It’s good to have a turn to be a king for a day…

 …or for a week or for a year or for a year and a day.

So, a year ago today Heather was putting on the pressure.  For, like, the 20th time, she was emailing me about participating in NaNo.  Even though it was already 11 days into the month she was all “JUST SIGN UP!  We will write together and it WILL BE FUN!”

Okay, maybe I’m taking some liberty with her words.  I’m sure I still have the emails in my inbox (because I’m an email hoarder and I never delete ANYTHING) but I’m way too lazy to go digging for them.  You have no idea how many emails Heather and I have sent each other in the last year, and we can just keep it that way, thank you very much.

But I digress.

A year ago today I was trying to come up with some way to get Heather off my back.  I really didn’t want to do NaNoWriMo, and I had no really valid reason not to.  Heather has only one less kid than I do, plus she’s got that whole job at the zoo thing going on, and all I was really doing at the time was moderating a game forum.

That night, I thought of something else she’d been bugging me to do.  Blog.  I’d been putting that off, too.  ”I have no idea what I’d write about!”

“Books.  You’d rant about books like you always do in chat.  You’re funny.  People will read it.”

So the next morning I secured booksnobbery at wordpress for my very own.  I had other names at first, but they were TAKEN and I never really thought anyone would read this stuff, so I didn’t think there would ever be a chance for people to get upset at the name.

My first post was this Harry Potter Rant (which I meant to do a series of [but then kind of forgot about until JUST THIS MINUTE AS I TYPE THIS], which is why it’s called THE FIRST, dur).  The beginning doesn’t make much sense because I was already referring to my About page (which has since kind of changed, because at the time all it said was “I hate everything, except books.  And music.  Sometimes I hate those too.”) and I don’t know why I thought referring to something people wouldn’t have read first was a good idea?  As of this writing, that post has had 51 views.  Which is a little less than 1 view a week, and that’s how I’m choosing to think about it, so don’t take that away from me.

Heather pimped me out on twitter and I had, like THREE FOLLOWERS the first day.  ZOMG, so exciting, right?

But then the only people to read my next few posts were Heather, Em and Meg and while that was nice that they were reading, I wasn’t entirely sure about whether I wanted to keep doing it.

I kind of thrive on feedback and approval.  If this isn’t something you know about me, we haven’t known each other long enough.

SO THEN!

Then I got the not so brilliant idea to start Trashy Tuesdays.  The first Trashy Tuesday post was Zombies vs Unicorns, and I’m not going to lie and say that it was a huge success right off the bat because it wasn’t.  I mean, it kind of was, but that post still has less than 100 views.  Listen to me, acting like 100 views on a post is nothing.  It’s not, don’t think that.  The majority of my posts are still under 100, so – even though we’ve come a long way, it’s not like we’re big time or anything.

Trashy Tuesday was fun for a while, but zomg, it was so tiring.  My first post to break 100 views was a Trashy Tuesday (the one for Clan of the Cave Bear) and I know you’re all probably like “WHAT THE SNAPE, SJ?!  WHERE’S TRASHY TUESDAY NOW?” but I stopped doing them on the regular back in April.  I’ve read some trashy books since then, but they’re best when Megiggles is around to do illustrations (don’t even lie and tell me they’re not cos I’ll call you out for being a Liey McLiarson) and since she’s kind of super busy and junk, it’s not as much fun.

MOVING ON.  Trashy Tuesdays brought about the Dodisharkicorn.  Dude.  Dodisharkicorn is pretty much (other than my kids) the thing I’m proudest of creating.  I didn’t do it by myself, though.  Nope, that was Megiggles and I both.  She joined the blog as a contributor in the spring (I know, she doesn’t post much BUT SHE IS SO BUSY and she still totally draws things for me when I ask nicely) even though she started drawing things for me long before that.

Also, there are still some links on here from when Meg had her own blog.  Please ignore those, she deleted it when she was only being visited by me and Russian Pr0nbots.

Holy hell, this has become much longer than I intended.

Okay.  So.  Things I never thought would happen with my blog.

