I was busy replying to tweets and running downstairs to rant at my husband while he played CoD.
Honestly, it’s a better movie if you just kind of tune everything out.
I do so love Rivendell. [sigh]
Anyway, there was more of the meal they shared upon first arriving, but with new and totally unnecessary things added, but the biggest problem I had was what caused me to walk away in disgust.
The band of dwarves are all sitting at the table with many elf maids and lads playing their harps and pipes and whatnot. Kili winks at one of them and all of the surrounding dwarves glare at him for being a traitor to the entire species.
He tries to get out of it by saying he doesn’t find them attractive, not enough facial hair on the women, etc. Then nods at another elf and mentions that that one isn’t bad.
At which point the entire table begins laughing uproariously because it’s a dude.
No big, right? Everyone was wishing for more homophobia in Middle-Earth. It was the ONE THING that was missing and now these are the best movies evar, right? Ugh.
I walked away for a few minutes and when I came back to turn it off, this was the last thing I saw.
You can click on this one to embiggen.
So, um…it’s cool to make fun of someone for thinking an effeminate man is pretty, but then two seconds later go have a naked chicken fight in a fountain?