Announcements! And a Special Bonus Treat.

Another Harry Potter Drinkalong!

Please join us this Friday, April 19 at 10:15pm EDT for the Chamber of Secrets drinkalong.  Jeremy has asked that I add extra rules so that he can forget he’s watched the movie, and I’ve had my mega-HP-geek friends on the case.  There’ll be a lot of fun, and maybe some alcohol poisoning (just kidding [hopefully]).  Hope to see you there!

~o~

In other SUPER EXCITING NEWS I’m really happy to tell you all that we’ll be adding a few new Snobs to our ranks.  You likely know them already, but starting next week both Amy of Lucy’s Football and Heather of Becoming Cliche will be reading and reviewing here occasionally.

I am THE MOST EXCITED about this, and think you’ll all love them and their bookish writing just as much as I do.  You may have already read Amy’s litfic reviews over at Insatiable Booksluts, but here she’ll be primarily talking about the genre stuff she reads – including her reactions to books she’s read on my recommendation.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  Even if it doesn’t, I expect you all to pretend that it does.

Heather currently has no real outlet for her thoughts on books, her blog (if you aren’t already reading her blog, there’s something wrong with you) focuses on her life as a writer/mommy/zoo volunteer, and I offered her a place to talk about the books she reads.  They may not always fit into the genre slots I typically wedge myself into, but they’ll always be worth reading.

Give them all a welcome in the form of cash, prizes, gifs or just kind words, yeah?

~o~

Finally, if you’re not following me on twitter, you may have missed me talking about how my oldest son watched The Hobbit yesterday.  He’s just now reading the book for the first time (himself, I read it to him when he was wee, but I don’t think he remembers it).

I was SO EXCITED because he was pointing out things that bothered him ALL ON HIS OWN.  I didn’t even have to coach him!  I asked him if he wanted to record a video rant for you guys and he did.  But it was 38 minutes long and since I can’t receive texts at my house unless I’m super lucky, I can’t verify my YouTube account until I LEAVE THE HOUSE (meaning, drive 6 miles away) to be able to upload it.  I had him record a shorter rant, but it’s still 12 minutes long.  If you’d like to watch my mini-me (who is now taller than me – he’ll probably be 6′ by the time he’s 14 this summer) talk about the things Peter Jackson did that bothered him, you can do so by clicking here.

My kid rules.

~o~

…and that’s all I have for today.  Hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday!

“I don’t remember that…?” (Part II)

To recap my post from last night, I didn’t hate this first The Hobbit movie, but as a huge Tolkien fan, I do have some major problems with it.  The accuracy of the stuff PJ and co. pulled from the appendices is lacking (I don’t know why I expected better, given what he pulled with LotR but I was HOPING) and there’s other stuff that was just straight up FABRICATED for no apparent reason (even though I kind of think I know what those reasons are and THEY DON’T MAKE ME VERY HAPPY).

[ahem]

So, in last night’s post, I had a footnote about how there were other things in the opening Erebor sequence that bothered me.

I can sum up the majority of the rest of my problems with that scene with one word.

Thranduil.

What?  That doesn’t make sense?  Fine, let me explain.

Why the hell was he even there?  Why were there eleventy billion Mirkwood elves just KICKIN’ IT watching Smaug take over Erebor?  This doesn’t even MAKE ANY SENSE!  Not only does it not make any sense in this context, but it turns a since the DAWN OF TIME antipathy into a personal grudge match between Thorin and Thranduil.  I don’t even…

And let’s not even talk about his giant elk steed.

This unnecessary meeting paves the way for Thorin’s mistrust of the elves, which goes SO FAR as to have him wanting to take the long way ’round just to avoid visiting Rivendell.

Of course, in the movie, they kind of HAVE TO go there because they’ve met Radagast, who has some MOST DIRE NEWS to tell them about how the Necromancer has taken over Dol Guldur and Greenwood is RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND turning into what will be known as Mirkwood.

Um…

It was kind of nice that PJ tried to appease us a tiny bit by having Radagast tell us that the giant spiders he followed were probably some offspring/descendants of Ungoliant, BUT TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

Because I have quite a few problems here.

