“Just, like, a crazy zombie-hating moose impaling hundreds of zombies.”

I am not a John Green fan. I have so many friends that are (15 that have given TFioS at least 4 stars), but…I don’t like sappy sentimental crap, and I don’t want to read books by someone who’s constantly making girls cry. Blech.

So, anyway, last night I got this email from goodreads that said “Since you LOVED The Fault in our Stars, why not try…”

1. I have the pimpage emails turned off, so this was enough to send me into a frothy rage.
2. I have not READ that book, nor have I put it on my To Read shelf and now that goodreads thinks it knows me so well, I won’t EVER be reading it.
3. I get childish like that when shit annoys me. This annoyed me.

So, after ranting to myself that I’ve never even READ a John Green book for half an hour, I remembered that I HAD read Zombicorns last year.

I guess I jumped the gun a little. But I didn’t love it. It was okay, but it mostly just pissed me off because there weren’t any zombie unicorns like the cover led me to believe.

First Zombies vs Unicorns tricked me by not having any ZOMBIES VS UNICORNS, then Zombicorns tricked me by not having any zombie unicorns.  I’m still bitter.

BUT at least I remembered that going into The War for Banks Island, which is the sequel to Zombicorns.

No zombie unicorns?  Check.

So, even though I know some people think I’m weird (yes, I totally snoop on conversations when someone links to my blog in a public forum, wouldn’t you?) for harping on this, I don’t think it would be too difficult for someone to cave and just GIVE ME THE ZOMBIE UNICORN BATTLES THAT I WANT.

[ahem]

What was I talking about?

Right, this book.

Well, it was just as not-so-special as its predecessor.  I mean, it wasn’t terrible – I actually kind of liked some parts of it, but I’m not going to complain too heavily since it was free.

The War for Banks Island takes place ~25 years after the events of Zombicorns.  Humanity has been fighting the corn obsessed zombies for a quarter of a century, and has made some decent progress.  There’s a commune of sorts on Banks Island (it’s way up in the NorthWest Territories, where it rarely makes it above freezing, even in the summer), with nary a zombie attack for a number of years.

Of course there’s an attack on voting day.  Of course there’s a call to arms for all young people to try to reclaim the land that belongs to them.  And of course the government is full of duplicitous asshats that don’t actually care about their constituents as long as PROGRESS IS MADE.

So, yeah – it was all rather predictable.  I’m glad it was free, and I’m glad it was short.

[shrug]

Also, I totally made a Zombie Unicorn magnet – I’m buying one for myself as soon as I finish writing this.  If you want one for yourself, you can find them here.

Let’s pop some Bauhaus on the turntable and cut ourselves, yeah?

I have been…well, I wouldn’t say A FAN, but I’ve thought David Moody’s Autumn series was pretty good for zombie fiction since I read the first book a few years ago.  My main problem with Autumn was that I got the earlier, self-published version that was full of typos, weird sentences and wonky structure.  The series was eventually picked up, and given far better treatment, and that was one of the reasons I continued.

The first book scared the pants off of me.  Even with its horrible grammar and strange word choices (as well as some interesting punctuation), the story itself was FUCKING SCARY.  I know lots of people didn’t care for how slowly it moved, but the pacing was just right (for me) at building the terror.

So I read the rest of the books, I enjoyed the second and the third, but didn’t care for the fourth because it didn’t have anything to do with the characters I enjoyed reading about from the first three books.  I finally got around to reading the final book (Aftermath) this week, and…I was not impressed.

It wasn’t TERRIBLE, but it wasn’t really GOOD, either.  See, the main reason I read zombie fiction is because they scare me.  I THINK because my dad let me watch The Serpent and the Rainbow with him when I was FAR TOO YOUNG to be seeing such things (sidenote:  I watched it again a few years ago to see if it was still terrifying and I laughed my way through it.  That movie?  No longer scary at all.)

This book didn’t scare me at all.  AT ALL.  No, instead of spending my nights staying up reading and worrying whether the rustling I was hearing outside my windows was something of the undead persuasion trying to get in and feast on my flesh/brains, I finished reading thinking “What the fuck is this, WHY ARE THE ZOMBIES SAD?!”

Because they are.  Aftermath takes place over a series of months after the infection that killed most of the population in a matter of minutes, then caused them to reanimate, determined to get rid of the living because they were SO EFFING NOISY.  Here, the zombies are obviously tired of their non-living status, and they’re just moping around essentially asking people to put them out of their misery.

I think it was supposed to be sad, but it just made me imagine a bunch of zombies sitting around in a basement, listening to 4ad and crying softly about how NONE OF THE LIVING UNDERSTAND THEM.

It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t sad – it was just ridiculous.  Much like that sad zombie clown over there that I just whipped up for you guys.  SEE HOW NOT SCARY THAT IS?!  That’s what this book was like.  I couldn’t stop thinking about how fucked up the whole situation was, that I was supposed to be FEELING BAD for the zombies and it ruined the whole series for me.

I’m not going to tell you guys what to do (even though I realize I’m usually the bossiest of bossypants), but if you’re thinking about reading this one – don’t.

Sad zombies are teh lame.  Seriously.

Oh, FFS – I TOLD YOU Not To Go In There!

Me:  Oh, god, Amy. I can already tell that you’ll have to read the book I just started. I can TELL.

Me:  On second thought…wait, you like books that make you cry, right?

Amy:  I LOVE books that make me cry. That’s in the book? That gave me chills!

Me:  YES!  The whole thing is handwritten notes and transcribed texts from the zombie outbreak.  It’s terrifying, thank goodness it’s daylight.