• That people would actually read.  As of this moment, WordPress says there are over 500 followers, but that’s a lie, because a lot of those are twitter.  Whatever.  I have close to 300 ACTUAL BLOG FOLLOWERS and while they may not read every day, that’s way more than the 10 I thought I’d end up with.
• That I’d become friends with some of my favourite people ever.  Before I started this blog I did not know Amy or Susie or Mandy or Heather…um, I’m drinking right now so I’m terrible with coming up with other people I didn’t know before.  I DIDN’T KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE, OKAY?  But now I know a ton of you and I read your blogs and goof around with you on twitter, and you guys are so completely effing awesome, it makes me smile just to think about it.
• That people would want me to write stuff for them.  I’ve guest posted for Shouty Men in Shiny Armour and Angelique at Sappho’s Torque and I’m an actual contributor for Insatiable Booksluts and I have more books specifically for review than I could have dreamed of a year ago.
• THAT WE WOULD HAVE ACTUAL FANS!  No, not just any fans.  Fans that would CREATE THEIR OWN DODISHARKICORNS AND BUY DODISHARKICORN STUFF!  (um, if you want your own Dodisharkicorn stuff, there are links in the sidebar and once enough people buy things that there is any money to do anything with, we want to host giveaways and junk)

So, that’s how I’m ending this post.  There’s some really cool Dodisharkicorn stuff out there, and it makes me smile just to think about it.  That’s the best part of this year.  You all rule.  Thank you.

Dodisharkicorn by Art

Dodisharkicorn EATING Art

Cut Paper Dodisharkicorn by Nikki

Dodisharkicorn Gets Political by Nicole

Em calls this the Puffinarwacorn, it’s the Lisa Frank version of Dodisharkicorn

Kate takes Dodi to work with her EVERY DAY!

Aw, Angelique takes Dodisharkicorn to the gym!

Okay, so – that’s really all I have.  Thanks to every single one of you that has read, commented, liked or shared over the last year.  I appreciate you all and I’m so glad to know you.

<3 <3 <3

Low-ku: Snobbery Search Edition

Over the last three weeks, I’ve created some pretty horrible awesome haiku from your search terms.  Since I’ve been through most of you that submitted at least once, this week I’m going to focus on some of the terms that led people here.

The most popular search term ever is Clan of the Cave Bear.  I guess that’s not entirely strange, since there were six posts on that series for Trashy Tuesday.  I want to be done talking about Ayla Sue, though.

Why would I compose
a verse about this cave pr0n?
Oops, looks like I did.

Second most popular are variations of George Weasley’s ear reappearing in Deathly Hallows 2.  I feel kind of bad for the people who search this because that post is archived now, so I think it just takes them to my home page.  Sorry, searchers!  I did rant about it here, if that makes things better for you!

Poor George lost his ear.
Movie magic gave it back.
The fangirls cry foul.

Also popular with the searchers is zombie sex.  The only time I posted about that, I said it was not something I wanted to read about.

Ew, ugh, zombie sex
pretty sure I said that’s gross
stop searching for that!

“I read somewhere that people are stupid.”

People are stupid
look no further, I said that.
You read it here first.

I’ve only posted about Ceti Eels once before, although at some point in the future I might have to write about how Wrath of Khan was one of my favourite movies when I was growing up, specifically because of the Ceti Eels (oh, and Ricardo Montalban) – they were terrifying but awesome at the same time.  I have not, however, written fanfiction about them, which makes the several hits from Ceti Eel In Her Ear Fanfic searches slightly odd.

I don’t write fanfic
Sorry if I disappoint.
Ceti eels scare me.

Finally, we get visits from people looking for Unicorn Sharks.  We’ve posted unicorns ON sharks a few times (because it’s hilarious), but I don’t think we’ve ever actually done a unicorn shark.  Isn’t that basically a narwhal?  Like, really?  If it isn’t, then we need one immediately.

A unicorn shark
sounds unbearably awesome
Meg! Get on that, please?

Remember, if you have any strange search terms that led people to your blog – and you’d like to see them immortalized as haiku – leave them in the comments!

Things We Like To Make Fun Of, Vol. I

1.  People who rate books on goodreads the day said book is announced.  We’re looking at you, everyone that rated JK Rowling’s new book THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A NAME YET!

 

 

2.  Horribly written YA novels.  The bad is outweighing the good lately.  On the one hand, it gives us more things to talk smack about, but on the other…this is what kids (and adults!) are reading these days?

 

 

3.  The Deathly Hallows epilogue.  No, not just the movie version.  Even my dad (who has never read the books and probably never will) makes fun of the epilogue.  ”Really?  That’s what they named their kids?”  C’mon, we deserved better than that – not answers you gave us in interviews after the fact, but something that we can clutch to our collective bosoms and consider canon.  Also, we still aren’t convinced that Severus Snape is a good guy, and we call shenanigans on his actions being motivated by love for Lily.  Meg and I now use Snape as an expletive.  As in, “MEGHAN!  That is Snaping awesome!” and “WTS, SJAZZLES?!”

