Four Things I’ve Learned This Week

  • How to add songs from Spotify directly to my posts.  I think you have to already have a Spotify account to listen, but still.  This can be cool for things that I can’t find on YouTube.  What this means, though, is that if you want to get the full impact of our posts, you’ll have to sign up there.  Sorry, but really – free music?  Why haven’t you already signed up already?  (unless you live in one of the Narnia countries that doesn’t have it yet, in which case I’m sorry for mocking you)  This is what I’m listening to as I type this, isn’t that cool?
  • That I was too stupid to get the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, even though I’ve seen it at least 50 times. To be fair, every single person I’ve mentioned this to was too stupid to figure it out, as well.  So…[shrug]  Maybe this article is putting too much thought into it?  Dunno.
  • How to open a bottle of wine with a shoe if there is not a handy corkscrew.  Who knew?
  • That there are many, many people willing to put their metaphorical dukes up for Meg and I.  Extra special thanks go out to Mandy, Amy, Nicole and Susie for being willing to tear a bitch’s face off at a moment’s notice.  <3

Really, I can't draw.

Happy Thursday, folks!  For those of you working for the weekend (yes, I went there), it’s almost here!

Was I Not Supposed To Do That?

We had asparagus for dinner last night.  Yes, just asparagus.  Well, that was what my husband and I had after the kids were in bed.  Are you kidding?  Asparagus is too expensive and delicious to share with the kids.

It was delicious.

So, as he’s cooking it, he tells me that he had a bit of a run-in with the manager of the store after he’d left the produce section.  I was desperately trying to think what he could have possibly done that would cause an issue.  “Well,” says my beloved, “I was picking out the asparagus, and they don’t keep it in water, so the ends are all woody and gross.  I’m not going to pay for that, so I broke the ends off and left them there, then put the parts I was going to buy into the bag and walked away.  I noticed the produce guy glaring at me, but didn’t think anything of it until I was flagged down by the manager when I was in the wine aisle.”

“Did he come stalking up, brandishing the ends?” I asked, because that was how I was imagining it in my head.

“No!  Well, kind of.  He had them in his hand and asked if I was the one who’d been breaking the ends off.”

“What did you say?!”  At this point, I was leaning on the refrigerator and giggling like a madwoman, because I could picture the entire scenario in my head.

“I told him that yes, it was me.  Then I asked him, ‘Was I not supposed to do that?   Is that not okay?’”

Which reminded me of this:

This is the part where the refrigerator decides it can no longer handle my leaning against it, and moved closer to the wall…so I hit the floor.  We were both laughing so hard, it took a while for the conversation to continue.

I asked if they’d made him purchase the ends he’d broken off and he said no.  “If I’d just thrown them away instead of leaving them there, it wouldn’t have been a problem.  He said that!  Then he told me that I can have the produce guy cut the bad ends off for me from now on, but I’m pretty sure the guy hates me now and won’t do it out of spite.”

For reference, this is how much he was taking off:

What do you think?  Was he right for leaving the ends since it wasn’t stored properly anyway?  If you’re paying by the pound is it okay to leave unwanted bits of produce in the store, just like picking and choosing which bananas make a bunch?  I’m still laughing too hard about it to be objective.

This Made My Saturday Night

The set up:

When I did my first Trashy Tuesday, I lamented that I was unable to find a picture on google image search of zombies lashed to the hull of a pirate ship.  The lovely and talented Ms Meghan took it upon herself to create it for me.

Yes. That's me. As a pirate. Sippin' wine and telling all the magical water creatures to get the eff outta my way, because I have a vicious attack zombie lashed to the hull of my ship.

This might have to be turned into a Trashy Tuesday icon/banner.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what’s up with the phoenix, it’s from one of her funniest posts ever.  Check it out.

This is why I don’t write

Seriously, this is why I don’t write.

me: HA! So, a friend of mine just sent me this: http://750words.com She was like “I know you read, I assume you write…” I wish I could write, like…really. I’m good at mocking things, and I wish I could actually write anything other than snark…but I know that I can’t.

Meg: Oh, me too. I really, really do. The other day I was thinking “Gosh, I want to be another JK Rowling.” But really, the only thing I can do when I’m writing is be an ass.

me: RIGHT?! Oh, wait…I can’t write. I can talk plenty of smack about how they should have done something, but I really can’t do it myself.

Meg: Yes. Yes, exactly. Every time I try, it just sounds like something out of a bad writing contest.

me: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

Meg: Which, by the way, I saw a flyer with quotes from a bad writing contest the other day.

me: dude, I had myself all psyched up. “I’m gonna do NaNo this year!” then the day of…

Meg: Let me share some of the gems…ME TOO

me: “um…no, wtf was I thinking?”

Meg: Yes. I have all these ideas and then I maybe get a page in and I’m like, “Well shit, what do I do now?”

me: hahahahaha!

Meg: And then I spend a few hour googling elf names.

me: No, dude, get this. HAHAHAHAHAHA I woke up on November first and I said “huh. I slept on my back and have a sore throat. Oh…sniffles? Allergies. OR I’m getting sick, and I really can’t write if I’m sick. Yeah, I’m sick” and that was why I didn’t start.

Meg: I kept telling myself I would sign up the entire week before, and then I forgot for a few days, and by then it was a few days into November. Obvs I couldn’t do it then. But really, I really wish I could write. I swear, I’m a creative genius.

me: DUDE, ME TOO! I didn’t even know for sure that you had to sign up for anything until the second
then I was like “well, FFS, there’s NO WAY now!”

Meg: I’m always reading things and thinking, “God, dumbass, why didn’t you do this.” Again, only good at snarking. YES! Signing up?! F that.

me: omg, I almost shot wine out of my nose. I hate you.

Meg: <3

me: <3

Meg is awesome, even if you can't really make any good anagrams out of her name if one of the words is NAM. If you're lucky, she'll post some of the gems from the Bad Writing Contest in the comments.