Me:  (an hour later)  I just finished. Holy shit. My heart is racing.

Dead Inside: Do Not Enter: Notes from the Zombie Apocalypse is NOT a zombie novel, so don’t try to read it like one.

This is all very confusing (even for me), so let me go back a bit -

There’s this social network, lostzombies.com, which posits that the zombie apocalypse is/has happen/ing/ed and they’re creating a documentary about this currently happening zombpocalypse, based on submissions from the community.  People make videos, they write letters, they stage photos, all set up to make the participants (and eventually, the moviewatchers) feel as if they’re currently in the middle of this thing RIGHT EFFING NOW.

While I don’t know that I’d be down for a full on immersion like some of these people, I was able to get into it for the hour it took to read this book.

It’s set up at the beginning with a vague timeline of events.  First there’s the flu, which is the first super-flu, and it mutates into the Campion Flu (heh, fans of The Stand will get a chuckle out of that, if nothing else), which is the zombie virus.  A handwritten note at the beginning explains that everything we find within the pages of this book was contained in the backpack of a little zombie girl that had to be put down.

It’s heartbreaking and breathtaking from its first pages.  It’s billed as being a cross between Post Secret (which ALWAYS makes me a little weepy) and World War Z (which has pretty much set the bar for zombie fiction), but it’s more of the former than the latter, I think.  At the end of WWZ, I had a feeling of hope for humanity.

Dead Inside:  Do Not Enter is rather hopeless and bleak.

Which was why it was perfect for a quick afternoon read.  If you read it too slow, it won’t have the same effect – but if you don’t pause to take note of the horrifying aspects of the things you’re reading or allow yourself to BELIEVE that this is currently happening…it just won’t be worth your time.

Not recommended for people that aren’t already fans of zombie literature, but HIGHLY recommended for those that are.

“So you killed him with what, now?”

Sometimes I read a book that makes me think “Hey, really?  Maybe if people like this, they’ll like the stories I have in MY head.”

Because Jesse Petersen’s Married With Zombies feels kind of like it could have come from my own brain, so I’m a little pissed I didn’t write it first.  No, it’s not perfect, and it really could have used a bit more editing but it’s FUN, DAMNIT.

Sarah and Dave are on the verge of divorce and one day they walk in on their marriage counsellor eating the faces of the previous couple/patients.

Where were you when the zombpocalypse struck?  I think if your answer is “Well, I was trying to fix my marriage, and had to shove a stiletto through the eye of a paid professional just to save myself and my wife…” your marriage just might make it.

What I loved about the couple we follow through the first few days of a viral outbreak in and around Seattle was how much they reminded me of my husband and myself.

No, we’re not on the verge of divorce, but if you don’t know us and you heard the way we talk to each other, there’s a very good chance you might think fisticuffs were about to break out.

Because we’re snarky and snippy and we don’t take a whole lot seriously.  Because Sarah and Dave are the same way, I found them entirely relatable [goddamnit, spellcheck, that IS TOO A WORD!]…dare I say they even seem like a couple husband and I would hang out with?  Yes, yes I dare.

I was a little worried going into this that it was going to be a [gag] romance, but it WAS NOT!  It was a truly funny and engaging story of a couple that just doesn’t know if they want to be together anymore, both trying to survive in a situation they were only partially prepared for.

Am I going to tell all of you to rush out and buy this book?  No.  Because I think it’s definitely not for everyone.  Here’s a checklist to see if you might enjoy it.

Do you:

• Go out of your way to read/watch books/movies about the zombie apocalypse?
• Are your children and family members well-versed in methods of zombie disposal SHOULD the zombpocalypse occur within our lifetimes?
• Swear a lot?
• Think maybe I’m pretty funny and would read a book by an author whose tone is incredibly similar to mine?
• Enjoy pop-culture references  in your reading material?
• Still find zombies kind of scary (there are a few thrilling moments in this book that had me genuinely spooked)?

If you can answer yes to three or more of those questions, then maybe you’d enjoy Married With Zombies.  If not, you should probably skip it because I’m telling you this is NOT THE BOOK FOR YOU.

3/5, will definitely read more of the author’s work, there are currently three more books in this series, and I’m probably going to start the second as soon as I finish writing this.

Since Zombruary is going on all month, let’s start the conversation off with you guys telling me your zombie survival plans.

“The great grey beast February had eaten Harvey Swick Alive”

I feel kind of guilty using that quote (one of my favourite opening lines ever, btw) today, when this post isn’t even ABOUT The Thief of Always, but it totally fits, so…sorry Clive Barker.  I do plan on re-reading it this year, just not this month.  Because I have OTHER PLANS for this month.

That’s right, I’ve decided to catch up on the numerous zombie books I’ve been holding onto for no real good reason, so February is now ZOMBRUARY.

At last count, I had 20 unread zombie novels (I’m not counting the comics yet, cos there are more of those than I care to admit), and if I can keep up the pace I had in January, I should be able to get through all of them, along with my re-reads of The Shining, Night Shift and The Stand with Heather and my re-reads of Fforde with the Heathers (that makes ME Veronica! HAHA!).

So, anyway, I plan on MOSTLY reading zombie lit this month.  I guess I’ll find out if it’s possible for me to get tired of zombies, since I always said it would never happen.

I realize I’m way behind on reviewing things I’ve actually read (and/or even just updating my YoRWtFIW page), but I’ll get around to it at some point.

Or not.  At this point I really don’t know.  I guess we’ll find out together, won’t we?

What are your reading plans for this month?