1. Thráin was being held captive by the Necromancer (Sauron) in Dol Guldur and was being tortured out of his wits when GANDALF found him there, which is WHERE THE KEY AND THE EFFING MAP CAME FROM.  There was no explanation given in the film as to where Gandalf found Thorin’s father, just that he had been given the key to pass on.  This is all just so wrong, it makes my head hurt.
   
2. I kind of glossed over the other reviews of the movie before I went because I wanted to go in as open-mindedly as possible.  This means I really only knew that Radagast rode a bunny-powered sleigh and was a bit eccentric, which I was totally cool with.  I was NOT aware that he was completely loonypants, ate too many mushrooms, is now a buffoon with birdshit dried on the side of his face.  Contrary to what many other people seem to be thinking, I actually kind of liked the bunnies.  They made me smile and seemed terribly appropriate.
3. The White Council.  I don’t really have a problem with this stuff being included here.  What I DO have a problem with is the fact that I could HEAR PEOPLE MURMURING and even MY DAD leaned over to ask me if Saruman was really already working for Sauron at this point in time.  No.  No, he wasn’t.  He didn’t WANT them to raze Dol Guldur, but it’s because Saruman wanted that Ring for himself, and he hoped that if they left things alone, Sauron’s Will would draw the Ring out of hiding.  This was weird and confusing for a few reasons.  Gandalf and Galadriel had their little telepathic exchange, and it seemed even then that they were aware that Saruman was on the road to corruption.  Look, PJ, if you want to play it that way, that’s fine, but you’ve already contradicted your own films because Gandalf the Grey rode to Isengard to ASK FOR SARUMAN’S HELP!
4. PIPE WEED IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT POT!
5. The Dwarves+Bilbo leaving Rivendell on their own (without so much as a faretheewell to Gandalf) is the SAME THING as Sam ACTUALLY LEAVING FRODO on the steps of Cirith Ungol.  It didn’t fucking happen and there’s NO REASON FOR IT TO HAVE HAPPENED.

Since this is already getting really long, I’m going to skip ahead a bit.  I don’t need to talk about the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Stone Giants, just know that I didn’t like it.  Plus, I already saw that same scene in King Kong, but it was dinosaurs.  [shrug]

Let’s talk about the Misty Mountains.

I already ranted a little about my feelings on the Great Goblin (see this post), but I had no idea how very much I would dislike him before last night.  I wasn’t a fan of the way the Misty Mountain caves and tunnels looked very much like the mines of Erebor, nor was I a fan of Jabba’s the Great Goblin’s little giggling version of Salacious Crumb.

The worst parts for me, though, involved Gollum.  I was actually looking forward to the Riddles in the Dark, because it was something I could see translating REALLY WELL to film.

Instead, I was embarrassed when the Ring went flying out of the LITTLE COIN PURSE Gollum had attached to HIS LOIN CLOTH, I was disgusted watching Gollum butchering a Goblin, and I was angry that Gollum realized IMMEDIATELY that the Ring was gone.  I was confused as to why he decided to start throwing rocks at Bilbo, when he already knew that Bagginses had the Precious, and I was ENRAGED when Bilbo spared Gollum’s life, only to KICK HIM IN THE FACE ON PURPOSE  when he jumped over his head to the exit.

I was kind of happy that the waistcoat buttons popped off, even if it happened far too soon.

These are buttons at the breaking point.

From that point on, it’s pretty much a race to the temporary endpoint.  Instead of Bilbo sneaking up into the campsite, he meets up with the Dwarves and Gandalf after following them down the mountain, but first he overhears Thorin talking a bunch of smack about him.

Then there’s this whole battle with Azog on the edge of a stupid cliff (which IS set afire thanks to our Grey Wizard) and Gandalf Moth Whisperer is back to send his winged friend to ask the Giant Eagles to come rescue their asses.  But not before Thorin is almost killed by Azog, only to be saved by NEW AND IMPROVED BADASS BILBO BAGGINS.

Then the terrible CGI Eagles swoop in and save everyone from certain death before dropping them all off at the Carrock, no dallying at the Eyrie necessary.

Now, I know you’re likely getting the impression that I hated this movie, based on the last 2000 words of ranting.  I didn’t hate it, and I actually liked some parts of it, which is more than I can say for LotR.  I just don’t understand the changes that were made for no reason.

I probably won’t be talking about the things I liked because my mind isn’t letting me remember any of them right now.  Oops.