 

 

4.  Rose Tyler.  To quote my 6 year old – “No.  We don’t like Rose.”  Is it her eyebrows?  Her omnipresent (ill-fitting) track suit?  Her terrible lipliner and eye makeup?  It’s entirely possible that it’s the way she just hangs around with her mouth open all the time.  Who knows for sure?  What is clear, though, is that we make fun of her every chance we get.

 

 

5.  Rabid Superfans.  The people who won’t respect your opinion to dislike something they love.  You know, the ones that will give you a point by point dissertation on why you’re wrong for not liking their favourite movie/tv show/book/band.  ”Well, you’ve obviously never heard/seen/read this book/scene/episode/album.  Here’s why it’s the best thing ever and your opinion sucks and you’re the WORST PERSON ON THE INTERNET FOR NOT LIKING IT!!!”

 

 

Harry Potter Haiku

I’ve been composing joke haiku today during correspondence with a friend.  She’s pretending she’s actually writing, and I’m…well, this is what I do when I’m avoiding doing things. She’s super demanding and requested a haiku ode to Snape.

This was the first:

Severus is not
my favourite but I will
write this for my friend.

She hated it. I might have made her cry. So I tried to take it a bit more seriously:

a hooked nose, black hair
harsh words belie broken heart
Lily made wrong choice.

I sent it off and received no response, which of course meant that it was the worst haiku in the history of haiku.

Back to the drawing board:

His cloak, it swishes
empty eyes hide painful past
the boy has her eyes.

Of course, she loved that one. Since I was still in a snarky mood, I decided to come up with another making Snape the object of my scorn:

Potions Master Snape
Is loved by far too many
He was just a jerk

This was her response – “Now one about Fluffy. And Norbert. Maybe some dog-on-dragon fan fic.”  SEE? SO DEMANDING!

I almost always cave, though:

Fluffy and Norbert
The cerberus lay with the
Norwegian Ridgeback

Oh, what a scandal!
Who knew they would breed truly?
Dragons with three heads!

Hagrid loves the pups
but is now on the run from
D.R.C.M.C.

Pretty awesome, right?
No, don’t answer that. Please, don’t.
Ego is fragile.

Harry Potter Rant (the first)

So, maybe I don’t hate everything – just most things.  I do love me some Harry Potter.  Well, I love most of Harry Potter. There were many things that bugged me, but as a whole I thought it was a very solid series.

I used to belong to this awesome HP fansite for adults that has recently self-destructed. I posted many, many rants there about the things that I hated. [sad face, tips 40 for Diagon Alley] This means I get to recreate my rants here and find all new things to complain about!

Look, this post is going to contain spoilers for the series. If you haven’t read them (or at the very least – watched the movies) do yourself a favour and skive off right now.

I had many crazy theories about how the series was going to end, but my favourite was the thought that Ms Rowling had planned the deaths that would happen throughout the series far in advance. Maybe it’s morbid, but I knew who I wanted to die and I was positive that I’d figured it all out. You see, (supposedly) in creating the Philosopher’s Stone, the alchemical process goes through stages of black, white and red.

(I only say supposedly because [to my knowledge] no one has successfully created the Philosopher’s Stone yet, so really everything is hypothetical. I know – this is a series about a school for wizards and I’m concerned about that? I might have problems, but those really aren’t your concern.)

My brilliant idea was that this meant we knew who was going to die as early as the first book – even if we didn’t know all of the characters yet – but I’m pretty sure I didn’t start demanding people pay attention to me until sometime between Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince.

In order for Harry to be successful in his battle against Voldemort, he’d have to go into it alone – with none of the parental figures he’d come to rely on to aid him. So…OotP – Sirius Black dies. HBP – Albus Dumbledore dies (if you didn’t already know that Albus=white, I kind of hate you – please stop reading my blog). Once Dumbles was out of the picture, I knew I was onto something and that Rubeus Hagrid was going to eat it sometime in the last volume…if not Hagrid, then at the very least Arthur had to go.  The whole Weasley family was just full of red and (being the dad) he was the obvious choice.

Yeah. Let that sink in for a minute.

How wrong was I?!  So super ridiculously wrong.  [insert another sad face here]

I’m still sad that Hagger lived. I’ve tried and tried to console myself with the fact that Fred died (see what I did there?) and he could technically sit in for the red aspect…but as awesome as “Rapier” is, he was never a father-figure to Mr Potter.

I’m also still bummed about the fact that Harry lived, and don’t even get me started on the stupid epilogue, but those are rants for another day.