But I kind of loved Ori.  Like, seriously, I’m sad he dies in Moria cos he was the best part of the movie for me.  Although, since he’s changing everything else, maybe PJ will retcon it so that NEVER HAPPENS.

“I don’t remember that…?”

I got back about an hour ago from seeing The Hobbit with my dad.  Since my dad is Odin, we didn’t see it in 3D or the 48fps, so I can’t comment on those.

Contrary to what everyone probably thinks, I didn’t absolutely hate it.  I didn’t HATE it, but that doesn’t mean I liked it.  I spent a lot of the movie like this to keep from yelling things that probably would have gotten me kicked out of the theatre:

Hey, how about we start at the beginning?  That seems logical, right?

First, let me say that I went in already pissed off that Elijah Wood was going to be in the movie.  I’m not a fan of Mr Tiny Hands, but I DIDN’T HATE THE INTRO!  No, it actually made sense to me, and I can appreciate that The Hobbit is now connected to the LotR films.  It makes sense.

Did anyone else giggle at the mention of Lobelia and the spoons?  I did.  But it might have been the last time I laughed at something I thought was funny and not just stupid or WTF-y.

Oh, hey, look – IT’S BACKSTORY TIME!

• Yes, the whole “good morning” conversation happened word for word BUT WHY WAS BILBO SUCH A RUDE LITTLE HOBBIT?!  He didn’t invite Gandalf for tea, and he just…he wasn’t really Bilbo, I don’t think.
• Once the dwarves start showing up, Bilbo grows EVEN RUDER.  Dude, the Bilbo at the beginning of the book was the perfect host.  He may not have been happy about it, but he was POLITE!  He didn’t go SNATCHING THINGS out of the hands of his uninvited guests.  Ugh.
• I appreciated that That’s What Bilbo Baggins Hates was included in the songs.  That actually kind of made me glad I went to see it, because I was mouthing the words and stomping my feet along.  Luckily there weren’t many people in the theatre, and there was no one else in our row, so I didn’t really worry about it bugging people.
• I still don’t like that the dwarves’ song sounds like a Klingon space shanty, but whatevs.  It’s not like I was consulted (even if this summer I was #1 in Hobbit +K).

I’m happy that PJ decided to try to give people that haven’t studied the Appendices and Tolkien’s other works a bit of backstory on Thorin.  It would have made me happier if he’d gotten the story right.  This was one of the worst parts for me, that from the VERY BEGINNING, I was doubting myself.  ”Did it really happen like that?  It didn’t, did it?  I could have sworn that Thrór didn’t get all greedyguts until after Smaug rousted them and the Ring they had kind of started to warp his mind?”  So OF COURSE I looked it up as soon as I got home.

Listen, this is probably a small thing to the people that would even notice the difference and I can understand that it’s a relatively minor thing for me to get all nitpicky on.  Hush, DON’T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL YET?!

Anyway, listen.  What it shows in the movie with Thrór being all Scrooge McDuck-y and twirling around in his SWIMMING POOL FILLED WITH GOLD is not accurate.  And AGAIN, I realize this is something that most people won’t even notice, but it did NOT set everything off in a way that gave me much hope.*

I hated that Bilbo just UP AND RAN OFF with his contract in hand, that there was NO NOTE AND NO GANDALF rushing him out the door.  Would it have been THAT DIFFICULT to do?  No, it wouldn’t.

AND THEN!  I was REALLY looking forward to the trolls.  Like, really really.  I don’t understand why the ponies had to be stolen, I don’t understand why “a burgler-hobbit” was better than “a burrahobbit” and I don’t understand why Gandalf had to BREAK A ROCK to bring in the sun.  Seriously?  I just…blergh.

I’m about to go off on a bit of a rant about Azog.  Those of you who’ve only read the books proper and not the appendices probably have no idea how wrong this is, or maybe just thought that he was talked about in something you hadn’t read.

That’s partially correct, and where the title of this post came from.  When all of the backstory of Azog, Thrór and Thorin was going on, my dad leaned over and said “I don’t remember that…?”  Yeah, dad.  You don’t remember it because that’s not how it happened.

Yes, Azog had decided he was King of Moria and YES, he killed Thrór.  But it wasn’t in a mighty battle.  Thrór had left his kinsmen (giving custody of the dwarvish Ring to his son Thráin) with only ONE COMPANION (Nár), and together they traveled to Moria.  Thrór got all excited cos the gate to Moria was open, and against Nár’s advice, went running up.

Nár hid for a bunch of days, and then Thrór’s body was THROWN OUT minus his head (which was thrown separately).

‘If any of your people poke their foul beards in here again, they will fare the same. Go and tell them so! But if his family wish to know who is now king here, the name is written on his face. I wrote it! I killed him! I am the master!’
Then Nár turned the head and saw branded on the brow in dwarf-runes so that he could read it the name AZOG. That name was branded in his heart and in the hearts of all the Dwarves afterwards. Nár stooped to take the head, but the voice of Azog said:
‘Drop it! Be off! Here’s your fee, beggar-beard.’ A small bag struck him. It held a few coins of little worth.

AFTER THAT, once Thráin found out what had happened to his daddy, came the battle depicted in the film, BUT Azog was DECISIVELY KILLED by Thorin’s second cousin.  Dáin Ironfoot  beheaded him with an axe and then STUFFED that pouch of coins in Azog’s mouth.

So.  This whole nonsense with Azog HUNTING DOWN the line of Durin was ridiculous, unnecessary, and I assume only done to provide filler and excitement?  I don’t know.  The CGI was AWFUL, like, the Waits Orc in LotR looked so much realer, this just looked like the troll in the first Harry Potter movie.

The whole “Thorin cut Azog’s arm off and now the orc has a HARPOON just shoved up on in there with the end STICKING OUT THROUGH HIS UPPER ARM” was stupid.  I don’t like any of these bits, which makes me sad because they took up MOST OF THE MOVIE.

Now that I’ve built up a healthy head of ranting steam, I’m going to pause here and finish tomorrow.  Please, I’ve seen so many reviews and comments that say that anyone who doesn’t like these movies is just an asshole, or not a “real fan” so I’m going to ask anyone reading this that’s tempted to comment like that to NOT LEAVE THAT COMMENT.  If a comment like that is left, it’ll either be deleted or changed some way so that I can make fun of you.  I’m not calling anyone an asshole for liking this movie, please respect me the same way.  Thank you.

* I have other problems with this, but I’ll go into it tomorrow.

THAT IS SO JACKSONED!

This post is for Mrs Heather at Between the Covers.  She’s kind of the only person I expect to be as outraged as I am.

(2) Orc is not an English word. It occurs in one or two places but is usually translated goblin (or hobgoblin for the larger kinds).

So sayeth Mr Tolkien in the Author’s Note of The Hobbit.   If one has actually READ the Author’s Note, one would be aware that this means that those beasts referred to as “goblins” in The Hobbit are the “orcs” mentioned in the rest of the Middle-Earth books.  Right?  Right.

Also, don’t forget we talked about this during the very first Puttin’ the Blog in Balrog post.

SO!

This would lead one to believe that (as Jacksoned as they may be) the goblins in the upcoming (three!  wts, three?!) Hobbit movies would look pretty much like the orcs from the LotR films, yes?

Well, that’s where you would be wrong.

Let’s take a look at a handful of orcs from the films we already have, shall we?

We have Gothmog (foreverafter referred to as Waits Orc, cos he sounds like Tom Waits):

We have Grishnakh:

And various other orcs at play:

Imagine my surprise when today when I see an article about the new toys being released for the (three!) Hobbit movies.

In case you’re too lazy to click, this is what they’ve decided the Great Goblin (y’know, the King Under the Misty Mountains?) looks like:

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?  No.  So I decided to watch the newest trailer, which I’ve already been adamantly opposed to, but it was for SCIENCE YOU!

I found this:

WHAT THE ACTUAL SNAPE, THAT IS NOT A SNAPING ORC, THAT IS SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!!!!

Capattack totally necessary.

No, seriously, I am so beyond angry about this that I’ve been ranting to myself about it all day.  Then I said “Wait, isn’t that what you have a blog for in the first place?  Write that ish up!”

So I am.  And I know that no one else views Peter Jackson’s interpretations of these works with as much disdain as I do, but COME THE SNAPE ON!  You already created this species THE LAST TIME!  I don’t understand why the snape an entire new species had to be created HAVE YOU EVEN READ THE BOOKS?!

Ugh.